Rules and Realities

There is no such thing a s friends with benefits- Once you have sex with someone its all benefits, friendship is completely dead.  DON’T kid yourself by thinking you’re friends.  If he does extra things besides blow your back out it’s because he likes you, or he may even be a good person who gives a shit.  But friendship is non existent.

You may not have to be a self starter but it imperative to be self finisher- If you are having random casual sex you learn that it is an Olympic race to the finish and by finish I mean cum…  The person who cums first wins. At the end of the day my orgasm is my concern his is his.

The guy you’re fucking wants to thinks he’s the only guy you’re fucking- I think that is self explanatory.

Disappointed??? Ithappens- As in all areas of life your reality may not match your expectations. Just because he is sexy from across the room does not mean he will live up to your fantasy.  Sometimes even after his best efforts and fancy tricks you will be less than satisfied.

If you let him he will treat you like a heaux- Pussy is POWER.  How you  allow someone to treat you after you have sex with them is the basis of your relationship.  I don’t subscribe to the heaux mentality but I know guys who think that because I felt like having sex with them once I am now their booty call girl.  The easiest way to change this is to not be available. If he calls don’t answer and if he texts don’t respond.  Sex happens on my terms when I feel like it. Unless I am receiving an actual paycheck from a person I not on call for anyone.  Most of all feel no shame, if you are shamed of doing something you shouldn’t do it.

Size matters, but not really- Ok so size matters to a point but I have had better sex with a smaller dicked man than ones with very memorable sized cock.  I am not suggesting that I wasn’t satisfied with both but chemistry and skill is much more valuable than size.

Be a freak but know your boundaries- I like different things with different guys. however one may know me as a straight freak and another may know me as just a good fuck.  That is because everyone can’t handle everything.  I do what I feel comfortable with who I feel comfortable doing.

I’m not one for fetish shit-  So I push my boundaries but I don’t like too much of any given thing.  Fetish guys are fun but when he asks you if he can jack off while you model shoes in an Elsa costume it gets a little weird.

If you deal with ain’t shit guy you will get ain’t shit results-  Choose who you fuck wisely. I know there are some people who believe in this double standard that I choose to completely ignore in every way so I date and fuck guys who are open minded enough to do the same. Being a woman who has had A LOT of casual sex has not hindered my ability to find people who want to be in a serious committed relationships with me.

Morals and values are important- I joke about having loose morals when it comes to sex, but I and very comfortable with  who I am.  I have boundaries I will never cross and values that I don’t compromise under any circumstance.  Who you choose to have sex with and the reason behind it are you business, and it does not define who you are. Only you can choose to be the type of person you want to be.

Married at First Sight: The experts can’t predict genuine chemistry

 

I truly believe that at the basis of any relationship is genuine chemistry, not attraction but chemistry.  Chemistry is what makes you to continue to talk to person who approached you.  It is the cosmic energy that draws you to a person from a across the room.  Call me a romantic but chemistry is important.

Married at first site is a social experiment show where experts match people based on interviews and profiles to marry immediately upon meeting.  There is a large wedding and everything.  Of the nine couples over three years and three seasons, only two couples have been able to make this work. I think the reason that this doesn’t work is chemistry.  Marrying a stranger is daunting and even if you are attracted to the person it is still daunting.  You can find someone attractive and not feel connected to them.

The flaw in Married at First Sight is chemistry because it is something that just happens.  The experts cannot predict chemistry between two people, which is the reason why everyone you’re matched with on the dating site of your choice doesn’t work out.  What looks good on paper does not means it will work for you.  The nuances of connection and feeling connected are so much more than personality profiles.  When you have genuine chemistry with someone there is an unspoken understanding of that person.  It is what makes us feel that this person is worth the trouble until proven otherwise.

There are several arguments as to why the shows premise that with expert matches, hard work on yourself you can marry a stranger isn’t working.  The number one argument is lack of intimacy.  Well let’s talk about that, you have cameras following you for six weeks after marrying a total stranger. Couple that with couples counseling, and romantic getaways chaperoned by show staff.  It’s not an intimate experience, some people have sex and some don’t.  No matter how much physical affection helps, sex and affection do not create intimacy, communication and understanding do.  When you are comfortable with your partner it is easier to build on intimacy, how are you going to do that with this set up?

