Love is not in the air… I don’t want a boyfriend

 014a71524333b2e3da7ccadfa7a9d6eb

So I am stepping away from my very new relationship because I don’t want to be in a relationship.  I have so much going on in my life that I don’t have the energy let or bandwidth to cater to another person and their whims.  I really wanted it to work and maybe it will come back around but the timing isn’t right for me.  My Nigerian honey bun is utterly confused because I didn’t want to casually date I wanted a relationship and on the day that is supposed to be filled with Love was like”or nah”.  I liked him but it wasn’t working for me so that brings me to this rant.  Don’t ask for things you’re not sure you want.

Women are taught to be consistent and that you demand certain things to get the outcome you want.  Well do you know what you want that outcome to be?  I am one of those people who truly believe titles make things easier and that strange gray area that we tend to stay in for too long is no fun.  In this case I should have stayed in that gray area.  I demanded a title I got one and then I panicked.  I panicked because his expectations of me went for being a movie and company to dinners and errands.  I expected to be able to share my world with him and he didn’t have time to be a part of it.  I think we will remain friends but a relationship was not in our best interest.  I didn’t really know what I wanted so I tried to play by the book this time and I think I need to continue to write it as I go. While my feelings for him have not changed, my feelings about our status did.

Don’t ask for what you’re not sure you wan,t if its working go with it, don’t change it because it logically makes sense.  Sharing your life with someone tends to defy logic

Advertisements

Who the fuck wants to 35 and ALONE???

Hello SKYLA… Now my 5 year plan goes into effect.

A few weeks ago I got an IUD inserted.  For those of you who don’t know, it is a long term form  of birth control that is insert into your uterus, some release a small amount of hormones others don’t.  I decided to try out SKYLA, it releases a small amount of hormones and protects me, and him,  against pregnancy for 3 years.  No daily routines, no worries.  The insertion was very uncomfortable and if you’ve never had  a baby you don’t know what to expect so just be prepared that it will hurt and will be uncomfortable for the first few days, but it’s nothing more than your worst period.

So I went off on tangent a little now back to my 5 year plan.

I want to date get married and start having babies in 5 years.  So I got the IUD that lasts 3 years which should cover the first two steps of my three fold plan.  I am at the point that I don’t want things to linger if they aren’t going anywhere; I would prefer to be alone than waste time.  This even means the relationships that have lasted for a prolonged periods of time.  I feel that it is time to be decisive in these choices.

We are in a time when non commitment is the new relationship and I’m not going to be a part of that.  I want to settle down and have a family and enjoy life. But most of all I want to do it with someone that I enjoy and I wholly Love. So in the next few years I want to do this.  So the answer to the question posed by Aubrey’s mom I don’t want to be 35, single and alone.

Homie, Lover, Friend: Loving him

This is an Ode to the person I have always felt my best self around, he calls me on my bullshit and I listen to him; he is one of my favorite people.  I Love you to pieces and if we were never together again I would be happy to revel in your happiness because that is what I want most for you.  To be joyful and live the fullest life possible, because the way that I Love you is more than romantic. It is intimate and unique and it makes us friends.  I often say that friendship is one of the most sacred relationships to have and if you can be friends with someone the possibilities of that relationship are endless.  You are my friend and one I hold in my heart and would give a piece of my soul.  I Love you in ways that I have never been able to explain because it is a Love that has more interest in your happiness than your romantic companionship.  It is a Love that does not beg to be by your side because that may not be my place in your life.  It is a free Love that somehow makes my heart smile at you and for you.  My Love for you is not interested in reciprocation, it has existed regardless of how you feel about me because it is pure and true.

You are the perfect a ending to a great book and you are my prototype. Although being that  I do not hold you selfishly close to me because my Love for you is not selfish.  It will not allow me to selfishly chase you because it respects your choices and  trusts your heart. It is in this that I recognize that we may never be more that we are right now and that is my friend.

I’m Jealous??? Tales of a Love triangle and the mixed emotions it brings.

I have been involved in a lasting Love triangle, which recently I may have turned into a square (a lot less complicated than it sounds).  Why do I insist on making my life more complicated than  it should ever be?  I have created a tangled web of emotional and physical ties and I may be losing my cool after all.

So it all began when my guy, Dee and I were on the outs but we weren’t officially dating yet. With Dee’s permission I started to entertain Waju’s,  affections.  You see I didn’t necessarily click with Waju because I never gave him a fair chance, but we had a good time for what it was and when Dee came to his senses, I dropped him and went back to Dee….

