For the most part this has been my motto since I was smart enough to not give a shit about people’s opinions, especially when their opinion pertains to my vagina and what I choose to do with it. I always simultaneously cringe and evil laugh when people insist that every sexual experience you have is a spiritual and emotional mixing of souls. Because my morals are loose and my pussy is always tight there have been some hard learned lessons along the way; the biggest lesson has been about other people’s opinions.
Who I have sex with is my business and it’s best to keep it that way. Unfortunately not everyone will give less fucks than I do, and the thing is, although I don’t have many to give about other peoples opinions. However eventually they will be encountered so I had to learn how to deal with them and not be ashamed or feel belittled.
There is a certain level of freedom that comes with being self realized. I have learned to not hold on to people too tightly, people who genuinely like will do so regardless. True friends will tell YOU when you’re wrong or sloppy, they will not tell everyone else you’re wrong or sloppy. Being able to have friends around is very good and keeps you grounded as well as balanced. You have to be able to be a popular acquaintance and a rare friend, many people will know of you and few will actually know you.
Sex is, to some people, a very intimate experience which is true some of the time. I think that is important to be comfortable with the people you sleep with and comfortable with your decision after. My best friend is not a person who can have detached sex for pleasure and she doesn’t, but that doesn’t make every experience for her a spiritual one. I do not think that she is any less liberated than me I just think that she mentally responds to things differently. There are guys who have these same feelings and I know for a fact women have more sex than guys. Which is part of the reasons guys are so judgmental about body count… Oh yea if someone asks for a body count RUN. It’s very immature to even care about that at this point, we should be more worried about protection and testing frequency.
The double standard is real but people will only treat you how you allow them to. I have run into some sticky situations in group settings but I have never once felt that I am less than anyone or that I had done something wrong. Carrying shame for things you have done that don’t negatively affect people is wrong. Letting people treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable is wrong; demanding that people respect you is not. I have ran into guys I slept with while out with a new guy and I speak and keep moving because I am not easy nor am I doing anything wrong. I am proud to say that I am cordial to majority of the people I’ve dealt with and they respect each other. Being around more than one guy you’ve been with in the same place at the same time is taboo, I don’t really know why but being shameful brings shame.
Test the merchandise. The worst thing you can have is buyers remorse. If you’re not into it leave. I do it for fun even, just get up and leave. Before clothes come off if you’re not into it don’t go through with it. If you straddle him and don’e feel anything through his clothes, TRUST ME get up and leave; unless you’re into that sort of thing.
Do your thing, respect yourself, and demand other people respect you.
I’m just kinda taking whatever life gives me and hoping that I make the right decision. – Amy Smart
Sometimes I think about our baby. How he would look, act, talk. Would he be a spitting image of his Dad. I would want him to be, his Dad is an amazing man. He would be beautiful and smart. Would he be quietly thoughtful like his Dad or outspoken with quick wit like his mom. I think about this sometimes when I think about his father. A very handsome, thoughtful man doing well for himself, any woman’s dream Baby Daddy, but I didn’t want a Baby Daddy. I didn’t want to impose my presence on anyone’s life, as well as, put myself in a vulnerable position. I was not ready for the best or worst outcome. But I think about him.
I think about him in the way that you would think about a dream, like a distant reality that you’re not sure you want to be real. I think about him and what he would have done to us. Would he have made us stronger and closer or would he have made you resent me? Would he be the reminder of a bad decision or an outcome to be celebrated? He would have been loved and we would have adjusted eventually.
I feel that children should come to two people who want a child not into chaos which is where we were at the time. That is my personal preference, no disrespect to single Mothers but I would not choose to be one. I cherish life partnerships over offsprings. It’s nice to have a legacy but I want to share that legacy with someone I would rather be childless, than a single mother; but who knows that could always change.
Now that I am ready to start to settle down I think about these things. I feel that for that time in our lives I made the right decision not only for me but for us. This post is in no way a reflection of me being haunted by a decision; under those circumstances I would make the same decision if it were today. So when I am ready and under circumstances that I deem acceptable, I will have a child. That child will have a life filled with Love and support but I will still think about him, and what kind big brother he would have been.
I will be sure to be myself.
I have been in Love twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager and it was the purest form of Love a person can be apart of. It was authentic and true we had our whole lives ahead of us and we grew together in ways that movies only display. I was myself with no hesitation. The second time I was in Love was after in college. I don’t feel like I was myself during this time. I was becoming the person I would ultimately be. I was experimenting with different versions of myself. Looking back now I know that knowing who you are is a key component to being a healthy part of the relationship. I was toxic, to him and myself I did not know how to just be content. I was restless and selfish, as much as I loved him I had not fallen in Love with me.
Being in Love with someone can be an intoxicating experience, so much so that you yearn for the source of your pleasure. You learn to be what that person needs you to be and it is very possible to lose yourself in that feeling. But there is no better feeling than knowing someone is in Love with who you genuinely are, not who they would like you to be. To know that they are in Love with all the flaws and quirks, the scars and curves, and if you never changed they would Love you anyway, but in the same breath encourages you to be the best version of yourself.
Now that I have grown into myself and I understand what works for me and what doesn’t. I know how I interpret and display Love as well being ready to put in the work. If I ever fall in Love again I will be sure to be unapologetically me.
Hello SKYLA… Now my 5 year plan goes into effect.
