And If I ever fall In LOVE again

I will be sure to be myself.

I have been in Love twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager and it was the purest form of Love a person can be apart of. It was authentic and true we had our whole lives ahead of us and we grew together in ways that movies only display. I was myself with no hesitation. The second time I was in Love was after in college. I don’t feel like I was myself during this time. I was becoming the person I would ultimately be. I was experimenting with different versions of myself. Looking back now I know that knowing who you are is a key component to being a healthy part of the relationship. I was toxic, to him and myself I did not know how to just be content. I was restless and selfish, as much as I loved him I had not fallen in Love with me.

Being in Love with someone can be an intoxicating experience, so much so that you yearn for the source of your pleasure. You learn to be what that person needs you to be and it is very possible to lose yourself in that feeling. But there is no better feeling than knowing someone is in Love with who you genuinely are, not who they would like you to be. To know that they are in Love with all the flaws and quirks, the scars and curves, and if you never changed they would Love you anyway, but in the same breath encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

Now that I have grown into myself and I understand what works for me and what doesn’t. I know how I interpret and display Love as well being ready to put in the work. If I ever fall in Love again I will be sure to be unapologetically me.

Out With Old in with the NEW.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, at least not on New Years.  Many people have asked what my resolution is I didn’t really have one because I usually evaluate my life on my birthday. I don’t believe in the New Year New Me BS, but I know that  new year does spark something within all of us but flipping the calendar does not solidify change; it is a gradual process that takes consistency.  I always make a goal for myself on my birthday because birthdays literally mark a new year of life so it’s more significant for me.

Ironically my birthday ia almost right in the middle of the year.  This year my birthday resolution was to be content being alone and making decisions with men that benefitted me in better ways.  I could be alone and be ok or be in a fulfilling relationship.   I began to cut ties and make space in my life for something serious and local. Although there have been some missteps, as I said before old habits die hard, I am proud of my progress so far.

For the past few years I have hung with a select group of people.  I am moving on these people were cool to show me how to turn up Atlanta style and move around different groups of people.  But I don’t feel that they were long term. I didn’t feel like they made me want or a need to be better; they just made me want different things. With the ending of an era comes the beginning of a new one.  I feel like the last two years in Atlanta have been a transitioning phase for me. I have become more of who I want to to be in the last 6 months.

The bad habits of the past are hard to break but I am always in process, like the rest of humanity.  I am learning from my mistakes and correcting them instead of justifying them. I am being self reliant and resourceful.  I am learning to be mine before I am anyone elses.  Looking out for myself and learning how to be alone and still, instead of having a constant companion and always on the go.  By the March of 2015 I will be completely rid of the people who don’t serve a positive purpose.  So by June which is my birthday month I will be on track for my birthday

New Phase better me.

Top Things People Can Miss me with in 2015

A wise and very clever person once said “Miss me with that Bullshit“  Those are my sentiments for many situations in 2014 that I experienced. so these are the thing people can Miss me with in 2015.

Miss me with the Fake Friends– I have never people a person with a large circle.  As a matter of fact my friend situation remains standing for long periods of time.  Small talk and a petty drama are not my things so I try to keep my acquaintance to a minimum.  The thing is when you move to a new city making true friends is a challenge.  I have these people that I recognize but don’t really know, or remember their names for that matter, or people who feel that know me but aren’t not what I would consider a friend.  2016 will be about building lasting friendships.

Miss me if I’m your 2nd choice– I am not, nor will I ever be, a person that will unnecessarily be the 2nd choice in any situation.  If you have other options that suit you pursue them.

Miss me if you have girlfriend–  I am not, nor do I condone, sidechick behavior.  I will never like a person so much that I will be their side chick.

Miss me with the fake wealth-  Don’t lie on your wallet or bank account if you don’t have it and can’t afford don’t fake it.  It’s cool to stunt now and then but will buy bottles 3 days a week and then looking for a handout the other 4 days is just stupid.

