Out With Old in with the NEW.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, at least not on New Years.  Many people have asked what my resolution is I didn’t really have one because I usually evaluate my life on my birthday. I don’t believe in the New Year New Me BS, but I know that  new year does spark something within all of us but flipping the calendar does not solidify change; it is a gradual process that takes consistency.  I always make a goal for myself on my birthday because birthdays literally mark a new year of life so it’s more significant for me.

Ironically my birthday ia almost right in the middle of the year.  This year my birthday resolution was to be content being alone and making decisions with men that benefitted me in better ways.  I could be alone and be ok or be in a fulfilling relationship.   I began to cut ties and make space in my life for something serious and local. Although there have been some missteps, as I said before old habits die hard, I am proud of my progress so far.

For the past few years I have hung with a select group of people.  I am moving on these people were cool to show me how to turn up Atlanta style and move around different groups of people.  But I don’t feel that they were long term. I didn’t feel like they made me want or a need to be better; they just made me want different things. With the ending of an era comes the beginning of a new one.  I feel like the last two years in Atlanta have been a transitioning phase for me. I have become more of who I want to to be in the last 6 months.

The bad habits of the past are hard to break but I am always in process, like the rest of humanity.  I am learning from my mistakes and correcting them instead of justifying them. I am being self reliant and resourceful.  I am learning to be mine before I am anyone elses.  Looking out for myself and learning how to be alone and still, instead of having a constant companion and always on the go.  By the March of 2015 I will be completely rid of the people who don’t serve a positive purpose.  So by June which is my birthday month I will be on track for my birthday


New Phase better me.

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NOT Being Mary Jane… Another show that makes being crazy, desperate and unreasonable OK.

Mary-Jane

So I finally marathon watched Being Mary Jane with Gabrielle Union on BET.  I watched it this way because I wasn’t that interested and so I needed to do it over the course of 2 days and I am not a Gabby Union fan.  This show highlighted a lot of stereotypes that apparently are a lot women’s realities because after the show some woman comes on through web cam and professes that she is Mary Jane as if it were an AA meeting. I am all for women’s empowerment and solidarity but I don’t think I have become desperate or crazy enough to identify with this character.  I feel the same way about Olivia Pope but Scandal is good for other reasons and Kerry Washington is freaking flawless in that show. I digress…

I am not Mary Jane and here is why… But I am still trying to figure out why anyone would admit that they are.

Mary Jane seems to not realize consequences of her actions until she is knee deep in a pile of her own shit that she created.  The bad things that happened were a direct result of her actions.  Don’t get me wrong I am not a saint and my foresight is not always that great but at the end of the day it doesn’t take tons of drama for me to acknowledge that I fucked up; including but not limited to wrecking a marriage and the suicide of a “friend”.

Mary Jane is ambitious with no goals.  Her life choices outside of her career are counter productive to what she says she wants.  Mary Jane sleeps with a married man, lets him move in with her after he leaves his wife and then dumps him for being married.  She is confused and self destructive.  She then stalks her ex, who has moved on and tells him that she wants him back.  But he then points out that she dumped him during his come up because it wasn’t happening fast enough for her.  So pretty much Mary Jane left him during his struggle and wants to reap the benefits of it. If your goal is to be married and have a family you have to take the necessary steps to make that happen.  I know that every man I get with is not going to be where I am or where I want him to be but if he is worth the trouble I think sticking around is how true Love works.  You don’t bail on the people you Love because they aren’t progressing at your pace.  The grind can be a long slow process. Most of all you can’t wait for an ex to become a millionaire and want him back,  that’s not fair or cool.

She has crazy ass female friends.  Honestly I have been known to say that I would go to jail for a night for my friends.  One night is my limit but I am a ride or die friend.  Your friends have to call you out on your crazy but that should not be pillars of crazy holding you up as the queen of crazy.  The show started with her friend trying to commit suicide, then that very same friend tells a guy that Mary Jane stole his sperm.  (*record scratches*…Yes Mary Jane stole a man’s sperm).  Then after it was all said and done the suicidal snitch friend, who is a gynecologist by the way, agrees to help her inseminate herself with this mans stolen sperm on the kitchen floor with a turkey baster.  Mary Jane’s other friend talks her in to going to the wife of the the man she had an affair with to apologize for her behavior.  I guess there was supposed to be nobility in this but in and earlier episode Mary Jane is speaking at a luncheon and throws and enormous amount of shade at this women during her speech.  I just don’t see how this is going to end well, and as a person who has been cheated on the mistresses apology was neither here nor there because she did not take responsibility for my feeling by being in a relationship with me. I guess I am lucky to have friends that would tell me to have a thousand fucking seats before they assisted me in any of the aforementioned bullshit.

So in No way do I feel I am Mary Jane and maybe my level of career success has not surpassed my level of personal happiness enough just yet.

