Married at First Sight: The experts can’t predict genuine chemistry

married-at-first-sight-logo

 

I truly believe that at the basis of any relationship is genuine chemistry, not attraction but chemistry.  Chemistry is what makes you to continue to talk to person who approached you.  It is the cosmic energy that draws you to a person from a across the room.  Call me a romantic but chemistry is important.

Married at first site is a social experiment show where experts match people based on interviews and profiles to marry immediately upon meeting.  There is a large wedding and everything.  Of the nine couples over three years and three seasons, only two couples have been able to make this work. I think the reason that this doesn’t work is chemistry.  Marrying a stranger is daunting and even if you are attracted to the person it is still daunting.  You can find someone attractive and not feel connected to them.

The flaw in Married at First Sight is chemistry because it is something that just happens.  The experts cannot predict chemistry between two people, which is the reason why everyone you’re matched with on the dating site of your choice doesn’t work out.  What looks good on paper does not means it will work for you.  The nuances of connection and feeling connected are so much more than personality profiles.  When you have genuine chemistry with someone there is an unspoken understanding of that person.  It is what makes us feel that this person is worth the trouble until proven otherwise.

There are several arguments as to why the shows premise that with expert matches, hard work on yourself you can marry a stranger isn’t working.  The number one argument is lack of intimacy.  Well let’s talk about that, you have cameras following you for six weeks after marrying a total stranger. Couple that with couples counseling, and romantic getaways chaperoned by show staff.  It’s not an intimate experience, some people have sex and some don’t.  No matter how much physical affection helps, sex and affection do not create intimacy, communication and understanding do.  When you are comfortable with your partner it is easier to build on intimacy, how are you going to do that with this set up?

The other argument is they were too “intimate” too fast.  I’m guessing intimate means sex… Well sex brings people closer but it doesn’t make them have an intimate connection only a physical one.  Sex is also a stress reliever and I’m guessing this a stressful situation and if it makes people feel better they are a married couple.Even if you are having all of the sex a person can handle it doesn’t suggest you have chemistry, to me it says you find that person attractive, not that you feel connected.

So basically chemistry is the basis for a relationship and experts can’t fabricate it.

Adventures from a cross cultural relationship Part 1: Family over Pets but my pets are my family…..

DSC_0266

My boyfriend is Nigerian and I am African American.  The funny thing is we never talk about until we don’t want to claim each other’s people, which usually happens when we see people who are actually being stereotypes. We don’t look for differences but sometimes they are stark and unavoidable.  One of these has to do with indoor dogs and his complete and utter confusion about this.

Until recently I had 2 dogs, a 3 year old Poodle and a 13 year old Pomeranian.  My boyfriend has never really been here for my fur babies, he tolerates them.  He is not willing to keep them on the weekend but he will pay for the boarding, lol.  I let my cousin, whom I had recently reconnected with after 10 years stay with me until she got on her feet. During her stay at my place my dog got hit by a car under her supervision.  Unfortunately my dog did not survive the trauma and after a million apologies I put my cousin out of my apartment. My boyfriend immediately encouraged me to reconsider, it was an accident and she was staying with me after having nowhere else to go.

The thing about family is that blood doesn’t make you sincere.  While I don’t think she meant for anything to happen, she did not take the necessary precautions to prevent it.  She also did not call after she left from my house, not even a text message which really made me feel as if she wasn’t as sorry as she claimed. My boyfriend doesn’t understand my attachment to my dogs he tries really hard but he doesn’t get it.  He likes dogs but he is not fond of them being in the house and dogs as small as mine really serve no purpose according to him, I can’t rally argue with that. He felt as if my cousins needs should have taken precedence over my grief.  He would have never put out a person because of a dog.

I showed up on his doorstep at 3 a.m. balling and drunk “He was a dog you can get another one” my boyfriend said. I had also gotten a memorial tattoo in my dogs memory and he liked the tattoo but really didn’t understand my pain. He held me while I cried, supplied me with 2 aspirin, a bottled water and of course a trashcan.   I was clearly too drunk and inconsolable for sex so he made me go to sleep. He didn’t understand but he was there for me nonetheless.