Miss me if you don’t give a fuck about anything–  I have found that I have a limited amount of fucks to give on any given day but at my age it is time to start giving a few fucks about shit.  When you don’t care you don’t react or plan.  I need people around me who are planning and thinking about their future.  I am tired of these “IGAF” ass people.  Like it’s so much to care about when you don’t it shows how immature you are.  When you choose not to care you choose to not be a part of the solution.

Miss me if you’re wasting time-  I am done wasting time.  It’s time to get to the point.  I want to be on the road to settle down with person I enjoy and Love. Miss me with the let’s hang out and see where it goes.  Miss me with the I’m not looking anything serious sentiments.  I am not here for any of it.

Miss me with the New Year New Me- The New Year may inspire you for a few months at best.  Let’s talk in the spring about your progress.

Time is a relationship currency: Putting time into a relationship is like putting money in the bank.

Time matters.

I am a person who requires time not much to that. I don’t want to be financially supported I just want time. Someone once told me that it is better to be with a person who is busy, rather than someone who is broke. Well a broke busy person is no Bueno,  but busy for no reason is no good either. You have to make time for a person you’re in a relationship and if your definition of time spent is different than mine then it’s not going to work. But even when a person has money in the bank and extra to spend, when building a relationship time is a precious commodity.

Time supposedly equals money, so let’s talk about that for a min. If I spend all of my time doing things that don’t involve my significant other, what value do you suppose they hold to me? In relationships time is a valuable currency and when you don’t spend time building your relationship or continuing to invest in it, it will eventually lose its value. For me the value of my relationship directly relates to how much time we choose to invest in it. If I am investing more time into than the other person and I am not seeing a return on my investment, be it equal time committed or progress in our relationship,  I will simply choose to divest my interest.

Time as a relationship currency can make it clear how much value you hold in someone else’s life at given time, especially in the building stages of a relationship. Unlike established relationships new relationship don’t appreciate in value based on the amount of time people have been in a relationship, only in an established relationship does the value of a person’s presence in your life appreciate.

So now that I have explained my train of thought I can vent…

I have been dating a person for a little over a year but lately they spend their time doing things that they feel are more important basically leaving me begging for time, and  ‘what I’m not gon do is…’ beg, especially when I didn’t ask him for anything but time. I didn’t expect anything from him but time and that time didn’t have to include extravagant dates of any kind. I begin to notice that whenever someone else needed him he was there and when there were times when I needed him and someone else needed him he always choose them over me. He felt that the amount of time he spent when he had nothing better to should make up for the times when he had to choose. I began to feel like he didn’t value our time together and thus he didn’t value out relationship. So I had to a make tough decision.

In relationships you have to choose what to settle for. In this situation I settled for his financial situation, his living situation, his age and his need to always make himself a victim, but I wasn’t going to settle for him feeling like he didn’t need to spend time with or on me. I mean he had no money, so time was the next best thing; word to all the guys out there you can’t be busy and broke. When a person has something to show for them being busy it makes it justifiable and it doesn’t have to be money. But when you are busy and you have nothing show for it but an excuse or some lame life happens story I lose my patience and cool. Why am I sitting around waiting on someone like a side chick? If I wanted that life I would be a side chick. So in the end I felt that because he wasn’t investing time in our relationship it was not valuable to him, thus I was not valuable to him and we broke up.

Well with that said time is important in a relationship and you can’t be in one if you don’t have any.

I’m Jealous??? Tales of a Love triangle and the mixed emotions it brings.

I have been involved in a lasting Love triangle, which recently I may have turned into a square (a lot less complicated than it sounds).  Why do I insist on making my life more complicated than  it should ever be?  I have created a tangled web of emotional and physical ties and I may be losing my cool after all.

So it all began when my guy, Dee and I were on the outs but we weren’t officially dating yet. With Dee’s permission I started to entertain Waju’s,  affections.  You see I didn’t necessarily click with Waju because I never gave him a fair chance, but we had a good time for what it was and when Dee came to his senses, I dropped him and went back to Dee….

