Adventures from a cross cultural relationship Part 1: Family over Pets but my pets are my family…..

DSC_0266

My boyfriend is Nigerian and I am African American.  The funny thing is we never talk about until we don’t want to claim each other’s people, which usually happens when we see people who are actually being stereotypes. We don’t look for differences but sometimes they are stark and unavoidable.  One of these has to do with indoor dogs and his complete and utter confusion about this.

Until recently I had 2 dogs, a 3 year old Poodle and a 13 year old Pomeranian.  My boyfriend has never really been here for my fur babies, he tolerates them.  He is not willing to keep them on the weekend but he will pay for the boarding, lol.  I let my cousin, whom I had recently reconnected with after 10 years stay with me until she got on her feet. During her stay at my place my dog got hit by a car under her supervision.  Unfortunately my dog did not survive the trauma and after a million apologies I put my cousin out of my apartment. My boyfriend immediately encouraged me to reconsider, it was an accident and she was staying with me after having nowhere else to go.

The thing about family is that blood doesn’t make you sincere.  While I don’t think she meant for anything to happen, she did not take the necessary precautions to prevent it.  She also did not call after she left from my house, not even a text message which really made me feel as if she wasn’t as sorry as she claimed. My boyfriend doesn’t understand my attachment to my dogs he tries really hard but he doesn’t get it.  He likes dogs but he is not fond of them being in the house and dogs as small as mine really serve no purpose according to him, I can’t rally argue with that. He felt as if my cousins needs should have taken precedence over my grief.  He would have never put out a person because of a dog.

I showed up on his doorstep at 3 a.m. balling and drunk “He was a dog you can get another one” my boyfriend said. I had also gotten a memorial tattoo in my dogs memory and he liked the tattoo but really didn’t understand my pain. He held me while I cried, supplied me with 2 aspirin, a bottled water and of course a trashcan.   I was clearly too drunk and inconsolable for sex so he made me go to sleep. He didn’t understand but he was there for me nonetheless.

The next morning I tried to explain that when you nurture something for years you can’t replace it and no other dog would be my dog it would be a totally different dog with different quirks.  In our conversation we had to face that I take my dogs very seriously. I get very attached and grew up with dogs, I even took my Pomeranian to college.  A cousin who comes into your life after not seeing you for over 10 years then ends up on you couch doesn’t get that consideration.  We did not disagree but we did not exactly agree.  He has never had a dog so I didn’t expect him to understand, after all there are Americans who aren’t that serious about dogs but they understand the attachment.

Our disagreement was rooted in the treatment of family.  I am a firm believer in the nuclear and immediate families being close.  He runs errand for his mother’s friend’s cousin whim he calls aunty mostly because it’s respectful, but also because if everyone is aunty you don’t have to remember names.  He was raised to be there for his family immediate, extended and otherwise.  I admire that but I don’t adhere to that. My parents raised us to be close as siblings but we aren’t really obligated to extended family.

Advertisements

Opinions are like orgasms…. What I’ve learned from having Loose Morals.

MjAxMi00NjExMjI5MjYzNDU4ZGQ1

For the most part this has been my motto since I was smart enough to not give a shit about people’s opinions, especially when their opinion pertains to my vagina and what I choose to do with it.  I always simultaneously cringe and evil laugh when people insist that every sexual experience you have is a spiritual and emotional mixing of souls.  Because my morals are loose and my pussy is always tight there have been some hard learned lessons along the way; the biggest lesson has been about other people’s opinions.

Who I have sex with is my business and it’s best to keep it that way.  Unfortunately not everyone will give less fucks than I do, and the thing is, although I don’t have many to give about other peoples opinions. However eventually they will be encountered so I had to learn how to deal with them and not be ashamed or feel belittled.

There is a certain level of freedom that comes with being self realized.  I have learned to not hold on to people too tightly, people who genuinely like will do so regardless.  True friends will tell YOU when you’re wrong or sloppy, they will not tell everyone else you’re wrong or sloppy.  Being able to have friends around is very good and keeps you grounded as well as balanced.  You have to be able to be a popular acquaintance and a rare friend, many people will know of you and few will actually know you.

Sex is, to some people, a very intimate experience which is true some of the time.  I think that is important to be comfortable with the people you sleep with and comfortable with your decision after.  My best friend is not a person who can have detached sex for pleasure and she doesn’t, but that doesn’t make every experience for her a spiritual one. I do not think that she is any less liberated than me I just think that she mentally responds to things differently.  There are guys who have these same feelings and I know for a fact women have more sex than guys. Which is part of the reasons guys are so judgmental about body count… Oh yea if someone asks for a body count RUN.  It’s very immature to even care about that at this point, we should be more worried about protection and testing frequency.