My Table is Full so What Are You Bringing???

Young Professional.  I am beginning to hate what that means in this city.  Being from the Midwest and being a new resident of Atlanta it is causing me to reevaluate a lot of things or just make different more concise observations when it comes to dating.  Atlanta is the official City of Thirst in my mind. This city is driven by class, the illusion of wealth and earning potential. Women are trying to catch men and they have no idea how to go about it.  Looks only get you so far and in a city of attractive successful women it can barely get you noticed.

I have a friend, and I use this term very loosely, who wants has these ridiculous expectations and guidelines and maybe because I don’t really have any, I don’t understand.  I think that you should give a fair shot to anyone you are attracted to as long as they have  a legitimate job and don’t ask you to spend your money. I am this way because as an independent woman I don’t think his financial status should have anything to do with me. Another thing that bothers me about her ridiculous expectations is that she is more concerned with looks and job title rather than personality and values.  She wants a white collar black man, who is seemingly doing better than her financially, has 2 degrees,  owns or can own a home, is at least 6’0 and light skinned.  I laughed harder than you will ever understand when she said this because why does he need to be 6’0 when you are 5’4 and 5’10 in your highest platforms..  As our conversation went on I asked her what did she have to offer?  She went on to give me her stats, the thing about it was that they are the same as every other single black women I know.

I completely understand having standards but I truly believe that you have to be open to possibilities in unlikely places.  I don’t think that you have to take every endeavor seriously but getting to know someone a little regardless of your prejudgments can open you up to people and experiences that you very well miss out on otherwise.  I also think that my life experiences have put me around so many different types of people that I tend to a not have too many preconceived notions. My approach is more show me who you rather than believing that I already know. I also like to give people the opportunity to surprise me.

So with all that being said I feel that as women, especially young black professional women, we have to stop seeming so thirsty.  You are not the standard but you should become one. By that I mean in “The City of Thirst”  don’t be like everyone else chasing what happens.  Challenge yourself to be different, confident and independent; not pretending to be while waiting to be saved. Learn that in order to compliment a man you have to compliment yourself.  Have depth, your opinions should be about more than the latest fashion trend  and reality show.  However know that your opinions are only as valuable to other people’s as their opinions are to you. And above all else before you even try to give your all to someone else, give it to yourself first.  Real men can pick the lioness from the sheep.

 

Transporter Update: The Result of “The Talk”

A few weeks back I wrote this post. For those of you who didn’t read it it was about a guy I am involved with and how I felt like a side chick but there was no evidence of being one. So a few things have transpired since I wrote that.  I found out that he is older than I initially thought, making him 13 years my senior not the 8 years I originally believed. Honestly it didn’t bother me.  His age did not affect who he is it adds to somethings but I’m not 21 anymore and haven’t been for a long time.  He has been married and divorced; but he has no children.

Well We had the talk and it made me question what I am looking for. I am comfortable with my relationship with him but I think a title gives you security.  It defines obligations and sets boundaries, but the thing about title is it also creates expectations.  While we are in the nameless shapeless gray area we are responsible for our expectations.  This meaning we are not obligated to each others expectations.  It does not mean that they don’t exist simply means  we are not held accountable for disappointments.   I know that is a cop out, but I felt that at the time I didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s feelings or anything else for that matter; and what guy wouldn’t want the perks of a relationship without the burden of the obligation.

I guess the more I evaluated this arrangement the more I felt it was becoming a a little silly.  While we are responsible for our own feelings that does not exempt us from guilt.  When you begin to feel guilty for disappointment or missteps, you have to move into another phase in the relationship.  I think that is imperative to understand that no matter how hard we try or how distant we try to be when you begin to feel guilt and you begin to miss someone then you have fallen and we are at that point.  The feeling of being a side chick was me rationalizing the emotional distance  I was beginning to feel.

A few things came up in our talk.

My independence and Ambitions

He said that he feels like he only adds companionship to my life because I don’t need him for anything else and while he very much likes that I am that way, he struggles to find where he would fit other than where he already has.  Is independence threatening for a man?  While I was beginning to consider it a strength, I can understand how it can be daunting to add something to a person who seemingly has everything handled. So how do I balance my ambitions and goals with my personal life?  As a man what would be his role?

Past relationships

We both have ties to exes and that is hard to balance when bringing in someone new to the picture.  It is safe to say that these things may or may not have completely ended.

The future

If we were to embark on a relationship what would that mean for us?  Our age difference makes it difficult to determine if we are dating for marriage or for kicks.  The fact that he has been married in the past puts certain pressure on him to decide if he would want to do that again and me staring down 30 puts me on the fast track to children if that’s what we wanted to do together.  I know that the age thing may seem like nothing to some and and everything to others.

