Married at First Sight: The experts can’t predict genuine chemistry

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I truly believe that at the basis of any relationship is genuine chemistry, not attraction but chemistry.  Chemistry is what makes you to continue to talk to person who approached you.  It is the cosmic energy that draws you to a person from a across the room.  Call me a romantic but chemistry is important.

Married at first site is a social experiment show where experts match people based on interviews and profiles to marry immediately upon meeting.  There is a large wedding and everything.  Of the nine couples over three years and three seasons, only two couples have been able to make this work. I think the reason that this doesn’t work is chemistry.  Marrying a stranger is daunting and even if you are attracted to the person it is still daunting.  You can find someone attractive and not feel connected to them.

The flaw in Married at First Sight is chemistry because it is something that just happens.  The experts cannot predict chemistry between two people, which is the reason why everyone you’re matched with on the dating site of your choice doesn’t work out.  What looks good on paper does not means it will work for you.  The nuances of connection and feeling connected are so much more than personality profiles.  When you have genuine chemistry with someone there is an unspoken understanding of that person.  It is what makes us feel that this person is worth the trouble until proven otherwise.

There are several arguments as to why the shows premise that with expert matches, hard work on yourself you can marry a stranger isn’t working.  The number one argument is lack of intimacy.  Well let’s talk about that, you have cameras following you for six weeks after marrying a total stranger. Couple that with couples counseling, and romantic getaways chaperoned by show staff.  It’s not an intimate experience, some people have sex and some don’t.  No matter how much physical affection helps, sex and affection do not create intimacy, communication and understanding do.  When you are comfortable with your partner it is easier to build on intimacy, how are you going to do that with this set up?

The other argument is they were too “intimate” too fast.  I’m guessing intimate means sex… Well sex brings people closer but it doesn’t make them have an intimate connection only a physical one.  Sex is also a stress reliever and I’m guessing this a stressful situation and if it makes people feel better they are a married couple.Even if you are having all of the sex a person can handle it doesn’t suggest you have chemistry, to me it says you find that person attractive, not that you feel connected.

So basically chemistry is the basis for a relationship and experts can’t fabricate it.

Thoughts of the son we could have had.

I’m just kinda taking whatever life gives me and hoping that I make the right decision. – Amy Smart

Sometimes I think about our baby.   How he would look, act, talk. Would he be a spitting image of his Dad.  I would want him to be, his Dad is an amazing man.   He would be beautiful and smart. Would he be quietly thoughtful like his Dad or outspoken with quick wit like his mom. I think  about this sometimes when I think about his father. A very handsome, thoughtful man doing well for himself, any woman’s dream Baby Daddy, but I didn’t want a Baby Daddy. I didn’t want to impose my presence on anyone’s life, as well as, put myself in a vulnerable position. I was not ready for the best or worst outcome. But I think about him.

I think about him in the way that you would think about a dream, like a distant reality that you’re not sure you want to be real.  I think about him and what he would have done to us.  Would he have made us stronger and closer or would he have made you resent me? Would he be the reminder of a bad decision or an outcome to be celebrated? He would have been loved and we would have adjusted eventually.

I feel that children should come to two people who want a child not into chaos which is where we were at the time. That is my personal preference, no disrespect to single Mothers but I would not choose to be one.  I cherish life partnerships over offsprings. It’s nice to have a legacy but I want to share that legacy with someone I would rather be childless, than a single mother; but who knows that could always change.

Now that I am ready to start to settle down I think about these things.  I feel that for that time in our lives I made the right decision not only for me but for us. This post is in no way a reflection of me being haunted by a decision; under those circumstances I would make the same decision if it were today.    So when I am ready and under circumstances that I deem acceptable, I will have a child. That child will have a life filled with Love and support but I will still think about him, and what kind big brother he would have been.

I’m Jealous??? Tales of a Love triangle and the mixed emotions it brings.

I have been involved in a lasting Love triangle, which recently I may have turned into a square (a lot less complicated than it sounds).  Why do I insist on making my life more complicated than  it should ever be?  I have created a tangled web of emotional and physical ties and I may be losing my cool after all.

So it all began when my guy, Dee and I were on the outs but we weren’t officially dating yet. With Dee’s permission I started to entertain Waju’s,  affections.  You see I didn’t necessarily click with Waju because I never gave him a fair chance, but we had a good time for what it was and when Dee came to his senses, I dropped him and went back to Dee….

Fast forward 6 months and while I don’t talk to Waju outside of our social circle or in a group setting when we are around each other the energy is there.  The attraction never went away and mix that with copious amounts of alcohol and you have a love triangle gone awry.  Waju tends to bring the flavor of the week around and I usually roll with it, because as I said they are the flavor of the week, but sometimes there is this tinge of jealousy.  Why can’t I have them all??? Dee lets me do me, which is great because it takes a special man to understand that need and I try very hard to be respectful.

