NOT Being Mary Jane… Another show that makes being crazy, desperate and unreasonable OK.

Mary-Jane

So I finally marathon watched Being Mary Jane with Gabrielle Union on BET.  I watched it this way because I wasn’t that interested and so I needed to do it over the course of 2 days and I am not a Gabby Union fan.  This show highlighted a lot of stereotypes that apparently are a lot women’s realities because after the show some woman comes on through web cam and professes that she is Mary Jane as if it were an AA meeting. I am all for women’s empowerment and solidarity but I don’t think I have become desperate or crazy enough to identify with this character.  I feel the same way about Olivia Pope but Scandal is good for other reasons and Kerry Washington is freaking flawless in that show. I digress…

I am not Mary Jane and here is why… But I am still trying to figure out why anyone would admit that they are.

Mary Jane seems to not realize consequences of her actions until she is knee deep in a pile of her own shit that she created.  The bad things that happened were a direct result of her actions.  Don’t get me wrong I am not a saint and my foresight is not always that great but at the end of the day it doesn’t take tons of drama for me to acknowledge that I fucked up; including but not limited to wrecking a marriage and the suicide of a “friend”.

Mary Jane is ambitious with no goals.  Her life choices outside of her career are counter productive to what she says she wants.  Mary Jane sleeps with a married man, lets him move in with her after he leaves his wife and then dumps him for being married.  She is confused and self destructive.  She then stalks her ex, who has moved on and tells him that she wants him back.  But he then points out that she dumped him during his come up because it wasn’t happening fast enough for her.  So pretty much Mary Jane left him during his struggle and wants to reap the benefits of it. If your goal is to be married and have a family you have to take the necessary steps to make that happen.  I know that every man I get with is not going to be where I am or where I want him to be but if he is worth the trouble I think sticking around is how true Love works.  You don’t bail on the people you Love because they aren’t progressing at your pace.  The grind can be a long slow process. Most of all you can’t wait for an ex to become a millionaire and want him back,  that’s not fair or cool.

She has crazy ass female friends.  Honestly I have been known to say that I would go to jail for a night for my friends.  One night is my limit but I am a ride or die friend.  Your friends have to call you out on your crazy but that should not be pillars of crazy holding you up as the queen of crazy.  The show started with her friend trying to commit suicide, then that very same friend tells a guy that Mary Jane stole his sperm.  (*record scratches*…Yes Mary Jane stole a man’s sperm).  Then after it was all said and done the suicidal snitch friend, who is a gynecologist by the way, agrees to help her inseminate herself with this mans stolen sperm on the kitchen floor with a turkey baster.  Mary Jane’s other friend talks her in to going to the wife of the the man she had an affair with to apologize for her behavior.  I guess there was supposed to be nobility in this but in and earlier episode Mary Jane is speaking at a luncheon and throws and enormous amount of shade at this women during her speech.  I just don’t see how this is going to end well, and as a person who has been cheated on the mistresses apology was neither here nor there because she did not take responsibility for my feeling by being in a relationship with me. I guess I am lucky to have friends that would tell me to have a thousand fucking seats before they assisted me in any of the aforementioned bullshit.

So in No way do I feel I am Mary Jane and maybe my level of career success has not surpassed my level of personal happiness enough just yet.

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My Table is Full so What Are You Bringing???

Young Professional.  I am beginning to hate what that means in this city.  Being from the Midwest and being a new resident of Atlanta it is causing me to reevaluate a lot of things or just make different more concise observations when it comes to dating.  Atlanta is the official City of Thirst in my mind. This city is driven by class, the illusion of wealth and earning potential. Women are trying to catch men and they have no idea how to go about it.  Looks only get you so far and in a city of attractive successful women it can barely get you noticed.

I have a friend, and I use this term very loosely, who wants has these ridiculous expectations and guidelines and maybe because I don’t really have any, I don’t understand.  I think that you should give a fair shot to anyone you are attracted to as long as they have  a legitimate job and don’t ask you to spend your money. I am this way because as an independent woman I don’t think his financial status should have anything to do with me. Another thing that bothers me about her ridiculous expectations is that she is more concerned with looks and job title rather than personality and values.  She wants a white collar black man, who is seemingly doing better than her financially, has 2 degrees,  owns or can own a home, is at least 6’0 and light skinned.  I laughed harder than you will ever understand when she said this because why does he need to be 6’0 when you are 5’4 and 5’10 in your highest platforms..  As our conversation went on I asked her what did she have to offer?  She went on to give me her stats, the thing about it was that they are the same as every other single black women I know.