The next morning I tried to explain that when you nurture something for years you can’t replace it and no other dog would be my dog it would be a totally different dog with different quirks.  In our conversation we had to face that I take my dogs very seriously. I get very attached and grew up with dogs, I even took my Pomeranian to college.  A cousin who comes into your life after not seeing you for over 10 years then ends up on you couch doesn’t get that consideration.  We did not disagree but we did not exactly agree.  He has never had a dog so I didn’t expect him to understand, after all there are Americans who aren’t that serious about dogs but they understand the attachment.

Our disagreement was rooted in the treatment of family.  I am a firm believer in the nuclear and immediate families being close.  He runs errand for his mother’s friend’s cousin whim he calls aunty mostly because it’s respectful, but also because if everyone is aunty you don’t have to remember names.  He was raised to be there for his family immediate, extended and otherwise.  I admire that but I don’t adhere to that. My parents raised us to be close as siblings but we aren’t really obligated to extended family.

Love or whatever…

When do you say I Love you?  When do you know you Love someone? I am at a standstill… I think I Love him.  If he needs a piece of my liver or a kidney I would give it to him.  I would have his children under the right circumstances but do I Love him?  I haven’t actually pondered if I love someone in a very long time, it never gets to that point. I pray for him and care about him.  I don’t worry about him though, and in all of my thoughts I feel our friendship not necessary Love.  I feel the passion for life between us but not life necessarily together. I think I Love him though? There is a level of intimacy that is there and is comfortable.  I want to be better because of him and not disappoint him but do I Love him?  Do you just know?  Do you wait for the guy to declare it first?  What are the rules?  I am confused in this. Please HELP

Homie, Lover, Friend: Loving him

This is an Ode to the person I have always felt my best self around, he calls me on my bullshit and I listen to him; he is one of my favorite people.  I Love you to pieces and if we were never together again I would be happy to revel in your happiness because that is what I want most for you.  To be joyful and live the fullest life possible, because the way that I Love you is more than romantic. It is intimate and unique and it makes us friends.  I often say that friendship is one of the most sacred relationships to have and if you can be friends with someone the possibilities of that relationship are endless.  You are my friend and one I hold in my heart and would give a piece of my soul.  I Love you in ways that I have never been able to explain because it is a Love that has more interest in your happiness than your romantic companionship.  It is a Love that does not beg to be by your side because that may not be my place in your life.  It is a free Love that somehow makes my heart smile at you and for you.  My Love for you is not interested in reciprocation, it has existed regardless of how you feel about me because it is pure and true.

You are the perfect a ending to a great book and you are my prototype. Although being that  I do not hold you selfishly close to me because my Love for you is not selfish.  It will not allow me to selfishly chase you because it respects your choices and  trusts your heart. It is in this that I recognize that we may never be more that we are right now and that is my friend.

SELF ESTEEM: Why would you need inequality when you can hold yourself back?

Low self-esteem like most unpleasant things is a bitch.  You can’t Love someone into Loving themselves… I was recently in a relationship with a person who seemed like he had it together, but under the surfaced he was a wreck.  He never felt good enough for me. So much so that when his more successful friends showed interest in me he would tell me to weigh my options.  Now I am not in the business of stroking the egos of grown ass men but I really liked him and I would for the most part ignore the advances.

I often tried to make him feel good by making sure I wanted to do things in his budget or would simply just pay for things and not asking him for anything more than time and company.  What I learned as our relationship progressed is that no matter what I did that he was always insecure of where he was in life.  I mean I understood some things like not really having your own place at 40 years old but he had a great heart and treated me as well or better than any other man I dated.  But his insecurities caused a rift between us because he didn’t like to share because of them.  I am an open book so the fact that he couldn’t share things out of shame really hurt us.  I am not judgmental nor do I demand the finer things in life.  I grew up in the struggle and my life until recently was one.So the fact that he was ashamed of things really baffled me.