The double standard is real but people will only treat you how you allow them to.  I have run into some sticky situations in group settings but I have never once felt that I am less than anyone or that I had done something wrong.  Carrying shame for things you have done that don’t negatively affect people is wrong.  Letting people treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable is wrong; demanding that people respect you is not.  I have ran into guys I slept with while out with a new guy and I speak and keep moving because I am not easy nor am I doing anything wrong.  I am proud to say that I am cordial to majority of the people I’ve dealt with and they respect each other. Being around more than one guy you’ve been with in the same place at the same time is taboo,  I don’t really know why but being shameful brings shame.

Test the merchandise.  The worst thing you can have is buyers remorse.  If you’re not into it leave.  I do it for fun even, just get up and leave.  Before clothes come off if you’re not into it don’t go through with it. If you straddle him and don’e feel anything through his clothes, TRUST ME get up and leave; unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Do your thing, respect yourself, and demand other people respect you.

I’m Jealous??? Tales of a Love triangle and the mixed emotions it brings.

I have been involved in a lasting Love triangle, which recently I may have turned into a square (a lot less complicated than it sounds).  Why do I insist on making my life more complicated than  it should ever be?  I have created a tangled web of emotional and physical ties and I may be losing my cool after all.

So it all began when my guy, Dee and I were on the outs but we weren’t officially dating yet. With Dee’s permission I started to entertain Waju’s,  affections.  You see I didn’t necessarily click with Waju because I never gave him a fair chance, but we had a good time for what it was and when Dee came to his senses, I dropped him and went back to Dee….

Fast forward 6 months and while I don’t talk to Waju outside of our social circle or in a group setting when we are around each other the energy is there.  The attraction never went away and mix that with copious amounts of alcohol and you have a love triangle gone awry.  Waju tends to bring the flavor of the week around and I usually roll with it, because as I said they are the flavor of the week, but sometimes there is this tinge of jealousy.  Why can’t I have them all??? Dee lets me do me, which is great because it takes a special man to understand that need and I try very hard to be respectful.

So enter the RN from the East Coast.  She seemed nice I couldn’t dislike her, but she is looking for a husband and I can always tell the ones looking for a husband.  They shop at Macy’s and wear church dresses to the club, their heels are always 2 inches too low, and nail polish is always chipped.  I am not being judgy,  I really liked her, but they all dress the same, but usually have potential.   What I didn’t like was Waju’s hand on her knee, they way he leaned into her when she spoke to him, or his incessant need to remind me that it she wasn’t like the other girls; she was smart, educated and had her own money.  I had to admit she was a good pick, and competition.  But in order of her to be competition I would have to measure myself next to her.  We would have to have the same end goal and we don’t.  So I confused myself. It was jealousy.

When we got home Dee called me out on my jealousy and he said he thought it was cute.   He’s never seen me feel the way, that the woman who is never fazed or intimidated, was served what I usually dish out. Honestly I didn’t know that being jealous of another women over a guy was something I was capable of.

“Insert Moan Here”: Adolescent make out session because I can handle that amount of guilt.

It almost happened… I let my guard down and the best friend saw it.  I guess I’m not as clever as I thought.  I tried to stay away and effectively I did because we were in a groups setting.  No Sunday afternoon drinks, or movie with a “Friend”; we went out as group, partied to sunrise and made out well into the afternoon. I feel guilty, even though there was no sex taking place and no clothes came off I still feel skanky.  I have to say I am proud of that feeling because there was a time when guilty and skanky never crossed my mind, a time when I would have had sex with him and not thought twice about the havoc that it would cause because I would just move on, leaving chaos in my wake.  I am growing and of that I am proud.

Aside from the adolescent make out session we had as grown ass adults we talked a lot and even though I am still trying to cipher through what’s real and utter bullshit.  I can’t say that I am moved in one way or another.  I am always slow to fall in like with anyone and I can’t fall in like with a person who is this close to my boyfriend…

I think that anyone bold enough to step to his friends girl is shady and I am no better for giving in to the advances,  but I realized that I am fundamentally flawed a long time ago so dealing with another person with less fucks to give that me is scary.  This could be a test which I am slowing failing at but who the hell knows.  I think I am doing well considering my past history of not being faithful. I could be a conquest.  Sometimes we do things just to see if we can do them,  for him this could be it. To me that’s intriguing because I would like to prove to myself that I can change, I don’t have to be so impulsive all of the time.

The dilemma now is do I tell my boyfriend what happened.  I think that I should deny, deny deny.

Intrigued by the Best Friend bored with the Boyfriend

images (6)

I am attracted to his best friend.  This is not going to end well so I am preparing to for my exit from his life.  This may have started with the awkward drunken kiss that happened between us or the day we spent together.  The newness of his smell and optimism in his eyes. He did more with me in one day than my boyfriend has done with me in six months. He even taught me how to shoot a gun and told me I should get one. The hands that he had to put on my waist to steady me and slow intentional breaths he told me take. There is something about his friend that makes me curious and it may be the deliberate manner in which he secretly pursues me, or the security I feel with his height, may be the way he barely dances when we’re out or his insistence to wear shades even in dark clubs. There is a coolness about him that I am usually put off by but I’m intrigued.