Fast forward 6 months and while I don’t talk to Waju outside of our social circle or in a group setting when we are around each other the energy is there.  The attraction never went away and mix that with copious amounts of alcohol and you have a love triangle gone awry.  Waju tends to bring the flavor of the week around and I usually roll with it, because as I said they are the flavor of the week, but sometimes there is this tinge of jealousy.  Why can’t I have them all??? Dee lets me do me, which is great because it takes a special man to understand that need and I try very hard to be respectful.

So enter the RN from the East Coast.  She seemed nice I couldn’t dislike her, but she is looking for a husband and I can always tell the ones looking for a husband.  They shop at Macy’s and wear church dresses to the club, their heels are always 2 inches too low, and nail polish is always chipped.  I am not being judgy,  I really liked her, but they all dress the same, but usually have potential.   What I didn’t like was Waju’s hand on her knee, they way he leaned into her when she spoke to him, or his incessant need to remind me that it she wasn’t like the other girls; she was smart, educated and had her own money.  I had to admit she was a good pick, and competition.  But in order of her to be competition I would have to measure myself next to her.  We would have to have the same end goal and we don’t.  So I confused myself. It was jealousy.

When we got home Dee called me out on my jealousy and he said he thought it was cute.   He’s never seen me feel the way, that the woman who is never fazed or intimidated, was served what I usually dish out. Honestly I didn’t know that being jealous of another women over a guy was something I was capable of.

SELF ESTEEM: Why would you need inequality when you can hold yourself back?

Low self-esteem like most unpleasant things is a bitch.  You can’t Love someone into Loving themselves… I was recently in a relationship with a person who seemed like he had it together, but under the surfaced he was a wreck.  He never felt good enough for me. So much so that when his more successful friends showed interest in me he would tell me to weigh my options.  Now I am not in the business of stroking the egos of grown ass men but I really liked him and I would for the most part ignore the advances.

I often tried to make him feel good by making sure I wanted to do things in his budget or would simply just pay for things and not asking him for anything more than time and company.  What I learned as our relationship progressed is that no matter what I did that he was always insecure of where he was in life.  I mean I understood some things like not really having your own place at 40 years old but he had a great heart and treated me as well or better than any other man I dated.  But his insecurities caused a rift between us because he didn’t like to share because of them.  I am an open book so the fact that he couldn’t share things out of shame really hurt us.  I am not judgmental nor do I demand the finer things in life.  I grew up in the struggle and my life until recently was one.So the fact that he was ashamed of things really baffled me.

One day when we had both had very hard days at work, being beat down by the man. I realized that nothing I could do would make him feel better and there were several things that made me come to this conclusion.  The fact that he wasn’t willing to compete with seemingly more successful people for me and actually encouraged me to consider them was disheartening for me. If you don’t think you’re good enough why should I?  I also noticed that while I was complaining about the perils of corporate life he would kind of shut down and look dazed.  Other days he would not share anything about his day or the life.  He was the type of person who felt a strong since of entitlement to nice things but realized at some point he had not attained the level of success associated with these things.  He was not living the life felt he deserved and therefore I could not like/love him the way he was, where he was, as I tried so hard to do.

But you can’t Love someone into loving themselves.  Happiness starts with you and as long as you are unhappy nothing will feel right or satisfying.  I think that first and for most you have to be honest with yourself, then you can be honest with other people; honesty is the beginning to making yourself happy. Liking yourself simply comes from accepting yourself, flaws and all.  If you accept things for what they are you can learn to be comfortable with them.   You have to be willing to let someone meet you where you are even if that is not where you want to be. Be great by yourself, love yourself and allow others to do the same no matter what.

You have reached the text message box….

