Rules and Realities

There is no such thing a s friends with benefits- Once you have sex with someone its all benefits, friendship is completely dead.  DON’T kid yourself by thinking you’re friends.  If he does extra things besides blow your back out it’s because he likes you, or he may even be a good person who gives a shit.  But friendship is non existent.

You may not have to be a self starter but it imperative to be self finisher- If you are having random casual sex you learn that it is an Olympic race to the finish and by finish I mean cum…  The person who cums first wins. At the end of the day my orgasm is my concern his is his.

The guy you’re fucking wants to thinks he’s the only guy you’re fucking- I think that is self explanatory.

Disappointed??? Ithappens- As in all areas of life your reality may not match your expectations. Just because he is sexy from across the room does not mean he will live up to your fantasy.  Sometimes even after his best efforts and fancy tricks you will be less than satisfied.

If you let him he will treat you like a heaux- Pussy is POWER.  How you  allow someone to treat you after you have sex with them is the basis of your relationship.  I don’t subscribe to the heaux mentality but I know guys who think that because I felt like having sex with them once I am now their booty call girl.  The easiest way to change this is to not be available. If he calls don’t answer and if he texts don’t respond.  Sex happens on my terms when I feel like it. Unless I am receiving an actual paycheck from a person I not on call for anyone.  Most of all feel no shame, if you are shamed of doing something you shouldn’t do it.

Size matters, but not really- Ok so size matters to a point but I have had better sex with a smaller dicked man than ones with very memorable sized cock.  I am not suggesting that I wasn’t satisfied with both but chemistry and skill is much more valuable than size.

Be a freak but know your boundaries- I like different things with different guys. however one may know me as a straight freak and another may know me as just a good fuck.  That is because everyone can’t handle everything.  I do what I feel comfortable with who I feel comfortable doing.

I’m not one for fetish shit-  So I push my boundaries but I don’t like too much of any given thing.  Fetish guys are fun but when he asks you if he can jack off while you model shoes in an Elsa costume it gets a little weird.

If you deal with ain’t shit guy you will get ain’t shit results-  Choose who you fuck wisely. I know there are some people who believe in this double standard that I choose to completely ignore in every way so I date and fuck guys who are open minded enough to do the same. Being a woman who has had A LOT of casual sex has not hindered my ability to find people who want to be in a serious committed relationships with me.

Morals and values are important- I joke about having loose morals when it comes to sex, but I and very comfortable with  who I am.  I have boundaries I will never cross and values that I don’t compromise under any circumstance.  Who you choose to have sex with and the reason behind it are you business, and it does not define who you are. Only you can choose to be the type of person you want to be.

Opinions are like orgasms…. What I’ve learned from having Loose Morals.

For the most part this has been my motto since I was smart enough to not give a shit about people’s opinions, especially when their opinion pertains to my vagina and what I choose to do with it.  I always simultaneously cringe and evil laugh when people insist that every sexual experience you have is a spiritual and emotional mixing of souls.  Because my morals are loose and my pussy is always tight there have been some hard learned lessons along the way; the biggest lesson has been about other people’s opinions.

Who I have sex with is my business and it’s best to keep it that way.  Unfortunately not everyone will give less fucks than I do, and the thing is, although I don’t have many to give about other peoples opinions. However eventually they will be encountered so I had to learn how to deal with them and not be ashamed or feel belittled.

There is a certain level of freedom that comes with being self realized.  I have learned to not hold on to people too tightly, people who genuinely like will do so regardless.  True friends will tell YOU when you’re wrong or sloppy, they will not tell everyone else you’re wrong or sloppy.  Being able to have friends around is very good and keeps you grounded as well as balanced.  You have to be able to be a popular acquaintance and a rare friend, many people will know of you and few will actually know you.

Sex is, to some people, a very intimate experience which is true some of the time.  I think that is important to be comfortable with the people you sleep with and comfortable with your decision after.  My best friend is not a person who can have detached sex for pleasure and she doesn’t, but that doesn’t make every experience for her a spiritual one. I do not think that she is any less liberated than me I just think that she mentally responds to things differently.  There are guys who have these same feelings and I know for a fact women have more sex than guys. Which is part of the reasons guys are so judgmental about body count… Oh yea if someone asks for a body count RUN.  It’s very immature to even care about that at this point, we should be more worried about protection and testing frequency.