One day when we had both had very hard days at work, being beat down by the man. I realized that nothing I could do would make him feel better and there were several things that made me come to this conclusion.  The fact that he wasn’t willing to compete with seemingly more successful people for me and actually encouraged me to consider them was disheartening for me. If you don’t think you’re good enough why should I?  I also noticed that while I was complaining about the perils of corporate life he would kind of shut down and look dazed.  Other days he would not share anything about his day or the life.  He was the type of person who felt a strong since of entitlement to nice things but realized at some point he had not attained the level of success associated with these things.  He was not living the life felt he deserved and therefore I could not like/love him the way he was, where he was, as I tried so hard to do.

But you can’t Love someone into loving themselves.  Happiness starts with you and as long as you are unhappy nothing will feel right or satisfying.  I think that first and for most you have to be honest with yourself, then you can be honest with other people; honesty is the beginning to making yourself happy. Liking yourself simply comes from accepting yourself, flaws and all.  If you accept things for what they are you can learn to be comfortable with them.   You have to be willing to let someone meet you where you are even if that is not where you want to be. Be great by yourself, love yourself and allow others to do the same no matter what.

Simple tricks to avoid the Dick

I am very pro sex. I don’t attach my emotions to every sexual encounter and I typically do with my vagina and other privater parts as I please. However there is a part of the female community that likes to withhold sex until they feel the person they are with is worth the effort, and after a few less than stellar encounters I completely understand why.  I have been trying to figure out what I can add this conversation and this is what I came up with.  So if you find yourself trying to hold out this one is for you.  If you can think of more please add them to the comment section.

1. GO OUT:  It does not have  to be some extravagant over the top activity every time.  It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge.  If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.

2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build.  I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.

3. Terrible Panties:  The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own.  Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs.   Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.

4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex.  OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???”  I say hold up.  I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.

5. Don’t focus on his sexy:  There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy,  I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.

But the Dick was Good: Wet Beds and the Sex Deprived.

Let me tell you guys a story about how good dick can make you reconsider if not lower some standards.  So I was speaking with a good friend who has been dating a guy for awhile and she tells me after they have sex he always gets up and leaves According to him he doesn’t sleep well away from home.  Me being the skeptical one jumps the conclusion that he has someone at home waiting.  To me the only logical excuse to not sleep over the person’s house that you are dating and having sex with, is that you have to go home to someone else.

Now 2 weeks passes and he falls asleep laying next to her, she thinks that  he is finally comfortable enough at her place to sleep there so she thinks it’s victory.  She was seriously mistaking.  The next morning she woke up to a soaked mattress, clearly confused because she was sleeping next to a grown man.    When she wakes him, he explains to her that he never slept over because his bladder never fully developed as a child and he takes medication for that.  However he cannot take the medication on days when he plans on drinking alcohol.  Basically he occasionally wets the bed as an adult so he goes home and slips into some adult briefs just in case he has an accident.

I am trying to be polite and not condescending with this post because clearly this is a problem and it’s an embarrassing one at that, so no shade to him but I have to be honest….

So after laughing hysterically in disbelief, I asked was she going to continue seeing him because there is nothing sexy about sleeping next to a man in an adult sized pull-up and even less sexy is waking up in an adult sized urine puddle.  She hesitates to answer and that is when I begin to worry because clearly she is really struggling with breaking it off… She breaks out with “but the dick is good”.  0_0 Are you serious? The dick being good is not an adequate reason, to me anyway, to date man with a child’s bladder.  I understand that this is a real medical problem and maybe I am being too shallow but I like clean sheets and mattress that I have to steam clean only twice a year if I want.  I honestly don’t understand not breaking it off immediately.

Am I being too critical? Personally I’ve never had dick good enough to make me consider staying in this type of situation.