I am usually pretty clear about friends being off limits but this friend… I think about him and I think about him.  I wonder what he’s doing and as I pick up my phone to text him I always put the phone down, without sending anything deleting the text so that I won’t be reminded there was a draft.  I put it down because he is trouble, I can see trouble a mile away and that is what this is.  I am comfortable with my boyfriend but very bored and there is no spontaneity, no excitement.

My boyfriend carries a weight on his back and I can see it.  It seems as though he is giving up on his dreams. This weight is in his walk and his deep thoughts.  The way that he can watch TV for hours and never consider leaving the house, there is somberness to him.  His best friend has zest for life and for new things, but it is his zest that gives me pause.  His need to know; his curiosity about me. It is off putting because people who are this way tend to have the attention span of a puppy and curiosity as they say…. killed the cat.

BEYONCE: Showing us how to become women first and get Nasty later.

images (4)

As we all know Beyonce is the Queen of freaking universe right now. There is nothing her Beyhive won’t do for her, and I’m pretty sure that is not limited to murder. Actually her affect on people is a little scary but that is another post.

Beyonce has been telling us, and by us I mean women, that we are independent survivors who run the world and men are irreplaceable beings that need to be upgraded by us and if they aren’t ready to step up they should shut up.

Now I am a fan of Beyonce but until this album I was a little indifferent about her as a person but after a couple of listens to her new surprise album I must say that I am impressed by her as person. I am not impressed because it was a secret and she completely dismantled everyone else’s career in the music industry and broke the internet for an entire day.  But because on December 13th, 2013 nothing else in the world happened or at least no one noticed as the world stopped to catch it’s breath and get a glimpse of her greatness. Not because she managed to shoot 17 music videos basically unnoticed throughout the entire year. I am impressed because of the message and legacy that she is leaving through her image and music.

In the past she has shown us how to be sexy and classy without having to be nasty; maybe that’s why people like me who loved her were a little bored with her. But this album lets us get nasty, kinda like she gave us permission. She puts us inside her nasty seductive mind and shows us that in the right situation and with the right person we can be the sexual beings that we all are. Beyonce has not always sold us sex; she sells sexy but never really sex. Its is not until she has had child and a husband and been doing that for a while has she brought the sexy full circle with straight sex.  But along with sex she shows us that there is so much to being women that we have embrace all parts of that.  That at the end of the day Loving and being Loved are two of the most important things that can ever, ever be.  In this album she take us from working very hard to be perfect to simply embracing life all that entails.  

But oh the sex…

The well poised women knows that sexy sells and gets you a little further a lot faster than blatant sex. Its always ok the be the fun seductive one, but reserving the right to your body to a person you deem worthy of it is a very important part of seduction. It’s being available but letting only a few have you; the perfect fantasy . I don’t always adhere to these standards but I know that sleeping around gets around, and to be taken seriously you have to first and foremost take yourself seriously.

Now some may argue that she crosses the line, and that she is no longer kid friendly. For people like me it is breath of fresh air, she is being her complete self and coming full circle. She is a mother, wife, business women, who is married to a rapper who could have just about any women any way he wants. Did we think they were having sex in the missionary position on beds with the lights off??? I am happy that King Bey finally gave a us some sex and 17 amazing videos that were sexy and tasteful. Showing that a little ratchet can be a whole lot sexy.

**For those of you who haven’t seen it that’s Beyonce’s album cover art and also her ass. If you don’t like the new album be sure to kiss it.**

I’m so into the fact that you’re into me

boring-date

I am convinced that people are so self-indulgent that they will look over the fact that don’t like a person simply because they like the attention they are getting.

I’m confused… Do us 20 somethings who claim to want a healthy relationship really want that?? I’ve met people, male and female who continue to entertain a person’s affections because “He/she is so nice”.  There are a lot of nice people out there, but maybe they are hiding… I enjoy my singledom and I admit that I have at times entertained a person’s company because they were into me for whatever reason, knowing damn well I lost interest at “Good Morning beautiful” text number five.

 I have made a conscious effort not to get caught in my own hype; letting people go when I realize it is not going to work out.  But there are those who stay in a never-ending cycle of flattery while nurturing relationships, be it friendly or romantic, that they know for sure they are not interested in sustaining. Stop being so into people who are into you, if you don’t care to ask important questions like “How was your day?” or “Would I actually care if we never spoke again?”, you will never find a satisfying relationship that is not based on your need for attention.

I completely understand it though, when most of your social life is based on the number of followers, likes, retweets and or “friends” you have, flattery has become ingrained in the us.  The need for acceptance is at an all time high, the need for you to actually accept, not so much. Next time ask yourself: “Am I into them?” or “Am I into the fact that they are into me?”