I completely understand having standards but I truly believe that you have to be open to possibilities in unlikely places.  I don’t think that you have to take every endeavor seriously but getting to know someone a little regardless of your prejudgments can open you up to people and experiences that you very well miss out on otherwise.  I also think that my life experiences have put me around so many different types of people that I tend to a not have too many preconceived notions. My approach is more show me who you rather than believing that I already know. I also like to give people the opportunity to surprise me.

So with all that being said I feel that as women, especially young black professional women, we have to stop seeming so thirsty.  You are not the standard but you should become one. By that I mean in “The City of Thirst”  don’t be like everyone else chasing what happens.  Challenge yourself to be different, confident and independent; not pretending to be while waiting to be saved. Learn that in order to compliment a man you have to compliment yourself.  Have depth, your opinions should be about more than the latest fashion trend  and reality show.  However know that your opinions are only as valuable to other people’s as their opinions are to you. And above all else before you even try to give your all to someone else, give it to yourself first.  Real men can pick the lioness from the sheep.

 

Transporter Update: The Result of “The Talk”

A few weeks back I wrote this post. For those of you who didn’t read it it was about a guy I am involved with and how I felt like a side chick but there was no evidence of being one. So a few things have transpired since I wrote that.  I found out that he is older than I initially thought, making him 13 years my senior not the 8 years I originally believed. Honestly it didn’t bother me.  His age did not affect who he is it adds to somethings but I’m not 21 anymore and haven’t been for a long time.  He has been married and divorced; but he has no children.

Well We had the talk and it made me question what I am looking for. I am comfortable with my relationship with him but I think a title gives you security.  It defines obligations and sets boundaries, but the thing about title is it also creates expectations.  While we are in the nameless shapeless gray area we are responsible for our expectations.  This meaning we are not obligated to each others expectations.  It does not mean that they don’t exist simply means  we are not held accountable for disappointments.   I know that is a cop out, but I felt that at the time I didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s feelings or anything else for that matter; and what guy wouldn’t want the perks of a relationship without the burden of the obligation.

I guess the more I evaluated this arrangement the more I felt it was becoming a a little silly.  While we are responsible for our own feelings that does not exempt us from guilt.  When you begin to feel guilty for disappointment or missteps, you have to move into another phase in the relationship.  I think that is imperative to understand that no matter how hard we try or how distant we try to be when you begin to feel guilt and you begin to miss someone then you have fallen and we are at that point.  The feeling of being a side chick was me rationalizing the emotional distance  I was beginning to feel.

A few things came up in our talk.

My independence and Ambitions

He said that he feels like he only adds companionship to my life because I don’t need him for anything else and while he very much likes that I am that way, he struggles to find where he would fit other than where he already has.  Is independence threatening for a man?  While I was beginning to consider it a strength, I can understand how it can be daunting to add something to a person who seemingly has everything handled. So how do I balance my ambitions and goals with my personal life?  As a man what would be his role?

Past relationships

We both have ties to exes and that is hard to balance when bringing in someone new to the picture.  It is safe to say that these things may or may not have completely ended.

The future

If we were to embark on a relationship what would that mean for us?  Our age difference makes it difficult to determine if we are dating for marriage or for kicks.  The fact that he has been married in the past puts certain pressure on him to decide if he would want to do that again and me staring down 30 puts me on the fast track to children if that’s what we wanted to do together.  I know that the age thing may seem like nothing to some and and everything to others.

What I truly want

He posed a question that made me hesitate.  “Do you want a relationship or do you want a relationship with me?”  I had to think on that. I felt that sometimes that can be a valid question.  Some people just want relationships.  I wanted a relationship with him.  It wasn’t a question of do I just want a relationship.  The question has been do I like this person enough to just be with him.  I felt that it was him; it wasn’t driven my loneliness or some lack of control that I began to feel.

I never thought the “The Talk” would become a deep debate about life , I just thought that either he was into me or he wasn’t.  I am black and white on things like that but there are so many gray areas to consider I backed off.  So the conclusion I came to is that we should just give each other some space.  I think that I was given a lot of things to consider and down the line if it happens I would be happy to have him around.

I might be the side chick… But I’m too content to find out.

I’m at a strange place where I enjoy my singledom but I also want someone to share my experiences and have sex with on regular basis.  I like the fact that I can come home and not be bothered but call on someone when I want company.  So with my current endeavor whom my friends call the “Transporter” it has worked because it seemed as if we were looking for the same type of thing.  Companionship without expectation and loyalty without commitment.  However I am getting the sense that he is involved with some one a far deeper level than what we have.  We have been doing this thing for 5 months and while it has been a good experience some of his actions have made me begin to question some things.  Of course over 5 months our relationship has evolved into a little bit more than what we bargained for.  It’s definitely more than dating and when I ask him about it he blushes “I like you but you scare me a little”.   “The Transporter” is a cool calm collected man.  He is like the cross between two of my favorite men.  It’s like the perfect combination.