So enter the RN from the East Coast.  She seemed nice I couldn’t dislike her, but she is looking for a husband and I can always tell the ones looking for a husband.  They shop at Macy’s and wear church dresses to the club, their heels are always 2 inches too low, and nail polish is always chipped.  I am not being judgy,  I really liked her, but they all dress the same, but usually have potential.   What I didn’t like was Waju’s hand on her knee, they way he leaned into her when she spoke to him, or his incessant need to remind me that it she wasn’t like the other girls; she was smart, educated and had her own money.  I had to admit she was a good pick, and competition.  But in order of her to be competition I would have to measure myself next to her.  We would have to have the same end goal and we don’t.  So I confused myself. It was jealousy.

When we got home Dee called me out on my jealousy and he said he thought it was cute.   He’s never seen me feel the way, that the woman who is never fazed or intimidated, was served what I usually dish out. Honestly I didn’t know that being jealous of another women over a guy was something I was capable of.

Marriage Zone???? There is truth to it but it is still full of Bullshit

Recently one of my close guy friends sent me an article or blog post called “The Marriage Zone”.  The Marriage Zone Theory suggests that women and men come to optimal dating ages  two different age ranges.  While women are more desirable when the are young, men are more desirable as they age.  But there is a small window for women to marry men before the woman has aged too much and the man hasn’t reached his full dating potential.  This what is considered the marriage zone. marriage zone 2The article then suggest that guys should avoid the marriage zone because dating life gets so much better for them if they make it through this rough patch.  But women should try to snag at man at this optimal marrying age, before he realizes his potential, and if they don’t women will be single through their thirties and possibly beyond that.

So my take on the marriage zone is there is some truth to this.  However there are  a few things to consider when thinking about things based on age alone.  Some guys aren’t the player type.  There are guys out there that like to be with one person and enjoy the person they are with.  They are not into games because they don’t see the point.  These are the guys that aspire to the family life early on.  The idea that copious amounts of sex will satisfy every man suggest that men are more simple than I thought.

The idea that age is the key variable in a woman’s ability to attract men is bullshit.  I am pretty sure that any woman who takes care of her body will age well.  I think that life experiences hinder women more than actual age.  Women lose their optimism as they age and with the biological clock ticks (and I truly believe this clock is real), they become a little impatient.  Women who are approaching or in their 30s are not less desirable to men but they have a zero tolerance for games.  However women who are not looking to settle down play as many games as a men in their age group.  They know how to attract men and keep them coming back for more.

So do I think that the Marriage Zone is Bullshit???

YES and NO. I think that after 30 men and women have different goals. But if you get two people together who have the same goals and interests then the age doesn’t factor in as much.  I think that women have to be more patient and open minded with men as we get older and that men need to figure out what they want sooner rather than later.  Who wants to become a dad for the first time after 40 with a 25 year old??? So really this marriage zone thing is where you place it, as long as you are mentally prepared to spend you life with someone  you get married whenever you want. I am very close to 30 at this point and have no plans of settling down anytime soon and I have no problems attracting men of all ages so….

BEYONCE: Showing us how to become women first and get Nasty later.

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As we all know Beyonce is the Queen of freaking universe right now. There is nothing her Beyhive won’t do for her, and I’m pretty sure that is not limited to murder. Actually her affect on people is a little scary but that is another post.

Beyonce has been telling us, and by us I mean women, that we are independent survivors who run the world and men are irreplaceable beings that need to be upgraded by us and if they aren’t ready to step up they should shut up.

Now I am a fan of Beyonce but until this album I was a little indifferent about her as a person but after a couple of listens to her new surprise album I must say that I am impressed by her as person. I am not impressed because it was a secret and she completely dismantled everyone else’s career in the music industry and broke the internet for an entire day.  But because on December 13th, 2013 nothing else in the world happened or at least no one noticed as the world stopped to catch it’s breath and get a glimpse of her greatness. Not because she managed to shoot 17 music videos basically unnoticed throughout the entire year. I am impressed because of the message and legacy that she is leaving through her image and music.

In the past she has shown us how to be sexy and classy without having to be nasty; maybe that’s why people like me who loved her were a little bored with her. But this album lets us get nasty, kinda like she gave us permission. She puts us inside her nasty seductive mind and shows us that in the right situation and with the right person we can be the sexual beings that we all are. Beyonce has not always sold us sex; she sells sexy but never really sex. Its is not until she has had child and a husband and been doing that for a while has she brought the sexy full circle with straight sex.  But along with sex she shows us that there is so much to being women that we have embrace all parts of that.  That at the end of the day Loving and being Loved are two of the most important things that can ever, ever be.  In this album she take us from working very hard to be perfect to simply embracing life all that entails.  

