Married at First Sight: The experts can’t predict genuine chemistry

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I truly believe that at the basis of any relationship is genuine chemistry, not attraction but chemistry.  Chemistry is what makes you to continue to talk to person who approached you.  It is the cosmic energy that draws you to a person from a across the room.  Call me a romantic but chemistry is important.

Married at first site is a social experiment show where experts match people based on interviews and profiles to marry immediately upon meeting.  There is a large wedding and everything.  Of the nine couples over three years and three seasons, only two couples have been able to make this work. I think the reason that this doesn’t work is chemistry.  Marrying a stranger is daunting and even if you are attracted to the person it is still daunting.  You can find someone attractive and not feel connected to them.

The flaw in Married at First Sight is chemistry because it is something that just happens.  The experts cannot predict chemistry between two people, which is the reason why everyone you’re matched with on the dating site of your choice doesn’t work out.  What looks good on paper does not means it will work for you.  The nuances of connection and feeling connected are so much more than personality profiles.  When you have genuine chemistry with someone there is an unspoken understanding of that person.  It is what makes us feel that this person is worth the trouble until proven otherwise.

There are several arguments as to why the shows premise that with expert matches, hard work on yourself you can marry a stranger isn’t working.  The number one argument is lack of intimacy.  Well let’s talk about that, you have cameras following you for six weeks after marrying a total stranger. Couple that with couples counseling, and romantic getaways chaperoned by show staff.  It’s not an intimate experience, some people have sex and some don’t.  No matter how much physical affection helps, sex and affection do not create intimacy, communication and understanding do.  When you are comfortable with your partner it is easier to build on intimacy, how are you going to do that with this set up?

The other argument is they were too “intimate” too fast.  I’m guessing intimate means sex… Well sex brings people closer but it doesn’t make them have an intimate connection only a physical one.  Sex is also a stress reliever and I’m guessing this a stressful situation and if it makes people feel better they are a married couple.Even if you are having all of the sex a person can handle it doesn’t suggest you have chemistry, to me it says you find that person attractive, not that you feel connected.

So basically chemistry is the basis for a relationship and experts can’t fabricate it.

NOT Being Mary Jane… Another show that makes being crazy, desperate and unreasonable OK.

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So I finally marathon watched Being Mary Jane with Gabrielle Union on BET.  I watched it this way because I wasn’t that interested and so I needed to do it over the course of 2 days and I am not a Gabby Union fan.  This show highlighted a lot of stereotypes that apparently are a lot women’s realities because after the show some woman comes on through web cam and professes that she is Mary Jane as if it were an AA meeting. I am all for women’s empowerment and solidarity but I don’t think I have become desperate or crazy enough to identify with this character.  I feel the same way about Olivia Pope but Scandal is good for other reasons and Kerry Washington is freaking flawless in that show. I digress…

I am not Mary Jane and here is why… But I am still trying to figure out why anyone would admit that they are.

Mary Jane seems to not realize consequences of her actions until she is knee deep in a pile of her own shit that she created.  The bad things that happened were a direct result of her actions.  Don’t get me wrong I am not a saint and my foresight is not always that great but at the end of the day it doesn’t take tons of drama for me to acknowledge that I fucked up; including but not limited to wrecking a marriage and the suicide of a “friend”.

Mary Jane is ambitious with no goals.  Her life choices outside of her career are counter productive to what she says she wants.  Mary Jane sleeps with a married man, lets him move in with her after he leaves his wife and then dumps him for being married.  She is confused and self destructive.  She then stalks her ex, who has moved on and tells him that she wants him back.  But he then points out that she dumped him during his come up because it wasn’t happening fast enough for her.  So pretty much Mary Jane left him during his struggle and wants to reap the benefits of it. If your goal is to be married and have a family you have to take the necessary steps to make that happen.  I know that every man I get with is not going to be where I am or where I want him to be but if he is worth the trouble I think sticking around is how true Love works.  You don’t bail on the people you Love because they aren’t progressing at your pace.  The grind can be a long slow process. Most of all you can’t wait for an ex to become a millionaire and want him back,  that’s not fair or cool.

