Marriage Zone???? There is truth to it but it is still full of Bullshit

Recently one of my close guy friends sent me an article or blog post called “The Marriage Zone”.  The Marriage Zone Theory suggests that women and men come to optimal dating ages  two different age ranges.  While women are more desirable when the are young, men are more desirable as they age.  But there is a small window for women to marry men before the woman has aged too much and the man hasn’t reached his full dating potential.  This what is considered the marriage zone. marriage zone 2The article then suggest that guys should avoid the marriage zone because dating life gets so much better for them if they make it through this rough patch.  But women should try to snag at man at this optimal marrying age, before he realizes his potential, and if they don’t women will be single through their thirties and possibly beyond that.

So my take on the marriage zone is there is some truth to this.  However there are  a few things to consider when thinking about things based on age alone.  Some guys aren’t the player type.  There are guys out there that like to be with one person and enjoy the person they are with.  They are not into games because they don’t see the point.  These are the guys that aspire to the family life early on.  The idea that copious amounts of sex will satisfy every man suggest that men are more simple than I thought.

The idea that age is the key variable in a woman’s ability to attract men is bullshit.  I am pretty sure that any woman who takes care of her body will age well.  I think that life experiences hinder women more than actual age.  Women lose their optimism as they age and with the biological clock ticks (and I truly believe this clock is real), they become a little impatient.  Women who are approaching or in their 30s are not less desirable to men but they have a zero tolerance for games.  However women who are not looking to settle down play as many games as a men in their age group.  They know how to attract men and keep them coming back for more.

So do I think that the Marriage Zone is Bullshit???

YES and NO. I think that after 30 men and women have different goals. But if you get two people together who have the same goals and interests then the age doesn’t factor in as much.  I think that women have to be more patient and open minded with men as we get older and that men need to figure out what they want sooner rather than later.  Who wants to become a dad for the first time after 40 with a 25 year old??? So really this marriage zone thing is where you place it, as long as you are mentally prepared to spend you life with someone  you get married whenever you want. I am very close to 30 at this point and have no plans of settling down anytime soon and I have no problems attracting men of all ages so….

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“Insert Moan Here”: Adolescent make out session because I can handle that amount of guilt.

It almost happened… I let my guard down and the best friend saw it.  I guess I’m not as clever as I thought.  I tried to stay away and effectively I did because we were in a groups setting.  No Sunday afternoon drinks, or movie with a “Friend”; we went out as group, partied to sunrise and made out well into the afternoon. I feel guilty, even though there was no sex taking place and no clothes came off I still feel skanky.  I have to say I am proud of that feeling because there was a time when guilty and skanky never crossed my mind, a time when I would have had sex with him and not thought twice about the havoc that it would cause because I would just move on, leaving chaos in my wake.  I am growing and of that I am proud.

Aside from the adolescent make out session we had as grown ass adults we talked a lot and even though I am still trying to cipher through what’s real and utter bullshit.  I can’t say that I am moved in one way or another.  I am always slow to fall in like with anyone and I can’t fall in like with a person who is this close to my boyfriend…

I think that anyone bold enough to step to his friends girl is shady and I am no better for giving in to the advances,  but I realized that I am fundamentally flawed a long time ago so dealing with another person with less fucks to give that me is scary.  This could be a test which I am slowing failing at but who the hell knows.  I think I am doing well considering my past history of not being faithful. I could be a conquest.  Sometimes we do things just to see if we can do them,  for him this could be it. To me that’s intriguing because I would like to prove to myself that I can change, I don’t have to be so impulsive all of the time.

The dilemma now is do I tell my boyfriend what happened.  I think that I should deny, deny deny.

Transporter Update: The Result of “The Talk”

A few weeks back I wrote this post. For those of you who didn’t read it it was about a guy I am involved with and how I felt like a side chick but there was no evidence of being one. So a few things have transpired since I wrote that.  I found out that he is older than I initially thought, making him 13 years my senior not the 8 years I originally believed. Honestly it didn’t bother me.  His age did not affect who he is it adds to somethings but I’m not 21 anymore and haven’t been for a long time.  He has been married and divorced; but he has no children.

Well We had the talk and it made me question what I am looking for. I am comfortable with my relationship with him but I think a title gives you security.  It defines obligations and sets boundaries, but the thing about title is it also creates expectations.  While we are in the nameless shapeless gray area we are responsible for our expectations.  This meaning we are not obligated to each others expectations.  It does not mean that they don’t exist simply means  we are not held accountable for disappointments.   I know that is a cop out, but I felt that at the time I didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s feelings or anything else for that matter; and what guy wouldn’t want the perks of a relationship without the burden of the obligation.

I guess the more I evaluated this arrangement the more I felt it was becoming a a little silly.  While we are responsible for our own feelings that does not exempt us from guilt.  When you begin to feel guilty for disappointment or missteps, you have to move into another phase in the relationship.  I think that is imperative to understand that no matter how hard we try or how distant we try to be when you begin to feel guilt and you begin to miss someone then you have fallen and we are at that point.  The feeling of being a side chick was me rationalizing the emotional distance  I was beginning to feel.

A few things came up in our talk.