I wish could send out an auto response to anyone trying to date me, as if they reached my voicemail… I hate text message conversations. Text messaging should left for quick messages that supply some type of important information, or used when talking is not an option but it should never be a platform for a full blown conversation.  I was talking to my little sister who has a serious problem casually dating about her habits when it comes to texts.  I told her that she was reducing her role by using this a primary means of communication.  Here is why…

First off text messages are impersonal.  They do not give you the opportunity to hear the pauses between answers the uneasiness in a persons a voice removing the nuances that give you insight to the emotions attached to the words; texts remove most emotion from the conversation.  If you want to be impersonal use texts but if you want to get to know someone call them on the phone.   I mean anyone who has ever had an argument they didn’t want to have through text, or otherwise,  should understand this. 

Text can be taken out of context.  Sometimes text messages are confusing.  I don’t understand acronyms and at times it seems like people just make them up.  Also there is no tone in a test message so if you’re like me you have to figure out how literal, sarcastic or humorous the person is being.  I end up in a never ending game of cipher.

Texts provide the opportunity to multi-task. He or she could be texting you and be on a date with another person.  To me that means that the person clearly has no time for you and wants to group you into “things they can do while (insert activity here)” category.  Further reducing your role and their interest.  How can you hold someone’s attention when you never have their undivided attention. Or this can turn into constant communication.  I have a job and texts are the last thing on my mind during the day and when I get home or ever, so I don’t usually fall victim to this, but text messages can give you a false sense of who the person on the other end is.

Text messages leave a conversation trail, you can’t deny something you sent in text. I like spoken conversation because they conversation is from my lips to his or her ear.  It is not archived for any reflection out side of what is remembered; and when  a person remember without references it shows that they are interested and pay attention to what you have to say.

I don’t text people I plan to be serious with I talk to them on on the phone or usually in person.  My texts are reserved for quick concise communication. Not a in depth conversation.

I Love technology but text messaging is ruining the beginning of many potential relationships.

The Learning Curve: What I’ve learned or observed since moving to the “Black Mecca”

I’ve been in Atlanta for a little over a year and needless to say I learned a few things about a few things.  So I will jump right into it, Here are the top 10 things I’ve learned  or observed from my new city; in no particular order

1.) Confidence goes a long way- We hear this a lot but since moving here I learned that being self-assured and sometimes overly confident is a good thing if you can deliver.

2.) People who own high-end brands sure are getting rich- Atlanta is stuntatistic.  Everyone wants to have the best of everything.  I like nice things but I live within my means.  I don’t like debt (God and Sallie Mae knows I have my fair share) and I will not sell my soul and or body for the Fall 2013 Louis Vuitton hand bag.

3.) Everyone wants to be on the scene- And what a scene it is to be on.  Being from the midwest I always think it’s funny that people down here care so much about being seen.  Where I come from you go out to have a great time, make memories and hang out with your friends.  Here it’s different.  It;s about who you know or can get to know.  How many bottles can your crew pop and last but not least how many people notice you

4.) You can never have enough malls- Don’t ever suggest a trip to the mall.  What you thought to be a simple suggestion turns into a debate…  Which mall?  What do you want to buy? High or low-end? Outside or inside? Gay or Straight? Urban or suburban? I never knew people would judge based on the malls you frequent. Apparently what mall you favor tells something about you, to me it just says ” I need new pants”.

5.) “Welcome to Atlanta where the Playas Play” is indeed a true statement-  The men and women in Atlanta play a lot of games not just in relationships with each other but in friendship as well. To me it’s a game of who has the best resource at the time. It’s a big game of who you know and what can they do for you. In terms of relationships young and old, male and female, are all about the games; no one really knows what they want not even the some who are already married and or have children.

6.) It’s gigantic little city- Atlanta is small enough to run into the same people all the time but big enough to have a long distance relationship.  Depending on your work to home commute, your home to significant others commute and not to mention the commute time to or from work to or from the significant other place of residence. You may only see them on the weekend and we haven’t factored in the daily life activities like the gym, and hobbies. The city is also big enough to date multiple people and none would be the wiser; but that would take a tremendous amount of effort and gas money.  The funnier thing is if you frequent the same places your social circle and dating pool becomes very small.

