And If I ever fall In LOVE again

I will be sure to be myself.

I have been in Love twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager and it was the purest form of Love a person can be apart of. It was authentic and true we had our whole lives ahead of us and we grew together in ways that movies only display. I was myself with no hesitation. The second time I was in Love was after in college. I don’t feel like I was myself during this time. I was becoming the person I would ultimately be. I was experimenting with different versions of myself. Looking back now I know that knowing who you are is a key component to being a healthy part of the relationship. I was toxic, to him and myself I did not know how to just be content. I was restless and selfish, as much as I loved him I had not fallen in Love with me.

Being in Love with someone can be an intoxicating experience, so much so that you yearn for the source of your pleasure. You learn to be what that person needs you to be and it is very possible to lose yourself in that feeling. But there is no better feeling than knowing someone is in Love with who you genuinely are, not who they would like you to be. To know that they are in Love with all the flaws and quirks, the scars and curves, and if you never changed they would Love you anyway, but in the same breath encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

Now that I have grown into myself and I understand what works for me and what doesn’t. I know how I interpret and display Love as well being ready to put in the work. If I ever fall in Love again I will be sure to be unapologetically me.

Who the fuck wants to 35 and ALONE???

Hello SKYLA… Now my 5 year plan goes into effect.

A few weeks ago I got an IUD inserted.  For those of you who don’t know, it is a long term form  of birth control that is insert into your uterus, some release a small amount of hormones others don’t.  I decided to try out SKYLA, it releases a small amount of hormones and protects me, and him,  against pregnancy for 3 years.  No daily routines, no worries.  The insertion was very uncomfortable and if you’ve never had  a baby you don’t know what to expect so just be prepared that it will hurt and will be uncomfortable for the first few days, but it’s nothing more than your worst period.

So I went off on tangent a little now back to my 5 year plan.

I want to date get married and start having babies in 5 years.  So I got the IUD that lasts 3 years which should cover the first two steps of my three fold plan.  I am at the point that I don’t want things to linger if they aren’t going anywhere; I would prefer to be alone than waste time.  This even means the relationships that have lasted for a prolonged periods of time.  I feel that it is time to be decisive in these choices.

We are in a time when non commitment is the new relationship and I’m not going to be a part of that.  I want to settle down and have a family and enjoy life. But most of all I want to do it with someone that I enjoy and I wholly Love. So in the next few years I want to do this.  So the answer to the question posed by Aubrey’s mom I don’t want to be 35, single and alone.

Marriage Zone???? There is truth to it but it is still full of Bullshit

Recently one of my close guy friends sent me an article or blog post called “The Marriage Zone”.  The Marriage Zone Theory suggests that women and men come to optimal dating ages  two different age ranges.  While women are more desirable when the are young, men are more desirable as they age.  But there is a small window for women to marry men before the woman has aged too much and the man hasn’t reached his full dating potential.  This what is considered the marriage zone. marriage zone 2The article then suggest that guys should avoid the marriage zone because dating life gets so much better for them if they make it through this rough patch.  But women should try to snag at man at this optimal marrying age, before he realizes his potential, and if they don’t women will be single through their thirties and possibly beyond that.

So my take on the marriage zone is there is some truth to this.  However there are  a few things to consider when thinking about things based on age alone.  Some guys aren’t the player type.  There are guys out there that like to be with one person and enjoy the person they are with.  They are not into games because they don’t see the point.  These are the guys that aspire to the family life early on.  The idea that copious amounts of sex will satisfy every man suggest that men are more simple than I thought.

The idea that age is the key variable in a woman’s ability to attract men is bullshit.  I am pretty sure that any woman who takes care of her body will age well.  I think that life experiences hinder women more than actual age.  Women lose their optimism as they age and with the biological clock ticks (and I truly believe this clock is real), they become a little impatient.  Women who are approaching or in their 30s are not less desirable to men but they have a zero tolerance for games.  However women who are not looking to settle down play as many games as a men in their age group.  They know how to attract men and keep them coming back for more.

So do I think that the Marriage Zone is Bullshit???

YES and NO. I think that after 30 men and women have different goals. But if you get two people together who have the same goals and interests then the age doesn’t factor in as much.  I think that women have to be more patient and open minded with men as we get older and that men need to figure out what they want sooner rather than later.  Who wants to become a dad for the first time after 40 with a 25 year old??? So really this marriage zone thing is where you place it, as long as you are mentally prepared to spend you life with someone  you get married whenever you want. I am very close to 30 at this point and have no plans of settling down anytime soon and I have no problems attracting men of all ages so….

Let Go, Move on, Grow the Hell UP

Every relationship is not supposed to last forever, actually most relationships won’t last forever.  People perpetually try to make it work. If you have to make it work, then it is clearly not working.  I find it crazy that people, especially women, put themselves in these situations where they want to wait around on a person to become who they want them to be. FYI ladies  they should already be that.  I like for people to be who they are, if we grow together it is a beautiful thing and if we grow apart, it’s on to the next. I know people who feel like they invest time in men to only have things fall apart every time.  To them I say don’t hold onto one man so tight, unless of course you’re married.  I would also say it fell apart for reason everyone isn’t going to be the one.  Chase your dreams not a man, and eventually you will find the one for you.

Break ups hurt, but sometimes relationships are  a part of the stepping-stones to the rest of your life.  Why would you want to stunt your growth waiting for someone or something to happen? We all have to grow at our own pace and we can’t fight it by staying in the same situations. We do this because we are always afraid to leave the ONE, but what I know about the ONE is deep down we know when a person is not it. The problem is we are so jaded by the fact that a lot things don’t work out, that we try to make them, and when it falls through it hurts. In the end you have to be open to get hurt and open to Love again. Remember that Love is one of the most amazing feelings and it is OK to try again.  But in the mean time enjoy being you, love yourself more for once and take this opportunity to Let Go, Move on and Grow up.