My independence and Ambitions

He said that he feels like he only adds companionship to my life because I don’t need him for anything else and while he very much likes that I am that way, he struggles to find where he would fit other than where he already has.  Is independence threatening for a man?  While I was beginning to consider it a strength, I can understand how it can be daunting to add something to a person who seemingly has everything handled. So how do I balance my ambitions and goals with my personal life?  As a man what would be his role?

Past relationships

We both have ties to exes and that is hard to balance when bringing in someone new to the picture.  It is safe to say that these things may or may not have completely ended.

The future

If we were to embark on a relationship what would that mean for us?  Our age difference makes it difficult to determine if we are dating for marriage or for kicks.  The fact that he has been married in the past puts certain pressure on him to decide if he would want to do that again and me staring down 30 puts me on the fast track to children if that’s what we wanted to do together.  I know that the age thing may seem like nothing to some and and everything to others.

What I truly want

He posed a question that made me hesitate.  “Do you want a relationship or do you want a relationship with me?”  I had to think on that. I felt that sometimes that can be a valid question.  Some people just want relationships.  I wanted a relationship with him.  It wasn’t a question of do I just want a relationship.  The question has been do I like this person enough to just be with him.  I felt that it was him; it wasn’t driven my loneliness or some lack of control that I began to feel.

I never thought the “The Talk” would become a deep debate about life , I just thought that either he was into me or he wasn’t.  I am black and white on things like that but there are so many gray areas to consider I backed off.  So the conclusion I came to is that we should just give each other some space.  I think that I was given a lot of things to consider and down the line if it happens I would be happy to have him around.

My first E-mail Question YAY!!!

Everything L and L,

I enjoy reading your blog from time to and I would like to know your take on this.  I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and I want to have sex with him but I don’t want things to change between us.  Do you think there is a way to prevent this?

Umm sex is tricky.   At a month into something I would think that you have a pretty good feel for this guy and what he thinks about sex, especially if you are thinking about doing it. If you think it will change things then don’t have sex with him; unless you want things to change.  I am not a fan of 90 day rules or anything that places stringent terms on things like this because every situation is different.  However I think if you want things to get serious you have to be strategic with your panties.  I know it’s really messed up to say this but you make the guys you take  serious wait, and all the others it doesn’t really matter.

In reality you have to do what feels  right for you. Before having sex with anyone you should know their ideals in regards to protection,  birth control and what happens if you guys slip up. If you don’t know these things then you should  pump your brakes.  Communication is key in any relationship so you should have this talk first. If you think this guy genuinely likes you and takes you serious then go for it, but if there are still doubts don’t.

From the sounds of this e-mail you have your doubts and maybe it has something to do with past experiences, so let me address that.  If you have been wrong in the past about a man’s intentions then you need to have a serious conversation about that what his intentions are; guessing is never good for anyone.  When having sex with a person you are pursuing a serious relationship with, you have to keep your expectations high for him even after you guys have sex; don’t become dicknotized. It is ok to bask in the a newness of the relationship without getting physical because getting to know someone is part of the fun, it may not be easy but it might be worth it. Also you have to remember that if it’s all good now you could have sex with him and be completely turned off, because not all dick is good dick. My advice is proceed with caution.

Me, Us, Him and Them

I’ve been in 2 serious relationships in my short life.  The first one I felt like and still do feel like part of the family.  There was nothing I wouldn’t do for his family and friends.  I Loved his brothers like my brothers and they treated me the same way.  My present relationship has not be a smooth intergration of the people surrounding us.  I don’t feel like his family is my family and it is very evident that his friends certainly are not my friends.  Don’t get me wrong they are very nice people I just don’t consider them my people.

There is stark difference in the way that we were taught to interact with people and I think it has a lot to do with where we are from.  I am from a city where everyone was extended family if you were around long enough.  Friendships last forever,  as a matter of fact, if I call my friends from high school today we would talk as if no time has lapsed. I don’t know if people just like to gossip, but there were very few secrets; good and bad.  He on the other hand was not raised in a very open and inviting community. His family is very small and close knit,  it seems that in his family and with his friends you have to prove that you are worthy of their acceptance; and endure some ancient family ritual.  Whereas with my family once you cross the threshold you are one of us.   We are open books but we respect the fact that we are individuals living different lives.  It seems that with his friends and family the willingness to share their failures as well their success is absent.  

I understand that complete immersion into someone else’s inner circle is not always a good thing but when it feels as though you are on the outside looking in, it kind of sucks.  I think that it is very important that I make him feel like he is part of my family and that  there is no reason to shy away from them. In a serious relationship you will have to interact and constantly hear about these people.  The funny thing about his people is that they will secretly hate you and smile in your face.  I don’t know people close to me who are that nice.  Then again people around him feel like they have the right to voice concerns about our relationship.  Honestly I don’t think I make people that comfortable or I just don’t even give it a listening ear when advice or concern is unsolicited.

In relationships we have to deal with more than just or signifcant others and this can be very difficult when you are seen as the villian.  I am exactly that in the eyes of people around him and I don’t know what he does to change that now; I know what he has done in the past and it doesn’t exactly make me confident.  We are not attached at the hip, ir over the top affectionate couple that people like to see.  They hear about the downs far more than they hear about the ups and honestly I’m done defending myself or playing nice. Quite frankly it is not my place to check the people around him.  My people don’t have a vested interest in the demise of our relationship.