The double standard is real but people will only treat you how you allow them to.  I have run into some sticky situations in group settings but I have never once felt that I am less than anyone or that I had done something wrong.  Carrying shame for things you have done that don’t negatively affect people is wrong.  Letting people treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable is wrong; demanding that people respect you is not.  I have ran into guys I slept with while out with a new guy and I speak and keep moving because I am not easy nor am I doing anything wrong.  I am proud to say that I am cordial to majority of the people I’ve dealt with and they respect each other. Being around more than one guy you’ve been with in the same place at the same time is taboo,  I don’t really know why but being shameful brings shame.

Test the merchandise.  The worst thing you can have is buyers remorse.  If you’re not into it leave.  I do it for fun even, just get up and leave.  Before clothes come off if you’re not into it don’t go through with it. If you straddle him and don’e feel anything through his clothes, TRUST ME get up and leave; unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Do your thing, respect yourself, and demand other people respect you.

Thoughts of the son we could have had.

I’m just kinda taking whatever life gives me and hoping that I make the right decision. – Amy Smart

Sometimes I think about our baby.   How he would look, act, talk. Would he be a spitting image of his Dad.  I would want him to be, his Dad is an amazing man.   He would be beautiful and smart. Would he be quietly thoughtful like his Dad or outspoken with quick wit like his mom. I think  about this sometimes when I think about his father. A very handsome, thoughtful man doing well for himself, any woman’s dream Baby Daddy, but I didn’t want a Baby Daddy. I didn’t want to impose my presence on anyone’s life, as well as, put myself in a vulnerable position. I was not ready for the best or worst outcome. But I think about him.

I think about him in the way that you would think about a dream, like a distant reality that you’re not sure you want to be real.  I think about him and what he would have done to us.  Would he have made us stronger and closer or would he have made you resent me? Would he be the reminder of a bad decision or an outcome to be celebrated? He would have been loved and we would have adjusted eventually.

I feel that children should come to two people who want a child not into chaos which is where we were at the time. That is my personal preference, no disrespect to single Mothers but I would not choose to be one.  I cherish life partnerships over offsprings. It’s nice to have a legacy but I want to share that legacy with someone I would rather be childless, than a single mother; but who knows that could always change.

Now that I am ready to start to settle down I think about these things.  I feel that for that time in our lives I made the right decision not only for me but for us. This post is in no way a reflection of me being haunted by a decision; under those circumstances I would make the same decision if it were today.    So when I am ready and under circumstances that I deem acceptable, I will have a child. That child will have a life filled with Love and support but I will still think about him, and what kind big brother he would have been.

And If I ever fall In LOVE again

I will be sure to be myself.

I have been in Love twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager and it was the purest form of Love a person can be apart of. It was authentic and true we had our whole lives ahead of us and we grew together in ways that movies only display. I was myself with no hesitation. The second time I was in Love was after in college. I don’t feel like I was myself during this time. I was becoming the person I would ultimately be. I was experimenting with different versions of myself. Looking back now I know that knowing who you are is a key component to being a healthy part of the relationship. I was toxic, to him and myself I did not know how to just be content. I was restless and selfish, as much as I loved him I had not fallen in Love with me.

Being in Love with someone can be an intoxicating experience, so much so that you yearn for the source of your pleasure. You learn to be what that person needs you to be and it is very possible to lose yourself in that feeling. But there is no better feeling than knowing someone is in Love with who you genuinely are, not who they would like you to be. To know that they are in Love with all the flaws and quirks, the scars and curves, and if you never changed they would Love you anyway, but in the same breath encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

Now that I have grown into myself and I understand what works for me and what doesn’t. I know how I interpret and display Love as well being ready to put in the work. If I ever fall in Love again I will be sure to be unapologetically me.

Who the fuck wants to 35 and ALONE???

Hello SKYLA… Now my 5 year plan goes into effect.

A few weeks ago I got an IUD inserted.  For those of you who don’t know, it is a long term form  of birth control that is insert into your uterus, some release a small amount of hormones others don’t.  I decided to try out SKYLA, it releases a small amount of hormones and protects me, and him,  against pregnancy for 3 years.  No daily routines, no worries.  The insertion was very uncomfortable and if you’ve never had  a baby you don’t know what to expect so just be prepared that it will hurt and will be uncomfortable for the first few days, but it’s nothing more than your worst period.

So I went off on tangent a little now back to my 5 year plan.

I want to date get married and start having babies in 5 years.  So I got the IUD that lasts 3 years which should cover the first two steps of my three fold plan.  I am at the point that I don’t want things to linger if they aren’t going anywhere; I would prefer to be alone than waste time.  This even means the relationships that have lasted for a prolonged periods of time.  I feel that it is time to be decisive in these choices.