600 miles is a Large Void to Fill.

I am always in awe of people who can sustain a long distance relationship, for several reasons.  By long distance I mean more than 6 hours away. I think that any trip that is going to take more that 1/2 a days drive to and from needs more planning and preparation.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never had to do it? Maybe, I don’t think that I could? Maybe, I know that I may not be built for that type of situation; although that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t.  So in along distance relationship what does one do when he or she gets lonely and wants someone to keep them company???? I tend to think about these things, because I don’t believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  I’m not sure that in a relationship that didn’t start off as long distance that it would ever work, unless of course there was no temptation what so ever and here is why.

No Bed Checks:  You say you’re going to call it a night, but what you’re really doing is playing music and hanging out with friends, maybe you hit a club. The next morning when asked how your night was you say it was good.  After all it was good, but you didn’t exactly call it a night.

Distance Creates Distance:  Although you Love and care about this person you are not in close enough proximity to truly witness how your actions affect your partner.  Physical distance make it’s easier to create emotional distance between people.  Kinda like how we all know that there are starving children around the world, but seeing how they are not starving in our front yards we don’t exactly feel bad about it. Well we don’t feel bad about it for a prolonged period of time.

You no longer live in a Vin Diagram:  In any relationship you have overlapping circles.  You know who your partners friends are, you know where they hang out and you have things that overlap.   In a long distance relationship your circle completely does it’s own thing.  Your partner doesn’t relate to the things that are taking place in you life on a realistic level.  They don’t have the references needed to know how you met your new friend, at your new favorite bar.  This can make it difficult to maintain relatabilty.  Every city has it’s own thing going on and if you’re not in that city enough you get mentally lost in the shuffle.

Lonely but not alone: According to Wikipedia loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person feels a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationship.  In a long distance relationship it has less to do with the actual emotional relationship and more to do with the physical. Physically being alone sucks; especially when you know that someone would like to be with you, so  in the end you crave the physical closeness that is lacking in the emotional relationship.

These are the four main reasons I don’t think long distance relationships work.  I am not opposed to trying one if I needed to, but I am skeptical about the sustainability.  I think there is a certain amount of physical contact that is needed  to sustain any relationship.  Now this is all just my opinion and seeing how I have never been in one, you can’t exactly take this as law.  However I commend those that somehow make it work.  Those people who lets their Love prevail over all else.

Make sure you know who you’re doing this for

Relationships can be difficult and some of us go through so many things, and sometimes we look back and can’t even figure out why.  Some say Love and others say naivety but whatever the case make sure that you are doing it for you..  At the end of the day and your life you don’t have to live anyone else’s life but your own and staying in an unhappy relationship, and by unhappy I don’t mean an unhappy moment, will do you no good.  If you are staying because you feel indebted to him or her or you think they need you, that is the wrong reason.  In most relationships we form some co-dependence and there is nothing wrong with that.  My point is, if the reason you come up with is more about what you do for them, than what they do for you then you need to think long and hard about who you are doing this for.

The person you  are with should ignite some passion in you about something.  There should be something about this person that you don’t think another person does  better.  With my him I don’t think  there is anyone who will take the time to understand me as completely and just let me be the person that I am not asking me to change any of my ways. The reason will be different for everyone but the reasons should always include how the person adds to  your life.

When you stay with a person because you feel needed in some way and you don’t feel like they bring anything to the table, you’re never going to be happy.  Inevitably you will not able to sustain a healthy relationship because you will be unfulfilled.  I think that when you are unfulfilled in a relationship you tend to look elsewhere for that fulfillment.  In the end you are not doing anyone any favors by doing this as a matter of fact you will be holding you and your partner back.

In life we have to make hard decisions and most of those dilemmas involve how our actions will affect those we Love.  But when you Love someone you want the best for them and if ending a relationship because you are unhappy it’s not exactly selfish. But that’s just my opinion.

Winning Arguments and Hurting Feelings

“Sticks and stones can break bones but words will break a heart.”  -Me

Watch what you say… Words Hurt!

In my relationship I have learned to watch what I say this simply because emotions don’t always bring out the best in me, as a matter of fact, sometimes it brings out the worst. I use to, and still do, get irritated with my man because he takes so long to think about what he is going to say when we are mid argument.  Seriously his life flashed before my eyes because I was 3 seconds from ripping the words out of his mouth.  He always takes his time which makes arguments extremely difficult for me.  I am the type of person who can argue for hours non stop because, well I like to think that in a past life I was some hot shot lawyer, but really because I don’t have to be right I just have to prove that there is a possibility that he is wrong. In doing this I sometimes alienate him, when we should be working on problems together. I would be so focused on winning the argument that I would lose sight of finding a solution.  I have said things in the heat of an argument not because I felt those things overall but I felt that way in the moment.

When he takes his time and is thoughtful and careful I’ve been forced to think about what I am going to say as well as listen to what he’s saying.  He forces me to calm down a little after each point, so that my words are not so explosive and hurtful.  He takes his time to think because he doesn’t want to be misinterpreted and he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings unnecessarily. I don’t always have that kind of forethought. Words hurt and they hurt because we don’t think about what we say.  We don’t consider the lasting affects this may have on our relationships.  Be thoughtful and watch what you say a 2 min argument could leave bruises or even wounds that can take a long time, or that will never heal.