Fast forward 6 months and while I don’t talk to Waju outside of our social circle or in a group setting when we are around each other the energy is there.  The attraction never went away and mix that with copious amounts of alcohol and you have a love triangle gone awry.  Waju tends to bring the flavor of the week around and I usually roll with it, because as I said they are the flavor of the week, but sometimes there is this tinge of jealousy.  Why can’t I have them all??? Dee lets me do me, which is great because it takes a special man to understand that need and I try very hard to be respectful.

So enter the RN from the East Coast.  She seemed nice I couldn’t dislike her, but she is looking for a husband and I can always tell the ones looking for a husband.  They shop at Macy’s and wear church dresses to the club, their heels are always 2 inches too low, and nail polish is always chipped.  I am not being judgy,  I really liked her, but they all dress the same, but usually have potential.   What I didn’t like was Waju’s hand on her knee, they way he leaned into her when she spoke to him, or his incessant need to remind me that it she wasn’t like the other girls; she was smart, educated and had her own money.  I had to admit she was a good pick, and competition.  But in order of her to be competition I would have to measure myself next to her.  We would have to have the same end goal and we don’t.  So I confused myself. It was jealousy.

When we got home Dee called me out on my jealousy and he said he thought it was cute.   He’s never seen me feel the way, that the woman who is never fazed or intimidated, was served what I usually dish out. Honestly I didn’t know that being jealous of another women over a guy was something I was capable of.

SELF ESTEEM: Why would you need inequality when you can hold yourself back?

Low self-esteem like most unpleasant things is a bitch.  You can’t Love someone into Loving themselves… I was recently in a relationship with a person who seemed like he had it together, but under the surfaced he was a wreck.  He never felt good enough for me. So much so that when his more successful friends showed interest in me he would tell me to weigh my options.  Now I am not in the business of stroking the egos of grown ass men but I really liked him and I would for the most part ignore the advances.

I often tried to make him feel good by making sure I wanted to do things in his budget or would simply just pay for things and not asking him for anything more than time and company.  What I learned as our relationship progressed is that no matter what I did that he was always insecure of where he was in life.  I mean I understood some things like not really having your own place at 40 years old but he had a great heart and treated me as well or better than any other man I dated.  But his insecurities caused a rift between us because he didn’t like to share because of them.  I am an open book so the fact that he couldn’t share things out of shame really hurt us.  I am not judgmental nor do I demand the finer things in life.  I grew up in the struggle and my life until recently was one.So the fact that he was ashamed of things really baffled me.

One day when we had both had very hard days at work, being beat down by the man. I realized that nothing I could do would make him feel better and there were several things that made me come to this conclusion.  The fact that he wasn’t willing to compete with seemingly more successful people for me and actually encouraged me to consider them was disheartening for me. If you don’t think you’re good enough why should I?  I also noticed that while I was complaining about the perils of corporate life he would kind of shut down and look dazed.  Other days he would not share anything about his day or the life.  He was the type of person who felt a strong since of entitlement to nice things but realized at some point he had not attained the level of success associated with these things.  He was not living the life felt he deserved and therefore I could not like/love him the way he was, where he was, as I tried so hard to do.

But you can’t Love someone into loving themselves.  Happiness starts with you and as long as you are unhappy nothing will feel right or satisfying.  I think that first and for most you have to be honest with yourself, then you can be honest with other people; honesty is the beginning to making yourself happy. Liking yourself simply comes from accepting yourself, flaws and all.  If you accept things for what they are you can learn to be comfortable with them.   You have to be willing to let someone meet you where you are even if that is not where you want to be. Be great by yourself, love yourself and allow others to do the same no matter what.

NOT Being Mary Jane… Another show that makes being crazy, desperate and unreasonable OK.

Mary-Jane

So I finally marathon watched Being Mary Jane with Gabrielle Union on BET.  I watched it this way because I wasn’t that interested and so I needed to do it over the course of 2 days and I am not a Gabby Union fan.  This show highlighted a lot of stereotypes that apparently are a lot women’s realities because after the show some woman comes on through web cam and professes that she is Mary Jane as if it were an AA meeting. I am all for women’s empowerment and solidarity but I don’t think I have become desperate or crazy enough to identify with this character.  I feel the same way about Olivia Pope but Scandal is good for other reasons and Kerry Washington is freaking flawless in that show. I digress…

I am not Mary Jane and here is why… But I am still trying to figure out why anyone would admit that they are.