A few weeks ago I got an IUD inserted. For those of you who don’t know, it is a long term form of birth control that is insert into your uterus, some release a small amount of hormones others don’t. I decided to try out SKYLA, it releases a small amount of hormones and protects me, and him, against pregnancy for 3 years. No daily routines, no worries. The insertion was very uncomfortable and if you’ve never had a baby you don’t know what to expect so just be prepared that it will hurt and will be uncomfortable for the first few days, but it’s nothing more than your worst period.
So I went off on tangent a little now back to my 5 year plan.
I want to date get married and start having babies in 5 years. So I got the IUD that lasts 3 years which should cover the first two steps of my three fold plan. I am at the point that I don’t want things to linger if they aren’t going anywhere; I would prefer to be alone than waste time. This even means the relationships that have lasted for a prolonged periods of time. I feel that it is time to be decisive in these choices.
We are in a time when non commitment is the new relationship and I’m not going to be a part of that. I want to settle down and have a family and enjoy life. But most of all I want to do it with someone that I enjoy and I wholly Love. So in the next few years I want to do this. So the answer to the question posed by Aubrey’s mom I don’t want to be 35, single and alone.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, at least not on New Years. Many people have asked what my resolution is I didn’t really have one because I usually evaluate my life on my birthday. I don’t believe in the New Year New Me BS, but I know that new year does spark something within all of us but flipping the calendar does not solidify change; it is a gradual process that takes consistency. I always make a goal for myself on my birthday because birthdays literally mark a new year of life so it’s more significant for me.
Ironically my birthday ia almost right in the middle of the year. This year my birthday resolution was to be content being alone and making decisions with men that benefitted me in better ways. I could be alone and be ok or be in a fulfilling relationship. I began to cut ties and make space in my life for something serious and local. Although there have been some missteps, as I said before old habits die hard, I am proud of my progress so far.
For the past few years I have hung with a select group of people. I am moving on these people were cool to show me how to turn up Atlanta style and move around different groups of people. But I don’t feel that they were long term. I didn’t feel like they made me want or a need to be better; they just made me want different things. With the ending of an era comes the beginning of a new one. I feel like the last two years in Atlanta have been a transitioning phase for me. I have become more of who I want to to be in the last 6 months.
The bad habits of the past are hard to break but I am always in process, like the rest of humanity. I am learning from my mistakes and correcting them instead of justifying them. I am being self reliant and resourceful. I am learning to be mine before I am anyone elses. Looking out for myself and learning how to be alone and still, instead of having a constant companion and always on the go. By the March of 2015 I will be completely rid of the people who don’t serve a positive purpose. So by June which is my birthday month I will be on track for my birthday
New Phase better me.
*Contains language that may be a offensive to some.*
So everyone says put it all out there. But what do you do when there is way too much too put out there??? Where time has passed and passed and you have shut your emotions away so much so that you don’t even know how you feel. It seems that I am in this space right now… The space where disappointments have lead me to shut down and not want to even go into a space that could potentially lead to yet another disappointment. But I’m a fighter so I have go after what I want and I suggest you guys do the same, don’t let potential disappointment dictate your future moves. Learn to be selfish and do what is right for you, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Think about your future and don’t get stuck on your past. That shit is in that a past and the last time I checked it tends to stay there. Wear your heart on your sleeve, dramas and all. When that shit fails and you fall on you motherfucking face into a pile of mixed up emotional vomit, I suggest you pick your ass up, pull your self together put your heart back on your motherfucking sleeve, and keep going. At the end of the day emotions are a part of life and if you cant deal with your emotions then you should probably unplug your computer, turn of your cell phone and come join us in the real fucking world, because shit is real out here. I know that’s easier said than done. I know that it could potentially land some of us in jail for a night but, YOLO my readers, lol.
As an anonymous blogger I hope to convey a portrait of myself that is not based anything other than my honest opinion and life experiences. I share some things but I decided that maybe it’s time to let my readers, old and new, to know some new things about me. I haven’t’ done this in a while so I figured why the hell not.
I don’t like to wear pants at home- I live alone with my dog so the first thing that comes off when I get home are my pants. I usually don’t have visitors, when a person knocks on my door I’m always hiding my naked bottom half behind the door. So thank you Chinese food delivery guy who knows the deal and never seems to judge me when I have to shut the door in your face to retrieve my wallet.
I LOVE MY DOG- I love my dog. Because I don’t have children and have very little family near me, Teddy has become an even bigger part of my life. Teddy gives me a reason to go home and want to be there. I even made a blog about her. www.teddysdamnblog.wordpress.com It’s brand new but follow if you want.
I’m not big on getting head- I enjoy getting great head, however I prefer a good stroke. I get more satisfaction from intercourse. Every few years there is a study, usually done by a man, that claims to disprove the existence of the G-Spot. Well as a woman who has one and have conducted my own experiment numerous times, I can definitively and confidently say the G-spot exist, is real, and is a gift from God him/herself.
I don’t keep a Dick count- At my age I’m clearly not a virgin and my philosophy is “Do what/who you want but be safe.” I think that keeping a count is somewhat demeaning not just for me but for for people in general, what does it matter how many people a person has has sex with? To me the most important thing is how they treat you and how they feel about themselves. Besides no matter what number you tell people, they will think what they want about you.
I Believe in Soul Mates I don’t think you always end up with them– Sometimes friendship is more important than physical intimacy and for me, when I meet someone who I feel is great friend I don’t want to mess that up. Friendship is not based on anything but someone’s general willingness to care and put up with your BS for not clear reason at all. Real friends like you for exactly who you are. Some people are fortunate enough to spend their lives with their best friend in marriage or platonic friendship.