We are in a time when non commitment is the new relationship and I’m not going to be a part of that.  I want to settle down and have a family and enjoy life. But most of all I want to do it with someone that I enjoy and I wholly Love. So in the next few years I want to do this.  So the answer to the question posed by Aubrey’s mom I don’t want to be 35, single and alone.

Out With Old in with the NEW.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, at least not on New Years.  Many people have asked what my resolution is I didn’t really have one because I usually evaluate my life on my birthday. I don’t believe in the New Year New Me BS, but I know that  new year does spark something within all of us but flipping the calendar does not solidify change; it is a gradual process that takes consistency.  I always make a goal for myself on my birthday because birthdays literally mark a new year of life so it’s more significant for me.

Ironically my birthday ia almost right in the middle of the year.  This year my birthday resolution was to be content being alone and making decisions with men that benefitted me in better ways.  I could be alone and be ok or be in a fulfilling relationship.   I began to cut ties and make space in my life for something serious and local. Although there have been some missteps, as I said before old habits die hard, I am proud of my progress so far.

For the past few years I have hung with a select group of people.  I am moving on these people were cool to show me how to turn up Atlanta style and move around different groups of people.  But I don’t feel that they were long term. I didn’t feel like they made me want or a need to be better; they just made me want different things. With the ending of an era comes the beginning of a new one.  I feel like the last two years in Atlanta have been a transitioning phase for me. I have become more of who I want to to be in the last 6 months.

The bad habits of the past are hard to break but I am always in process, like the rest of humanity.  I am learning from my mistakes and correcting them instead of justifying them. I am being self reliant and resourceful.  I am learning to be mine before I am anyone elses.  Looking out for myself and learning how to be alone and still, instead of having a constant companion and always on the go.  By the March of 2015 I will be completely rid of the people who don’t serve a positive purpose.  So by June which is my birthday month I will be on track for my birthday

New Phase better me.

Top Things People Can Miss me with in 2015

A wise and very clever person once said “Miss me with that Bullshit“  Those are my sentiments for many situations in 2014 that I experienced. so these are the thing people can Miss me with in 2015.

Miss me with the Fake Friends– I have never people a person with a large circle.  As a matter of fact my friend situation remains standing for long periods of time.  Small talk and a petty drama are not my things so I try to keep my acquaintance to a minimum.  The thing is when you move to a new city making true friends is a challenge.  I have these people that I recognize but don’t really know, or remember their names for that matter, or people who feel that know me but aren’t not what I would consider a friend.  2016 will be about building lasting friendships.

Miss me if I’m your 2nd choice– I am not, nor will I ever be, a person that will unnecessarily be the 2nd choice in any situation.  If you have other options that suit you pursue them.

Miss me if you have girlfriend–  I am not, nor do I condone, sidechick behavior.  I will never like a person so much that I will be their side chick.

Miss me with the fake wealth-  Don’t lie on your wallet or bank account if you don’t have it and can’t afford don’t fake it.  It’s cool to stunt now and then but will buy bottles 3 days a week and then looking for a handout the other 4 days is just stupid.

Miss me if you don’t give a fuck about anything–  I have found that I have a limited amount of fucks to give on any given day but at my age it is time to start giving a few fucks about shit.  When you don’t care you don’t react or plan.  I need people around me who are planning and thinking about their future.  I am tired of these “IGAF” ass people.  Like it’s so much to care about when you don’t it shows how immature you are.  When you choose not to care you choose to not be a part of the solution.

Miss me if you’re wasting time-  I am done wasting time.  It’s time to get to the point.  I want to be on the road to settle down with person I enjoy and Love. Miss me with the let’s hang out and see where it goes.  Miss me with the I’m not looking anything serious sentiments.  I am not here for any of it.

Miss me with the New Year New Me- The New Year may inspire you for a few months at best.  Let’s talk in the spring about your progress.

Time is a relationship currency: Putting time into a relationship is like putting money in the bank.

Time matters.

I am a person who requires time not much to that. I don’t want to be financially supported I just want time. Someone once told me that it is better to be with a person who is busy, rather than someone who is broke. Well a broke busy person is no Bueno,  but busy for no reason is no good either. You have to make time for a person you’re in a relationship and if your definition of time spent is different than mine then it’s not going to work. But even when a person has money in the bank and extra to spend, when building a relationship time is a precious commodity.

Time supposedly equals money, so let’s talk about that for a min. If I spend all of my time doing things that don’t involve my significant other, what value do you suppose they hold to me? In relationships time is a valuable currency and when you don’t spend time building your relationship or continuing to invest in it, it will eventually lose its value. For me the value of my relationship directly relates to how much time we choose to invest in it. If I am investing more time into than the other person and I am not seeing a return on my investment, be it equal time committed or progress in our relationship,  I will simply choose to divest my interest.