7.) The city of migrants and or immigrants- In order to meet people actually from Atlanta you have to go to the parts of the city that are on the news all the time.  I don’t tend to go that way often or at all so almost all of the people I’ve met are not from Atlanta.

8.)There are never enough Strip clubs.-  This is the strip club capital of the world.  Whatever your flavor is at the moment there is a strip club that caters to you.  Also the strip clubs are simply clubs with live entertainment, some are much less about the girls and more about the chicken wings.  I have never been to a place where going to the strip club was a normal option on the list of things to do… which brings me to my next point…

9.) Every $1.00 bill in Atlanta has been on the floor of a strip club-  When they say money is the most disgusting thing you can touch I can believe it.  From on the floor next to the stage, to tucked between a stripper’s butt cheeks. The most amazing thing I seen done with money is when the stripper can actually pick up bill with their nether regions.

10.) I don’t like to drive anymore-  Driving in a big city with traffic, terrible highway systems and nearly nonexistent public transport is the bane of my existence. I learned to drive in a state where they actually taught you how to drive under any condition, so when I first moved here I realized that I had to drive for everyone on the road because after you live in Georgia for awhile apparently you forget how to drive the correct way.  I don’t mean 10 and 2, I am talking about checking your blind spot and paying attention. Besides I spend way too much time in my car trying to get places because they are usually more than 20 minutes away or you inevitably get stuck in some form of traffic, and I never knew there were different variations of traffic.

11.) Just be yourself-  I think the reason I’ve made some strides in my life since moving to the “A” is because I’m just me, take it or leave it.  I haven’t tried to get in where I fit in, be anything or portray anything more than who  I genuinely am. This is a city you can easy lose yourself in.  It can be as fast paced as you make it.  But what works best is just being who you, genuine people tend to attract genuine people. As long as you know who are you can comfortably be that person.

Ending up on Maury is Easier Than You Think

****Disclaimer: Always practice Safe Sex.  Nobody will protect you better than you****

When you have 3 amazing sex partners that you vibe with, trust, and don’t have easy access to, the rules of overlap go out the window because you don’t know when you will get the opportunity to have some for the best sex of your life. Sex the way God himself intended it to be. This is a post about how my carefree reckless almost ended in  a classic Maury episode.

There are 3 men well maybe 4 now I have on again off again, complicated by distance, and simple realities relationships with.  Although I could possibly be with any of these men in a healthy meaningful relationship for one reason or another I enjoy a safe emotional distance and physical distance from all of them.

The biggest reason for the aforementioned dysfunctional relations is distance non of them live in my city.  I live in Atlanta but finding a person you want to entertain let alone have sex with here, is like seeing an invisible unicorn. So with that being said when I get to experience the familiar I take full advantage of the occasion.

Week 1: Best Lover/Friend

OMG he is at the airport getting a car to my place.  “Surprise I wanted to see you and you said you weren’t doing shit this weekend.”  Of course I oblige this is the man who told me to get the hell out of my old city and try something new.  The guy who saw my potential and continues to.  We talk about everything and spend hours on the phone once every other week. So two bottles of wine, one very stimulating conversation later he says the condom broke…. “Why would you buy Durex you remember what happened last year?” I ask in a panic “That’s what they had in the airport.”  We both laugh and don’t really think twice about it.

Week 2.5:  Possible Love of my life/Possible future Fiance

He makes a planned well in advance visit to see me for the weekend.  This man could has the most potential to be my future husband and he is actually open to the idea.  We haven’t used condoms in years.  The sex was great and the Morning After Pill was bought.  However I am not sure if I took that pill fast enough or if it would even matter because of the week before.

Week 3: Never going away college fling

This man has been dicking me down longer than the other two and we have always been at each other’s beck and call. So when he invites me on a business trip I go; like I have any other time I was available to do so. I pack a bag, catch the flight and have an amazing time wherever we end up.  We always use condoms since there was that whole chlamydia thing in college; we learned our lessons so no worries, we don’t take those chances.  But somehow in the middle of all the passion, fun, dancing and vodka somehow we ran out of condoms. First of all, we both brought condoms so how is this possible???? Second, when they say alcohol lowers your inhibitions, please believe them.  As we continued our weekend together we choose to employ the pull out method; which by the the way is very effective when done correctly. But this is a true gamble for me given my recent sexcapades. But the sex was just A-MAZ-ING.

