Thoughts of the son we could have had.

I’m just kinda taking whatever life gives me and hoping that I make the right decision. – Amy Smart

Sometimes I think about our baby.   How he would look, act, talk. Would he be a spitting image of his Dad.  I would want him to be, his Dad is an amazing man.   He would be beautiful and smart. Would he be quietly thoughtful like his Dad or outspoken with quick wit like his mom. I think  about this sometimes when I think about his father. A very handsome, thoughtful man doing well for himself, any woman’s dream Baby Daddy, but I didn’t want a Baby Daddy. I didn’t want to impose my presence on anyone’s life, as well as, put myself in a vulnerable position. I was not ready for the best or worst outcome. But I think about him.

I think about him in the way that you would think about a dream, like a distant reality that you’re not sure you want to be real.  I think about him and what he would have done to us.  Would he have made us stronger and closer or would he have made you resent me? Would he be the reminder of a bad decision or an outcome to be celebrated? He would have been loved and we would have adjusted eventually.

I feel that children should come to two people who want a child not into chaos which is where we were at the time. That is my personal preference, no disrespect to single Mothers but I would not choose to be one.  I cherish life partnerships over offsprings. It’s nice to have a legacy but I want to share that legacy with someone I would rather be childless, than a single mother; but who knows that could always change.

Now that I am ready to start to settle down I think about these things.  I feel that for that time in our lives I made the right decision not only for me but for us. This post is in no way a reflection of me being haunted by a decision; under those circumstances I would make the same decision if it were today.    So when I am ready and under circumstances that I deem acceptable, I will have a child. That child will have a life filled with Love and support but I will still think about him, and what kind big brother he would have been.

Who the fuck wants to 35 and ALONE???

Hello SKYLA… Now my 5 year plan goes into effect.

A few weeks ago I got an IUD inserted.  For those of you who don’t know, it is a long term form  of birth control that is insert into your uterus, some release a small amount of hormones others don’t.  I decided to try out SKYLA, it releases a small amount of hormones and protects me, and him,  against pregnancy for 3 years.  No daily routines, no worries.  The insertion was very uncomfortable and if you’ve never had  a baby you don’t know what to expect so just be prepared that it will hurt and will be uncomfortable for the first few days, but it’s nothing more than your worst period.

So I went off on tangent a little now back to my 5 year plan.

I want to date get married and start having babies in 5 years.  So I got the IUD that lasts 3 years which should cover the first two steps of my three fold plan.  I am at the point that I don’t want things to linger if they aren’t going anywhere; I would prefer to be alone than waste time.  This even means the relationships that have lasted for a prolonged periods of time.  I feel that it is time to be decisive in these choices.

We are in a time when non commitment is the new relationship and I’m not going to be a part of that.  I want to settle down and have a family and enjoy life. But most of all I want to do it with someone that I enjoy and I wholly Love. So in the next few years I want to do this.  So the answer to the question posed by Aubrey’s mom I don’t want to be 35, single and alone.

Ending up on Maury is Easier Than You Think

TV Maury Povich

****Disclaimer: Always practice Safe Sex.  Nobody will protect you better than you****

When you have 3 amazing sex partners that you vibe with, trust, and don’t have easy access to, the rules of overlap go out the window because you don’t know when you will get the opportunity to have some for the best sex of your life. Sex the way God himself intended it to be. This is a post about how my carefree reckless almost ended in  a classic Maury episode.

There are 3 men well maybe 4 now I have on again off again, complicated by distance, and simple realities relationships with.  Although I could possibly be with any of these men in a healthy meaningful relationship for one reason or another I enjoy a safe emotional distance and physical distance from all of them.

The biggest reason for the aforementioned dysfunctional relations is distance non of them live in my city.  I live in Atlanta but finding a person you want to entertain let alone have sex with here, is like seeing an invisible unicorn. So with that being said when I get to experience the familiar I take full advantage of the occasion.

Week 1: Best Lover/Friend

OMG he is at the airport getting a car to my place.  “Surprise I wanted to see you and you said you weren’t doing shit this weekend.”  Of course I oblige this is the man who told me to get the hell out of my old city and try something new.  The guy who saw my potential and continues to.  We talk about everything and spend hours on the phone once every other week. So two bottles of wine, one very stimulating conversation later he says the condom broke…. “Why would you buy Durex you remember what happened last year?” I ask in a panic “That’s what they had in the airport.”  We both laugh and don’t really think twice about it.