The other argument is they were too “intimate” too fast.  I’m guessing intimate means sex… Well sex brings people closer but it doesn’t make them have an intimate connection only a physical one.  Sex is also a stress reliever and I’m guessing this a stressful situation and if it makes people feel better they are a married couple.Even if you are having all of the sex a person can handle it doesn’t suggest you have chemistry, to me it says you find that person attractive, not that you feel connected.

So basically chemistry is the basis for a relationship and experts can’t fabricate it.

Love is not in the air… I don’t want a boyfriend

 

So I am stepping away from my very new relationship because I don’t want to be in a relationship.  I have so much going on in my life that I don’t have the energy let or bandwidth to cater to another person and their whims.  I really wanted it to work and maybe it will come back around but the timing isn’t right for me.  My Nigerian honey bun is utterly confused because I didn’t want to casually date I wanted a relationship and on the day that is supposed to be filled with Love was like”or nah”.  I liked him but it wasn’t working for me so that brings me to this rant.  Don’t ask for things you’re not sure you want.

Women are taught to be consistent and that you demand certain things to get the outcome you want.  Well do you know what you want that outcome to be?  I am one of those people who truly believe titles make things easier and that strange gray area that we tend to stay in for too long is no fun.  In this case I should have stayed in that gray area.  I demanded a title I got one and then I panicked.  I panicked because his expectations of me went for being a movie and company to dinners and errands.  I expected to be able to share my world with him and he didn’t have time to be a part of it.  I think we will remain friends but a relationship was not in our best interest.  I didn’t really know what I wanted so I tried to play by the book this time and I think I need to continue to write it as I go. While my feelings for him have not changed, my feelings about our status did.

Don’t ask for what you’re not sure you wan,t if its working go with it, don’t change it because it logically makes sense.  Sharing your life with someone tends to defy logic

Adventures from a cross cultural relationship Part 1: Family over Pets but my pets are my family…..

My boyfriend is Nigerian and I am African American.  The funny thing is we never talk about until we don’t want to claim each other’s people, which usually happens when we see people who are actually being stereotypes. We don’t look for differences but sometimes they are stark and unavoidable.  One of these has to do with indoor dogs and his complete and utter confusion about this.

Until recently I had 2 dogs, a 3 year old Poodle and a 13 year old Pomeranian.  My boyfriend has never really been here for my fur babies, he tolerates them.  He is not willing to keep them on the weekend but he will pay for the boarding, lol.  I let my cousin, whom I had recently reconnected with after 10 years stay with me until she got on her feet. During her stay at my place my dog got hit by a car under her supervision.  Unfortunately my dog did not survive the trauma and after a million apologies I put my cousin out of my apartment. My boyfriend immediately encouraged me to reconsider, it was an accident and she was staying with me after having nowhere else to go.

The thing about family is that blood doesn’t make you sincere.  While I don’t think she meant for anything to happen, she did not take the necessary precautions to prevent it.  She also did not call after she left from my house, not even a text message which really made me feel as if she wasn’t as sorry as she claimed. My boyfriend doesn’t understand my attachment to my dogs he tries really hard but he doesn’t get it.  He likes dogs but he is not fond of them being in the house and dogs as small as mine really serve no purpose according to him, I can’t rally argue with that. He felt as if my cousins needs should have taken precedence over my grief.  He would have never put out a person because of a dog.

I showed up on his doorstep at 3 a.m. balling and drunk “He was a dog you can get another one” my boyfriend said. I had also gotten a memorial tattoo in my dogs memory and he liked the tattoo but really didn’t understand my pain. He held me while I cried, supplied me with 2 aspirin, a bottled water and of course a trashcan.   I was clearly too drunk and inconsolable for sex so he made me go to sleep. He didn’t understand but he was there for me nonetheless.