But oh the sex…

The well poised women knows that sexy sells and gets you a little further a lot faster than blatant sex. Its always ok the be the fun seductive one, but reserving the right to your body to a person you deem worthy of it is a very important part of seduction. It’s being available but letting only a few have you; the perfect fantasy . I don’t always adhere to these standards but I know that sleeping around gets around, and to be taken seriously you have to first and foremost take yourself seriously.

Now some may argue that she crosses the line, and that she is no longer kid friendly. For people like me it is breath of fresh air, she is being her complete self and coming full circle. She is a mother, wife, business women, who is married to a rapper who could have just about any women any way he wants. Did we think they were having sex in the missionary position on beds with the lights off??? I am happy that King Bey finally gave a us some sex and 17 amazing videos that were sexy and tasteful. Showing that a little ratchet can be a whole lot sexy.

**For those of you who haven’t seen it that’s Beyonce’s album cover art and also her ass. If you don’t like the new album be sure to kiss it.**

Transporter Update: The Result of “The Talk”

A few weeks back I wrote this post. For those of you who didn’t read it it was about a guy I am involved with and how I felt like a side chick but there was no evidence of being one. So a few things have transpired since I wrote that.  I found out that he is older than I initially thought, making him 13 years my senior not the 8 years I originally believed. Honestly it didn’t bother me.  His age did not affect who he is it adds to somethings but I’m not 21 anymore and haven’t been for a long time.  He has been married and divorced; but he has no children.

Well We had the talk and it made me question what I am looking for. I am comfortable with my relationship with him but I think a title gives you security.  It defines obligations and sets boundaries, but the thing about title is it also creates expectations.  While we are in the nameless shapeless gray area we are responsible for our expectations.  This meaning we are not obligated to each others expectations.  It does not mean that they don’t exist simply means  we are not held accountable for disappointments.   I know that is a cop out, but I felt that at the time I didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s feelings or anything else for that matter; and what guy wouldn’t want the perks of a relationship without the burden of the obligation.

I guess the more I evaluated this arrangement the more I felt it was becoming a a little silly.  While we are responsible for our own feelings that does not exempt us from guilt.  When you begin to feel guilty for disappointment or missteps, you have to move into another phase in the relationship.  I think that is imperative to understand that no matter how hard we try or how distant we try to be when you begin to feel guilt and you begin to miss someone then you have fallen and we are at that point.  The feeling of being a side chick was me rationalizing the emotional distance  I was beginning to feel.

A few things came up in our talk.

My independence and Ambitions

He said that he feels like he only adds companionship to my life because I don’t need him for anything else and while he very much likes that I am that way, he struggles to find where he would fit other than where he already has.  Is independence threatening for a man?  While I was beginning to consider it a strength, I can understand how it can be daunting to add something to a person who seemingly has everything handled. So how do I balance my ambitions and goals with my personal life?  As a man what would be his role?

Past relationships

We both have ties to exes and that is hard to balance when bringing in someone new to the picture.  It is safe to say that these things may or may not have completely ended.

The future

If we were to embark on a relationship what would that mean for us?  Our age difference makes it difficult to determine if we are dating for marriage or for kicks.  The fact that he has been married in the past puts certain pressure on him to decide if he would want to do that again and me staring down 30 puts me on the fast track to children if that’s what we wanted to do together.  I know that the age thing may seem like nothing to some and and everything to others.

What I truly want

He posed a question that made me hesitate.  “Do you want a relationship or do you want a relationship with me?”  I had to think on that. I felt that sometimes that can be a valid question.  Some people just want relationships.  I wanted a relationship with him.  It wasn’t a question of do I just want a relationship.  The question has been do I like this person enough to just be with him.  I felt that it was him; it wasn’t driven my loneliness or some lack of control that I began to feel.

I never thought the “The Talk” would become a deep debate about life , I just thought that either he was into me or he wasn’t.  I am black and white on things like that but there are so many gray areas to consider I backed off.  So the conclusion I came to is that we should just give each other some space.  I think that I was given a lot of things to consider and down the line if it happens I would be happy to have him around.

You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a FIt

My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way.  There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility.  The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall.  The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them.  Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction.   Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it.  The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them.  Your elevated hormone level has tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked  from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.

The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay.  It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone.  I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week .  It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years.  They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore.  I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe.  Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her.  He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce.  Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship.  I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.

The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way.  The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way.  I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be.  Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.

All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over.  We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so.  But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get  and You Don’t Throw a Fit.