Week 2.5:  Possible Love of my life/Possible future Fiance

He makes a planned well in advance visit to see me for the weekend.  This man could has the most potential to be my future husband and he is actually open to the idea.  We haven’t used condoms in years.  The sex was great and the Morning After Pill was bought.  However I am not sure if I took that pill fast enough or if it would even matter because of the week before.

Week 3: Never going away college fling

This man has been dicking me down longer than the other two and we have always been at each other’s beck and call. So when he invites me on a business trip I go; like I have any other time I was available to do so. I pack a bag, catch the flight and have an amazing time wherever we end up.  We always use condoms since there was that whole chlamydia thing in college; we learned our lessons so no worries, we don’t take those chances.  But somehow in the middle of all the passion, fun, dancing and vodka somehow we ran out of condoms. First of all, we both brought condoms so how is this possible???? Second, when they say alcohol lowers your inhibitions, please believe them.  As we continued our weekend together we choose to employ the pull out method; which by the the way is very effective when done correctly. But this is a true gamble for me given my recent sexcapades. But the sex was just A-MAZ-ING.

Two weeks and one ovulation later I am 2 days late… No biggie Plan B does that.

Three and four days late was a breeze life carried on a usual.

By day seven I was worried. In my naivety I had questioned all the women looking for their babies fathers on Maury. You should always know, or at least I thought… My life and my very own Maury episode was on repeat in my daydreams and nightmares,  I could only imagine trying to explain this to anyone; after all I am not seeing anyone seriously and now I have 3 possible baby daddies. My future Love of my life and 2 non committal dysfunctional on again off agains.  I couldn’t be pregnant by any of these men, a baby is not in my life plan and my mom told me to slow down a long time ago.  I finally took a test and it was negative. I wish that were a sign but I don’t feel any normal symptoms of a cycle. I make an appointment at the OBGYN.  I need answers.

On the 10th day a sigh of relief my Aunt Flow decided to finally make a visit.  I was so happy to have a cycle I didn’t want to put in a tampon… but I did.  Now this doesn’t void out the doctor I need different type of test results.

Plan B… Hopefully you take it in time.

                                                        

Plan B has been in the news recently.  For those of you who don’t know what Plan B is, it is exactly what it says and when we didn’t exactly have a plan to begin with it is Plan A. Plan B is a an emergency contraception to be used within 72 hours after unprotected sex. Plan B can only prevent pregnancy, it can not terminate a pregnancy. It is intended for use in women over 17 but can be used by girls as young as 11 safely. Anyone aged 17 or older can purchase it at any pharmacy, local planned parenthood or health department.

The new news about Plan B is that it was going to be made available on drugstore shelves next to the condoms, lube, and all the other things people tend to awkwardly walk away from when they feel other people in the aisle, like pregnancy test and yeast infection cream.  Continue reading “Plan B… Hopefully you take it in time.”

Aye, Send me a Pic

So someone asked you to send a pic… Are you going to send it? What kind of pic do you send? How well do you know this person.  I still remember the day I found nudes from a co-worker in a boyfriends phone; I almost threw his phone out of the window while doing 80 on the highway.I’m typically not one to send or ask for pics because I want to be in control of who sees me and when;  I don’t want my pics indiscriminately shown to the world. I can just hear my Mom if she ever found out; I may be an adult but sometimes she forgets that. Now that probably means that the pic was not just a head shot. Maybe I was busting it wide open and my face or tats were visible, I don’t know.

I think sending pics is perfectly fine if you are not paranoid like me and you are comfortable with the fact that once it leaves your phone you have no control of the image what so ever.  Don’t get me wrong there are smart ways to send pics here are some tips.

  1. If there’s nudity don’t show your face or any other identifying marks.  Cover your tats, scars, birthmarks, etc.
  2. Take as many pics as you want you don’t have to send them all, but if you’re going to send it pic it better well be the best damn pic you can take.
  3. Make sure your background is acceptable for viewing There is nothing worst than someone having a fucked up background in what supposed to be a sexy pic. Hide ya kids, trash, dirty laundry, dirty dishes, dog, cats and whatever else might distract the recipient or your pic.
  4. Be smart don’t willy nilly send pics to every person in your contacts.
  5. Double check the recipient.  Don’t accidentally send your pierced clit to Dad instead of Dan.
  6. Last but definitely not least make be sure the person wants to see you naked.  I don’t like dick in my phone, well not all dicks.