The next morning I tried to explain that when you nurture something for years you can’t replace it and no other dog would be my dog it would be a totally different dog with different quirks.  In our conversation we had to face that I take my dogs very seriously. I get very attached and grew up with dogs, I even took my Pomeranian to college.  A cousin who comes into your life after not seeing you for over 10 years then ends up on you couch doesn’t get that consideration.  We did not disagree but we did not exactly agree.  He has never had a dog so I didn’t expect him to understand, after all there are Americans who aren’t that serious about dogs but they understand the attachment.

Our disagreement was rooted in the treatment of family.  I am a firm believer in the nuclear and immediate families being close.  He runs errand for his mother’s friend’s cousin whim he calls aunty mostly because it’s respectful, but also because if everyone is aunty you don’t have to remember names.  He was raised to be there for his family immediate, extended and otherwise.  I admire that but I don’t adhere to that. My parents raised us to be close as siblings but we aren’t really obligated to extended family.

Love or whatever…

When do you say I Love you?  When do you know you Love someone? I am at a standstill… I think I Love him.  If he needs a piece of my liver or a kidney I would give it to him.  I would have his children under the right circumstances but do I Love him?  I haven’t actually pondered if I love someone in a very long time, it never gets to that point. I pray for him and care about him.  I don’t worry about him though, and in all of my thoughts I feel our friendship not necessary Love.  I feel the passion for life between us but not life necessarily together. I think I Love him though? There is a level of intimacy that is there and is comfortable.  I want to be better because of him and not disappoint him but do I Love him?  Do you just know?  Do you wait for the guy to declare it first?  What are the rules?  I am confused in this. Please HELP

Opinions are like orgasms…. What I’ve learned from having Loose Morals.

For the most part this has been my motto since I was smart enough to not give a shit about people’s opinions, especially when their opinion pertains to my vagina and what I choose to do with it.  I always simultaneously cringe and evil laugh when people insist that every sexual experience you have is a spiritual and emotional mixing of souls.  Because my morals are loose and my pussy is always tight there have been some hard learned lessons along the way; the biggest lesson has been about other people’s opinions.

Who I have sex with is my business and it’s best to keep it that way.  Unfortunately not everyone will give less fucks than I do, and the thing is, although I don’t have many to give about other peoples opinions. However eventually they will be encountered so I had to learn how to deal with them and not be ashamed or feel belittled.

There is a certain level of freedom that comes with being self realized.  I have learned to not hold on to people too tightly, people who genuinely like will do so regardless.  True friends will tell YOU when you’re wrong or sloppy, they will not tell everyone else you’re wrong or sloppy.  Being able to have friends around is very good and keeps you grounded as well as balanced.  You have to be able to be a popular acquaintance and a rare friend, many people will know of you and few will actually know you.

Sex is, to some people, a very intimate experience which is true some of the time.  I think that is important to be comfortable with the people you sleep with and comfortable with your decision after.  My best friend is not a person who can have detached sex for pleasure and she doesn’t, but that doesn’t make every experience for her a spiritual one. I do not think that she is any less liberated than me I just think that she mentally responds to things differently.  There are guys who have these same feelings and I know for a fact women have more sex than guys. Which is part of the reasons guys are so judgmental about body count… Oh yea if someone asks for a body count RUN.  It’s very immature to even care about that at this point, we should be more worried about protection and testing frequency.

The double standard is real but people will only treat you how you allow them to.  I have run into some sticky situations in group settings but I have never once felt that I am less than anyone or that I had done something wrong.  Carrying shame for things you have done that don’t negatively affect people is wrong.  Letting people treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable is wrong; demanding that people respect you is not.  I have ran into guys I slept with while out with a new guy and I speak and keep moving because I am not easy nor am I doing anything wrong.  I am proud to say that I am cordial to majority of the people I’ve dealt with and they respect each other. Being around more than one guy you’ve been with in the same place at the same time is taboo,  I don’t really know why but being shameful brings shame.

Test the merchandise.  The worst thing you can have is buyers remorse.  If you’re not into it leave.  I do it for fun even, just get up and leave.  Before clothes come off if you’re not into it don’t go through with it. If you straddle him and don’e feel anything through his clothes, TRUST ME get up and leave; unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Do your thing, respect yourself, and demand other people respect you.

