It almost happened… I let my guard down and the best friend saw it. I guess I’m not as clever as I thought. I tried to stay away and effectively I did because we were in a groups setting. No Sunday afternoon drinks, or movie with a “Friend”; we went out as group, partied to sunrise and made out well into the afternoon. I feel guilty, even though there was no sex taking place and no clothes came off I still feel skanky. I have to say I am proud of that feeling because there was a time when guilty and skanky never crossed my mind, a time when I would have had sex with him and not thought twice about the havoc that it would cause because I would just move on, leaving chaos in my wake. I am growing and of that I am proud.
Aside from the adolescent make out session we had as grown ass adults we talked a lot and even though I am still trying to cipher through what’s real and utter bullshit. I can’t say that I am moved in one way or another. I am always slow to fall in like with anyone and I can’t fall in like with a person who is this close to my boyfriend…
I think that anyone bold enough to step to his friends girl is shady and I am no better for giving in to the advances, but I realized that I am fundamentally flawed a long time ago so dealing with another person with less fucks to give that me is scary. This could be a test which I am slowing failing at but who the hell knows. I think I am doing well considering my past history of not being faithful. I could be a conquest. Sometimes we do things just to see if we can do them, for him this could be it. To me that’s intriguing because I would like to prove to myself that I can change, I don’t have to be so impulsive all of the time.
The dilemma now is do I tell my boyfriend what happened. I think that I should deny, deny deny.