Thoughts of the son we could have had.

I’m just kinda taking whatever life gives me and hoping that I make the right decision. – Amy Smart

Sometimes I think about our baby.   How he would look, act, talk. Would he be a spitting image of his Dad.  I would want him to be, his Dad is an amazing man.   He would be beautiful and smart. Would he be quietly thoughtful like his Dad or outspoken with quick wit like his mom. I think  about this sometimes when I think about his father. A very handsome, thoughtful man doing well for himself, any woman’s dream Baby Daddy, but I didn’t want a Baby Daddy. I didn’t want to impose my presence on anyone’s life, as well as, put myself in a vulnerable position. I was not ready for the best or worst outcome. But I think about him.

I think about him in the way that you would think about a dream, like a distant reality that you’re not sure you want to be real.  I think about him and what he would have done to us.  Would he have made us stronger and closer or would he have made you resent me? Would he be the reminder of a bad decision or an outcome to be celebrated? He would have been loved and we would have adjusted eventually.

I feel that children should come to two people who want a child not into chaos which is where we were at the time. That is my personal preference, no disrespect to single Mothers but I would not choose to be one.  I cherish life partnerships over offsprings. It’s nice to have a legacy but I want to share that legacy with someone I would rather be childless, than a single mother; but who knows that could always change.

Now that I am ready to start to settle down I think about these things.  I feel that for that time in our lives I made the right decision not only for me but for us. This post is in no way a reflection of me being haunted by a decision; under those circumstances I would make the same decision if it were today.    So when I am ready and under circumstances that I deem acceptable, I will have a child. That child will have a life filled with Love and support but I will still think about him, and what kind big brother he would have been.

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Don't make me think I'm writing to myself...What do you think???

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