Introduce Yourself Here To Other Bloggers And Grow Your Audience!

I started blogging a few years the last year or so has been very sporadic. Most of the of the blogggers I followed and kept up with have stopped blogging and one of the very questions people have is how to grow you audience. As anonymous bloggger this is tricky because you don’t usually share you blog space with people you personally know; you reach out the strangers. So this is one way introduce yourself in the comments. Give a brief description of your blog theme. Following other bloggers and spending time on their blogs is the greatest way to sustain bloggerships.

THE EDITOR'S JOURNAL

So I’d been thinking since I began 11 months ago about how I could help other bloggers grow their audience as quickly as I did. Y’all know how passionate I am about making a proper living from blogging already.

I started doing Blogging Tips and then I wanted to offer online events that could help boost folks’ audiences. I had quite a few in mind but a busy schedule and some tough periods put paid to getting them up and running last year. But now…here is the first!Feel free to use this post to say hi and introduce yourself to other bloggers. Add links to your books, your poems, your enterprises.

Promote Yourself!

Tell folks who you are and what you blog about so people will want to check you out. Also go say hi to others. It is all key to growing your audience.

Frankly I got tired of…

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Thoughts of the son we could have had.

I’m just kinda taking whatever life gives me and hoping that I make the right decision. – Amy Smart

Sometimes I think about our baby.   How he would look, act, talk. Would he be a spitting image of his Dad.  I would want him to be, his Dad is an amazing man.   He would be beautiful and smart. Would he be quietly thoughtful like his Dad or outspoken with quick wit like his mom. I think  about this sometimes when I think about his father. A very handsome, thoughtful man doing well for himself, any woman’s dream Baby Daddy, but I didn’t want a Baby Daddy. I didn’t want to impose my presence on anyone’s life, as well as, put myself in a vulnerable position. I was not ready for the best or worst outcome. But I think about him.

I think about him in the way that you would think about a dream, like a distant reality that you’re not sure you want to be real.  I think about him and what he would have done to us.  Would he have made us stronger and closer or would he have made you resent me? Would he be the reminder of a bad decision or an outcome to be celebrated? He would have been loved and we would have adjusted eventually.

I feel that children should come to two people who want a child not into chaos which is where we were at the time. That is my personal preference, no disrespect to single Mothers but I would not choose to be one.  I cherish life partnerships over offsprings. It’s nice to have a legacy but I want to share that legacy with someone I would rather be childless, than a single mother; but who knows that could always change.

Now that I am ready to start to settle down I think about these things.  I feel that for that time in our lives I made the right decision not only for me but for us. This post is in no way a reflection of me being haunted by a decision; under those circumstances I would make the same decision if it were today.    So when I am ready and under circumstances that I deem acceptable, I will have a child. That child will have a life filled with Love and support but I will still think about him, and what kind big brother he would have been.

And If I ever fall In LOVE again

I will be sure to be myself.

I have been in Love twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager and it was the purest form of Love a person can be apart of. It was authentic and true we had our whole lives ahead of us and we grew together in ways that movies only display. I was myself with no hesitation. The second time I was in Love was after in college. I don’t feel like I was myself during this time. I was becoming the person I would ultimately be. I was experimenting with different versions of myself. Looking back now I know that knowing who you are is a key component to being a healthy part of the relationship. I was toxic, to him and myself I did not know how to just be content. I was restless and selfish, as much as I loved him I had not fallen in Love with me.

Being in Love with someone can be an intoxicating experience, so much so that you yearn for the source of your pleasure. You learn to be what that person needs you to be and it is very possible to lose yourself in that feeling. But there is no better feeling than knowing someone is in Love with who you genuinely are, not who they would like you to be. To know that they are in Love with all the flaws and quirks, the scars and curves, and if you never changed they would Love you anyway, but in the same breath encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

Now that I have grown into myself and I understand what works for me and what doesn’t. I know how I interpret and display Love as well being ready to put in the work. If I ever fall in Love again I will be sure to be unapologetically me.

Eye Candy of the Week

President Barack Obama because apparently he has no more campaigns to run due the fact that he has “won both of em”.