Mary Jane seems to not realize consequences of her actions until she is knee deep in a pile of her own shit that she created.  The bad things that happened were a direct result of her actions.  Don’t get me wrong I am not a saint and my foresight is not always that great but at the end of the day it doesn’t take tons of drama for me to acknowledge that I fucked up; including but not limited to wrecking a marriage and the suicide of a “friend”.

Mary Jane is ambitious with no goals.  Her life choices outside of her career are counter productive to what she says she wants.  Mary Jane sleeps with a married man, lets him move in with her after he leaves his wife and then dumps him for being married.  She is confused and self destructive.  She then stalks her ex, who has moved on and tells him that she wants him back.  But he then points out that she dumped him during his come up because it wasn’t happening fast enough for her.  So pretty much Mary Jane left him during his struggle and wants to reap the benefits of it. If your goal is to be married and have a family you have to take the necessary steps to make that happen.  I know that every man I get with is not going to be where I am or where I want him to be but if he is worth the trouble I think sticking around is how true Love works.  You don’t bail on the people you Love because they aren’t progressing at your pace.  The grind can be a long slow process. Most of all you can’t wait for an ex to become a millionaire and want him back,  that’s not fair or cool.

She has crazy ass female friends.  Honestly I have been known to say that I would go to jail for a night for my friends.  One night is my limit but I am a ride or die friend.  Your friends have to call you out on your crazy but that should not be pillars of crazy holding you up as the queen of crazy.  The show started with her friend trying to commit suicide, then that very same friend tells a guy that Mary Jane stole his sperm.  (*record scratches*…Yes Mary Jane stole a man’s sperm).  Then after it was all said and done the suicidal snitch friend, who is a gynecologist by the way, agrees to help her inseminate herself with this mans stolen sperm on the kitchen floor with a turkey baster.  Mary Jane’s other friend talks her in to going to the wife of the the man she had an affair with to apologize for her behavior.  I guess there was supposed to be nobility in this but in and earlier episode Mary Jane is speaking at a luncheon and throws and enormous amount of shade at this women during her speech.  I just don’t see how this is going to end well, and as a person who has been cheated on the mistresses apology was neither here nor there because she did not take responsibility for my feeling by being in a relationship with me. I guess I am lucky to have friends that would tell me to have a thousand fucking seats before they assisted me in any of the aforementioned bullshit.

So in No way do I feel I am Mary Jane and maybe my level of career success has not surpassed my level of personal happiness enough just yet.

Marriage Zone???? There is truth to it but it is still full of Bullshit

Recently one of my close guy friends sent me an article or blog post called “The Marriage Zone”.  The Marriage Zone Theory suggests that women and men come to optimal dating ages  two different age ranges.  While women are more desirable when the are young, men are more desirable as they age.  But there is a small window for women to marry men before the woman has aged too much and the man hasn’t reached his full dating potential.  This what is considered the marriage zone. marriage zone 2The article then suggest that guys should avoid the marriage zone because dating life gets so much better for them if they make it through this rough patch.  But women should try to snag at man at this optimal marrying age, before he realizes his potential, and if they don’t women will be single through their thirties and possibly beyond that.

So my take on the marriage zone is there is some truth to this.  However there are  a few things to consider when thinking about things based on age alone.  Some guys aren’t the player type.  There are guys out there that like to be with one person and enjoy the person they are with.  They are not into games because they don’t see the point.  These are the guys that aspire to the family life early on.  The idea that copious amounts of sex will satisfy every man suggest that men are more simple than I thought.

The idea that age is the key variable in a woman’s ability to attract men is bullshit.  I am pretty sure that any woman who takes care of her body will age well.  I think that life experiences hinder women more than actual age.  Women lose their optimism as they age and with the biological clock ticks (and I truly believe this clock is real), they become a little impatient.  Women who are approaching or in their 30s are not less desirable to men but they have a zero tolerance for games.  However women who are not looking to settle down play as many games as a men in their age group.  They know how to attract men and keep them coming back for more.

So do I think that the Marriage Zone is Bullshit???

YES and NO. I think that after 30 men and women have different goals. But if you get two people together who have the same goals and interests then the age doesn’t factor in as much.  I think that women have to be more patient and open minded with men as we get older and that men need to figure out what they want sooner rather than later.  Who wants to become a dad for the first time after 40 with a 25 year old??? So really this marriage zone thing is where you place it, as long as you are mentally prepared to spend you life with someone  you get married whenever you want. I am very close to 30 at this point and have no plans of settling down anytime soon and I have no problems attracting men of all ages so….