She has crazy ass female friends.  Honestly I have been known to say that I would go to jail for a night for my friends.  One night is my limit but I am a ride or die friend.  Your friends have to call you out on your crazy but that should not be pillars of crazy holding you up as the queen of crazy.  The show started with her friend trying to commit suicide, then that very same friend tells a guy that Mary Jane stole his sperm.  (*record scratches*…Yes Mary Jane stole a man’s sperm).  Then after it was all said and done the suicidal snitch friend, who is a gynecologist by the way, agrees to help her inseminate herself with this mans stolen sperm on the kitchen floor with a turkey baster.  Mary Jane’s other friend talks her in to going to the wife of the the man she had an affair with to apologize for her behavior.  I guess there was supposed to be nobility in this but in and earlier episode Mary Jane is speaking at a luncheon and throws and enormous amount of shade at this women during her speech.  I just don’t see how this is going to end well, and as a person who has been cheated on the mistresses apology was neither here nor there because she did not take responsibility for my feeling by being in a relationship with me. I guess I am lucky to have friends that would tell me to have a thousand fucking seats before they assisted me in any of the aforementioned bullshit.

So in No way do I feel I am Mary Jane and maybe my level of career success has not surpassed my level of personal happiness enough just yet.

You have reached the text message box….

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I wish could send out an auto response to anyone trying to date me, as if they reached my voicemail… I hate text message conversations. Text messaging should left for quick messages that supply some type of important information, or used when talking is not an option but it should never be a platform for a full blown conversation.  I was talking to my little sister who has a serious problem casually dating about her habits when it comes to texts.  I told her that she was reducing her role by using this a primary means of communication.  Here is why…

First off text messages are impersonal.  They do not give you the opportunity to hear the pauses between answers the uneasiness in a persons a voice removing the nuances that give you insight to the emotions attached to the words; texts remove most emotion from the conversation.  If you want to be impersonal use texts but if you want to get to know someone call them on the phone.   I mean anyone who has ever had an argument they didn’t want to have through text, or otherwise,  should understand this. 

Text can be taken out of context.  Sometimes text messages are confusing.  I don’t understand acronyms and at times it seems like people just make them up.  Also there is no tone in a test message so if you’re like me you have to figure out how literal, sarcastic or humorous the person is being.  I end up in a never ending game of cipher.

Texts provide the opportunity to multi-task. He or she could be texting you and be on a date with another person.  To me that means that the person clearly has no time for you and wants to group you into “things they can do while (insert activity here)” category.  Further reducing your role and their interest.  How can you hold someone’s attention when you never have their undivided attention. Or this can turn into constant communication.  I have a job and texts are the last thing on my mind during the day and when I get home or ever, so I don’t usually fall victim to this, but text messages can give you a false sense of who the person on the other end is.

Text messages leave a conversation trail, you can’t deny something you sent in text. I like spoken conversation because they conversation is from my lips to his or her ear.  It is not archived for any reflection out side of what is remembered; and when  a person remember without references it shows that they are interested and pay attention to what you have to say.

I don’t text people I plan to be serious with I talk to them on on the phone or usually in person.  My texts are reserved for quick concise communication. Not a in depth conversation.

I Love technology but text messaging is ruining the beginning of many potential relationships.

Maybe I Pussy Pop on a Handstand…

In my sleep, because I clearly don’t do that shit while I’m awake.  I don’t know what it is about myself that attracts men but I have been attracting guys like a bitch in heat and I don’t knot what it is.  This weekend I purposefully did not  comb my hair put on any makeup or get dressed for that matter: college tee, flip flops and basic jeans. Do you realize I was approached by at least one guy everywhere I went ranging in ages from 24-56.  I felt like my picture was being passed around with an easy target message saying that I do “magnificent tricks and shit” and I had no idea; hence the title.

I know it seems shallow to complain about being hit on but I was exhausted and the fact that I put in  extra effort to avoid this scenario is even more disturbing.  By all means I feel that there are more attractive women all around with better faces and better bodies.  But I seem to have this problem on a regular basis, can I go to farmers market in peace please, just once.  I feel that I get approached way more than the average women.  I am starting to wonder why.  What makes a person approachable? I mean it happens in the most random places

The fact that I seem approachable is nice because men are not intimidated by me and I try very hard to be polite when turning people down. And please don’t think I mistake a hello with being hit on.  I know the difference between being polite and being interested. Women who get hit on often, and are not too full of themselves, can make that distinction.  so when I say that I was hit on, I mean full on conversation and contact info request.  I am not referring to being polite.

I feel like this a very shallow post so I will end with this.  Although it seems shallow to some and other may empathize, I am very thankful for being attractive and approachable, even though I don’t understand and sometimes struggle with it. Jesus please be some understanding.