What I truly want

He posed a question that made me hesitate.  “Do you want a relationship or do you want a relationship with me?”  I had to think on that. I felt that sometimes that can be a valid question.  Some people just want relationships.  I wanted a relationship with him.  It wasn’t a question of do I just want a relationship.  The question has been do I like this person enough to just be with him.  I felt that it was him; it wasn’t driven my loneliness or some lack of control that I began to feel.

I never thought the “The Talk” would become a deep debate about life , I just thought that either he was into me or he wasn’t.  I am black and white on things like that but there are so many gray areas to consider I backed off.  So the conclusion I came to is that we should just give each other some space.  I think that I was given a lot of things to consider and down the line if it happens I would be happy to have him around.

30 things women should have and know by 30

I am fast approaching 30 and I am taking all the relevent advice I can get. I Love this book and thought it would be a good share. I copied the whole article from The Huffington Post and the original link is below.

In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled “30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30.” The list, written by Pamela Redmond Satran, was so popular that women started emailing it around, misattributing it to various female luminaries including Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton. Noting what a phenomenon it had become, the editors of Glamour created a book around it, featuring essays from (mostly) famous women on each of the items on the list. The book, released today, includes meditations from Katie Couric on work and love, Portia de Rossi on accepting your body, and one from the list’s original author, who is also aHuffington Post blogger, on how to live alone.

Because the list still makes us so, so happy, we asked Glamour‘s permission to reprint it here:

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.


By 30, you should know …

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30


What’s on your personal list of things to have and know — and possibly do — before turning 30?

List excerpted from Glamour‘s “Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know By The Time She’s 30.”

Read and excerpt from the book here.

2012-04-23-Glamour30ThingsBookCover.jpg

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/24/turning-30-30-things-every-woman-should-have-and-should-know_n_1447368.html

Alpha Female seeks Alpha Male: Please Apply Within

Funny conversation happened to me this weekend.  I was sitting at a local bar with my bff and as usual we turned a few heads.  I was approached by a interesting character, whom I will call Memphis, I think that’s where he was from.  Memphis and I started having a conversation about family and children.  How we got on this subject I have no idea.  But I explained that I wanted 3 children not too far apart in age and I didn’t want to work until they were of school age.  He laughed and asked if I wanted to be taken care of.  I said no I am very capable and willing to work and my work ethic was impeccable.  But with my current salary would cover a little more than childcare cost for 3 children.  Then he asked if I was looking for an Alpha male or someone who makes enough to make it happen. This is a loaded question.

I explained that my taste in men has always leaned toward the Alpha male types, my dad is that way.  I like men who know what they want and go after it with nothing stopping them.  I am also attracted to men who take the lead instead of those who follow. The problem with these men is the ability to keep their attention   takes skill and at times it is not worth the effort.  They tend to be so focused on their goals that you turn into more of a distraction than a partner. I prefer a strong partnership above all else.  So while I am most attracted to this type of man I don’t usually date them.

Memphis brought up a good point.  If you want that type, you have to be that type.  Strong men are attracted to strong women.  Men want you to bring just as much to the table as they do, because there are women lined up around the block for successful men. I agreed and I noticed that the difference between me and those women is that he was talking to me and not them, but the options were limited that night some I’m not patting myself too hard on the back.

In my dealings with driven men I’ve found that they all want a good balance of someone who will understand that they are not available and be willing to handle that, as well as, play a supporting role to them.  But on the other hand they want you to be available because they are not so understanding.  At times I think these men don’t know what they want. Above all they want to spread their seed.  So… until the Alpha man can bring a uterus and another set of genetics I will always bring more lol, at least in my opinion.

Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Dick Flashers Unite

In the recent past I have been dick flashed and not by little boys, but by grown ass men.  I am starting to think that maybe I look like someone who wants to randomly see dicks, but I’m sure that’s not it. I am convinced that there is an epidemic of thirsty dudes pulling out their dicks.  If you have no shame in your game more power to you but there are rules to pulling out your dick.

    1. Make sure she’s interested- Don’t just whip out your dick because you Think that he or she Might be feelin you like that.
    2. Know the type of person you’re dealing with-  If your package is sub standard then you might get laughed at if you’re dealing with someone who couldn’t care less about your feelings.
    3. Be sure it’s worth pulling out- If you have ever doubted how you measured up then you probably don’t. I will bet she or he is going to tell everyone that you don’t and exaggerate it as well.
    4. Please know him or her for more than 2 mins or even 2 weeks-  I know some are going to say I can smash in 2 weeks… While this may be true, it will  have you come off as thirsty; when you do this use some finesse.
    5. If you want don’t want to be known as “Pull Out Man” leave you dick in you pants- that’s self explanatory.
    6. Don’t do this in public- I was at a club a dude pulled his dick out on the dance floor. If we had been anywhere else he would have been considered a sex offender for being stupid; which is never a good look.

That’s all I can think of but it’s  problem out here so please

watch out for dick flashes because it might happen when you least expect it.