Time as a relationship currency can make it clear how much value you hold in someone else’s life at given time, especially in the building stages of a relationship. Unlike established relationships new relationship don’t appreciate in value based on the amount of time people have been in a relationship, only in an established relationship does the value of a person’s presence in your life appreciate.

So now that I have explained my train of thought I can vent…

I have been dating a person for a little over a year but lately they spend their time doing things that they feel are more important basically leaving me begging for time, and  ‘what I’m not gon do is…’ beg, especially when I didn’t ask him for anything but time. I didn’t expect anything from him but time and that time didn’t have to include extravagant dates of any kind. I begin to notice that whenever someone else needed him he was there and when there were times when I needed him and someone else needed him he always choose them over me. He felt that the amount of time he spent when he had nothing better to should make up for the times when he had to choose. I began to feel like he didn’t value our time together and thus he didn’t value out relationship. So I had to a make tough decision.

In relationships you have to choose what to settle for. In this situation I settled for his financial situation, his living situation, his age and his need to always make himself a victim, but I wasn’t going to settle for him feeling like he didn’t need to spend time with or on me. I mean he had no money, so time was the next best thing; word to all the guys out there you can’t be busy and broke. When a person has something to show for them being busy it makes it justifiable and it doesn’t have to be money. But when you are busy and you have nothing show for it but an excuse or some lame life happens story I lose my patience and cool. Why am I sitting around waiting on someone like a side chick? If I wanted that life I would be a side chick. So in the end I felt that because he wasn’t investing time in our relationship it was not valuable to him, thus I was not valuable to him and we broke up.

Well with that said time is important in a relationship and you can’t be in one if you don’t have any.

Hakuna Mata… YOLO: In other words just don’t give any fucks.

*Contains language that may be a offensive to some.*

So everyone says put it all out there.  But what do you do when there is way too much too put out there???  Where time has passed and passed and you have shut your emotions away so much so that you don’t even know how you feel. It seems that I am in this space right now… The space where disappointments have lead me to shut down and not want to even go into a space that could potentially lead to yet another disappointment.  But I’m a fighter so I have go after what I want and I suggest you guys do the same, don’t let potential  disappointment dictate your future moves.  Learn to be selfish and do what is right for you, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Think about your future and don’t get stuck on your past. That shit is in that a past and the last time I checked it tends to stay there. Wear your heart on your sleeve, dramas and all. When that shit fails and you fall on you motherfucking face into a pile of mixed up emotional vomit,  I suggest you pick your ass up, pull your self together put your heart back on your motherfucking sleeve, and keep going.  At the end of the day emotions are a part of life and if you cant deal with your emotions then you should probably unplug your computer, turn of your cell phone and come join us in the real fucking world, because shit is real out here. I know that’s easier said than done.  I know that it could potentially land some of us in jail for a night but, YOLO my readers, lol.

“Insert Moan Here”: Adolescent make out session because I can handle that amount of guilt.

It almost happened… I let my guard down and the best friend saw it.  I guess I’m not as clever as I thought.  I tried to stay away and effectively I did because we were in a groups setting.  No Sunday afternoon drinks, or movie with a “Friend”; we went out as group, partied to sunrise and made out well into the afternoon. I feel guilty, even though there was no sex taking place and no clothes came off I still feel skanky.  I have to say I am proud of that feeling because there was a time when guilty and skanky never crossed my mind, a time when I would have had sex with him and not thought twice about the havoc that it would cause because I would just move on, leaving chaos in my wake.  I am growing and of that I am proud.

Aside from the adolescent make out session we had as grown ass adults we talked a lot and even though I am still trying to cipher through what’s real and utter bullshit.  I can’t say that I am moved in one way or another.  I am always slow to fall in like with anyone and I can’t fall in like with a person who is this close to my boyfriend…

I think that anyone bold enough to step to his friends girl is shady and I am no better for giving in to the advances,  but I realized that I am fundamentally flawed a long time ago so dealing with another person with less fucks to give that me is scary.  This could be a test which I am slowing failing at but who the hell knows.  I think I am doing well considering my past history of not being faithful. I could be a conquest.  Sometimes we do things just to see if we can do them,  for him this could be it. To me that’s intriguing because I would like to prove to myself that I can change, I don’t have to be so impulsive all of the time.

The dilemma now is do I tell my boyfriend what happened.  I think that I should deny, deny deny.