Every Single Woman Needs 3 Men

My friends and I continuously have a conversation about the guys we keep around or need to find and have narrowed the list down to these guys who either have skills or resources. Being single does not mean you don’t entertain the idea of men being around; to me it means the men that are around serve a purpose.  I guess the trick with this is which one are you going to sleep with, if any?  I think that every single woman needs 3 men in her life that she can call on when needed a these are the guys you try not piss off because they can be hard to come by.

A Mechanic:  If you have an older car this guy will always come in handy and if you have a newer car he will show you how to maintain it.  A Mechanic is a must have to the rooster if you don’t know much about cars.  This man will save you money in the long run by either doing repairs or not letting you get taken advantage of at a repair shop.  If you don’t know a mechanic meet or find someone who does and get to know the mechanic.  The trick with this relationship is that you should always pay him for his services if he does a repair and be very, very nice to him.  You don’t want to piss off the mechanic, because cars are unpredictable and always break down at inopportune times.  However if your dad or a family member is handy you may not need him.

Sleep with him?  NO,  you can’t mess this up with sex.  Mechanics are like polar bears these days; hard to find. Besides you will probably wonder if his hands are clean..

 

A Tech Guy: Initially I thought a computer guy but I’m technology incompetent at times, so while I know the basics about computers, I know absolutely nothing about TVs, ipads, tablets, cameras or anything else that needs to be charged.  I only use my phone for the basic functions.  A tech guy comes in handy when your computer dies or tries to, when you want to buy a TV and hook it up, when you have questions or just to watch TV, because his TV and surround sound will be better than yours.

 
Sleep with him? Maybe.  These guys are becoming more common if they don’t have an extensive knowledge of techy things they may know enough to be useful but not enough to be irreplaceable.

 

A Wallet:  This guy is who people would consider your bottom.  You may have been serious with him for a while but things didn’t work out but so when you need anything you can call him.  He is the guy with extra money who supports you when you need it.  I am not saying that you use him unnecessarily but he is a valuable resource so don’t abuse it.  This is the guy you have to keep happy while maintaining your freedom and depending on the man it’s a balancing act because you have history so feelings are involved at times.

Sleep with him?  You already have… If it doesn’t complicate things more, carry on.  However you have to be mindful that more sex can make it messier than it probably already is.  You need to keep him happy because he will be the one paying the mechanic and he may also serve as your tech guy.
 

30 Day Challenge Day 3

Day 3: Describe how you deal with relationships.

 

Communicate, understand, be myself and forgive.  I do these things.

Communication is an important aspect of any relationship. Communicating clearly and effectively is the key to making a relationship work unfortunately men  and women communicate differently, as well as, individuals communicating differently.  I think if you can find your rhythm in terms of communication, you might be half way there in any relationship.

Understanding is simply being empathetic.  If you can understand where your partner is coming from you can settle a lot of things a lot faster.  Understanding a persons history and why they are the way they are is very important.  The thing is sometimes we get so caught up in trying to be right and prove points that we forget to be empathetic so I try to always be understanding.  However there are times when I fail miserably.

I am always myself and I never apologize for it. unfortunately not all people can deal with this but for those who can it will be one hell of a ride. I think that you can never be happy in a relationship if you try to change the essence of who you are; you have to Love you. Never being sorry for doing things that make you, you.

I believe in forgiveness,  and by forgiveness I don’t think you can ever truly think that whatever hurt you in the past will not happen again and be done by the same person.  I think you have to be accepting of a person’s shortcomings and thus forgive them.  You can’t carry the hurt with you.  To me forgiveness is about being able to look past the hurt and find the joy again. It’s about loving someone in spite of and letting go of the hope that the past could be any different.  The experience shapes us into the people we are meant to become so you have to able to forgive; even if the relationship falls apart.

Regrets

Regrets are for the birds. Own whatever you choose to do. By own I don’t mean share it all with world, I mean don’t wish you could change things. I think that hindsight is 20/20 so looking back you may think another action may have been better, and more than likely it would have been, but I always look at the circumstances and mindset behind the action. We will all do young and dumb, or just plain dumb shit; it’s part of life. Regrets in my opinion are a waste of time. I suggest we own every action or inaction with some sort of appreciation for either the fact that we were bold, growing, or already mature. You can’t change the past but you can learn from it and you can’t tell the future but you are writing it everyday.