 Our rules state that there shall be no questions that evoke an emotional response.  But I realize that this emotional distance that we have tried to create can’t last and the fact that I sense there is someone closer to him than me bothers me because I am not the side chick type, be it emotional or physical.  However I absolutely Love we have at this moment but my pride… It eats me; the thought of being a side chick.  The thought of asking someone to choose me is not in my life plan for two reasons.  The first being that I”m awesome and have numerous options available to me and the second being my Mama taught me better that.

Stay tuned this is not the end of this story.  As of now I’m at a lost so as I figure it out I will share with you guys.

Simple tricks to avoid the Dick

I am very pro sex. I don’t attach my emotions to every sexual encounter and I typically do with my vagina and other privater parts as I please. However there is a part of the female community that likes to withhold sex until they feel the person they are with is worth the effort, and after a few less than stellar encounters I completely understand why.  I have been trying to figure out what I can add this conversation and this is what I came up with.  So if you find yourself trying to hold out this one is for you.  If you can think of more please add them to the comment section.

1. GO OUT:  It does not have  to be some extravagant over the top activity every time.  It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge.  If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.

2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build.  I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.

3. Terrible Panties:  The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own.  Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs.   Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.

4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex.  OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???”  I say hold up.  I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.

5. Don’t focus on his sexy:  There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy,  I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.

I am Sex Positive

I am sex positive. I do not acknowledge or bare the shame that has been associated with my sex.  I do not feel the pressure to repress any state of my being. I go after what I want, no matter what looks are given to me.  I am sex positive because as  a child I was called “fast” and “boy crazy”. I was lead to believe that there was something wrong with my sexuality, that it was a woman’s secret and a man’s right.  I am sex positive because my ancestors were seen as and labeled hyper sexual as a way to excuse inhumane treatment; as a way to bare the shame of another cultures lust.  I feel that I have the right to express myself and my sex in whichever way I see fit. I do not believe in the slut and the walk of shame simply means that my night was better than yours.  I do not acknowledge those who see me as loose, because while my “morals” may be dissolute, my vagina is resilient.  I am sex positive because double standards are bullshit and I never divide my number by 2 and subtract 3. I am sex positive because you don’t have to be video vixen, stripper or groupie/jump-off to be sexual. There is nothing wrong with my sex. I am sex positive because bad girls have more fun, because there are so many things that you experience when you give less fucks about people’s opinions.  I am sex positive because I trust myself and I know myself enough to know that sex is only one small part of who I am; it does not mold me into something or someone that I am not. I am sex positive because the women’s movement happened, because I live in a country where being sexy is great, but a women having lots of sex is not.  Where we simultaneously frown on the veil and nudity.  Where the dichotomy of acceptable and unacceptable is fluid but is always more strict on women.   I am sex positive because above all else I am a women and not just a women, a black women who is sexy and smart enough to not be bound by the constraints placed on her sex.

5 ways to tell if she’s interested?

1.  She responds to your initial contact if she doesn’t contact you first

How many times have you texted the woman you met the night before and she didn’t respond (if she gave you the right number).  The good thing is if she gave you her number she was initially interested.  The bad thing is if she doesn’t respond to initial contact she probably changed her mind.

2. She makes physical contact

So you guys are not in a formal relationship.  You are just in the initial stages of getting to know one another.  If she likes you she will make subtle physical contact.  Knees will touch she will hold you arm, playfully bump into you and things like that. She is not super affectionate yet, but affectionate enough to let you know she is comfortable with you.

3. She will open up to you

We have all met a person who tells too much to fast.  I have been that person on occasion.  If she likes you she will open up to you more and actually be honest. When you are getting to know her and she is genuinely interested in letting you, she will let you in a little. She will tell you about the time when she fell off her bike and hurt her knee or in my case why she has so many burn marks on her arms.

4.  She will not tell you the details of her past relationships.

There are some women who don’t necessarily follow this rule, and they should start. If you ask her about her past relationships she will give you the basics and not the ends and outs.  If she tells you details that will negatively portray her she may not like you in that way.  In my experience unless she is raw from a hard breakup she will not tell you how she nagged him about going out with friends or why her last 2 relationships overlapped.

5. She will want to know where this going.

If she is interested in more than a few free meals or sporadic companionship she will want to know where this is going. She will want to talk about what you think of relationships and are you looking for one. She will be very interested in the where your head is without actually asking about where your head is with her. She may not come out and ask you how feel about her because it is too early for that but she wants to know what your intentions are and where your focus is.