Two weeks and one ovulation later I am 2 days late… No biggie Plan B does that.

Three and four days late was a breeze life carried on a usual.

By day seven I was worried. In my naivety I had questioned all the women looking for their babies fathers on Maury. You should always know, or at least I thought… My life and my very own Maury episode was on repeat in my daydreams and nightmares,  I could only imagine trying to explain this to anyone; after all I am not seeing anyone seriously and now I have 3 possible baby daddies. My future Love of my life and 2 non committal dysfunctional on again off agains.  I couldn’t be pregnant by any of these men, a baby is not in my life plan and my mom told me to slow down a long time ago.  I finally took a test and it was negative. I wish that were a sign but I don’t feel any normal symptoms of a cycle. I make an appointment at the OBGYN.  I need answers.

On the 10th day a sigh of relief my Aunt Flow decided to finally make a visit.  I was so happy to have a cycle I didn’t want to put in a tampon… but I did.  Now this doesn’t void out the doctor I need different type of test results.

Smokers, Traffic, Missing a Man, and Needing a Man

So I am on a never ending quest of self discovery.  As sure as I am of myself and so many things, some things have been on my mind.

Atlanta Traffic and people who drive in this city:  I’m slowly growing fond of my new city but the traffic 0_0.  People in Atlanta drive one of two ways;  either they have to be somewhere and they are running late, or they have no where to be so they don’t give a shit about where you have to be.  Also people don’t have to take a driver’s training class so they are handing out driver licenses as if they were face shots in a porno.

People take work to seriously: When I leave work, unless there is something that needs to done I try to leave all of my work and any emotions that come with the job in the office.  These people are not about to stress me out over non life threatening shit.  Maybe I have bad work ethic or maybe I realize that the job isn’t my entire life. 

If you wanted to see me you would be in my city not 4 hours away:  So this guy says he wants to see me because he’s in his home town.  Well his home town is 4 hours from my city.  I would understand his logic if he was trying to make that drive but he hits me with I flew “3 hours… Your turn”  I’ve flown to your city twice in the last 4 months.  If you wanted to see me you would be in my city I’m all outta traveling for you at this point.  Besides trips back home are for friends back home look them bitches up.

I actually miss this dude: Not the guy from the #3. Seriously never thought I would but I do. I guess life is funny in that way. He has piece of me and I don’t even want it back, he can hold on to it. I’m ok with the complexities of our friendship. He’s my drug of choice so it’a probably good that I don’t have access.

I don’t think I want children:  I am so on the fence about this.  I Love the idea of being a mother but the reality is you never retire from that job.  Sometimes when I talk to my Mom I’m like damn when will you ever be done worrying about us we are all grown ass adults.  Besides the way my life is set up…

Smokers allowed???: Dating a smoker is not a big deal.  I thought it would be but ironically I don’t mind it.  He doesn’t smoke in my place or around me at all and he doesn’t taste like an ash tray.  Everyone has their vice I can deal with cigarette smoke; weed is another topic, that shit stinks.  I don’t smoke but I’ve learned to live the fact that a lot of people still do and sometimes these people are very interesting.  Smokers seem more high strung and most high strung people I know are thinkers; thinkers are my type of people. It’s kinda like getting head; not looking for it but not opposed to it.

I need a man and not want but need: I hate when chicks say they don’t need a man.  Well if you don’t need one why are you so pressed about getting one.  I  Love the idea of sharing myself with someone on multiple levels and having that person become part of my being.  Men were put here for us to have them, stop saying you don’t need a man, you do; even the  most powerful women have men the go home to.  No matter how strong, secure or financially stable you are you will need a man or mate. unfortunately were weren’t meant to take on the world alone.