Thoughts of the son we could have had.

I’m just kinda taking whatever life gives me and hoping that I make the right decision. – Amy Smart

Sometimes I think about our baby.   How he would look, act, talk. Would he be a spitting image of his Dad.  I would want him to be, his Dad is an amazing man.   He would be beautiful and smart. Would he be quietly thoughtful like his Dad or outspoken with quick wit like his mom. I think  about this sometimes when I think about his father. A very handsome, thoughtful man doing well for himself, any woman’s dream Baby Daddy, but I didn’t want a Baby Daddy. I didn’t want to impose my presence on anyone’s life, as well as, put myself in a vulnerable position. I was not ready for the best or worst outcome. But I think about him.

I think about him in the way that you would think about a dream, like a distant reality that you’re not sure you want to be real.  I think about him and what he would have done to us.  Would he have made us stronger and closer or would he have made you resent me? Would he be the reminder of a bad decision or an outcome to be celebrated? He would have been loved and we would have adjusted eventually.

I feel that children should come to two people who want a child not into chaos which is where we were at the time. That is my personal preference, no disrespect to single Mothers but I would not choose to be one.  I cherish life partnerships over offsprings. It’s nice to have a legacy but I want to share that legacy with someone I would rather be childless, than a single mother; but who knows that could always change.

Now that I am ready to start to settle down I think about these things.  I feel that for that time in our lives I made the right decision not only for me but for us. This post is in no way a reflection of me being haunted by a decision; under those circumstances I would make the same decision if it were today.    So when I am ready and under circumstances that I deem acceptable, I will have a child. That child will have a life filled with Love and support but I will still think about him, and what kind big brother he would have been.

And If I ever fall In LOVE again

I will be sure to be myself.

I have been in Love twice in my life. The first time I was a teenager and it was the purest form of Love a person can be apart of. It was authentic and true we had our whole lives ahead of us and we grew together in ways that movies only display. I was myself with no hesitation. The second time I was in Love was after in college. I don’t feel like I was myself during this time. I was becoming the person I would ultimately be. I was experimenting with different versions of myself. Looking back now I know that knowing who you are is a key component to being a healthy part of the relationship. I was toxic, to him and myself I did not know how to just be content. I was restless and selfish, as much as I loved him I had not fallen in Love with me.

Being in Love with someone can be an intoxicating experience, so much so that you yearn for the source of your pleasure. You learn to be what that person needs you to be and it is very possible to lose yourself in that feeling. But there is no better feeling than knowing someone is in Love with who you genuinely are, not who they would like you to be. To know that they are in Love with all the flaws and quirks, the scars and curves, and if you never changed they would Love you anyway, but in the same breath encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

Now that I have grown into myself and I understand what works for me and what doesn’t. I know how I interpret and display Love as well being ready to put in the work. If I ever fall in Love again I will be sure to be unapologetically me.

Who the fuck wants to 35 and ALONE???

Hello SKYLA… Now my 5 year plan goes into effect.

A few weeks ago I got an IUD inserted.  For those of you who don’t know, it is a long term form  of birth control that is insert into your uterus, some release a small amount of hormones others don’t.  I decided to try out SKYLA, it releases a small amount of hormones and protects me, and him,  against pregnancy for 3 years.  No daily routines, no worries.  The insertion was very uncomfortable and if you’ve never had  a baby you don’t know what to expect so just be prepared that it will hurt and will be uncomfortable for the first few days, but it’s nothing more than your worst period.

So I went off on tangent a little now back to my 5 year plan.

I want to date get married and start having babies in 5 years.  So I got the IUD that lasts 3 years which should cover the first two steps of my three fold plan.  I am at the point that I don’t want things to linger if they aren’t going anywhere; I would prefer to be alone than waste time.  This even means the relationships that have lasted for a prolonged periods of time.  I feel that it is time to be decisive in these choices.

We are in a time when non commitment is the new relationship and I’m not going to be a part of that.  I want to settle down and have a family and enjoy life. But most of all I want to do it with someone that I enjoy and I wholly Love. So in the next few years I want to do this.  So the answer to the question posed by Aubrey’s mom I don’t want to be 35, single and alone.

Out With Old in with the NEW.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, at least not on New Years.  Many people have asked what my resolution is I didn’t really have one because I usually evaluate my life on my birthday. I don’t believe in the New Year New Me BS, but I know that  new year does spark something within all of us but flipping the calendar does not solidify change; it is a gradual process that takes consistency.  I always make a goal for myself on my birthday because birthdays literally mark a new year of life so it’s more significant for me.

Ironically my birthday ia almost right in the middle of the year.  This year my birthday resolution was to be content being alone and making decisions with men that benefitted me in better ways.  I could be alone and be ok or be in a fulfilling relationship.   I began to cut ties and make space in my life for something serious and local. Although there have been some missteps, as I said before old habits die hard, I am proud of my progress so far.

For the past few years I have hung with a select group of people.  I am moving on these people were cool to show me how to turn up Atlanta style and move around different groups of people.  But I don’t feel that they were long term. I didn’t feel like they made me want or a need to be better; they just made me want different things. With the ending of an era comes the beginning of a new one.  I feel like the last two years in Atlanta have been a transitioning phase for me. I have become more of who I want to to be in the last 6 months.

The bad habits of the past are hard to break but I am always in process, like the rest of humanity.  I am learning from my mistakes and correcting them instead of justifying them. I am being self reliant and resourceful.  I am learning to be mine before I am anyone elses.  Looking out for myself and learning how to be alone and still, instead of having a constant companion and always on the go.  By the March of 2015 I will be completely rid of the people who don’t serve a positive purpose.  So by June which is my birthday month I will be on track for my birthday


New Phase better me.

Top Things People Can Miss me with in 2015

A wise and very clever person once said “Miss me with that Bullshit“  Those are my sentiments for many situations in 2014 that I experienced. so these are the thing people can Miss me with in 2015.

Miss me with the Fake Friends– I have never people a person with a large circle.  As a matter of fact my friend situation remains standing for long periods of time.  Small talk and a petty drama are not my things so I try to keep my acquaintance to a minimum.  The thing is when you move to a new city making true friends is a challenge.  I have these people that I recognize but don’t really know, or remember their names for that matter, or people who feel that know me but aren’t not what I would consider a friend.  2016 will be about building lasting friendships.

Miss me if I’m your 2nd choice– I am not, nor will I ever be, a person that will unnecessarily be the 2nd choice in any situation.  If you have other options that suit you pursue them.

Miss me if you have girlfriend–  I am not, nor do I condone, sidechick behavior.  I will never like a person so much that I will be their side chick.

Miss me with the fake wealth-  Don’t lie on your wallet or bank account if you don’t have it and can’t afford don’t fake it.  It’s cool to stunt now and then but will buy bottles 3 days a week and then looking for a handout the other 4 days is just stupid.

Miss me if you don’t give a fuck about anything–  I have found that I have a limited amount of fucks to give on any given day but at my age it is time to start giving a few fucks about shit.  When you don’t care you don’t react or plan.  I need people around me who are planning and thinking about their future.  I am tired of these “IGAF” ass people.  Like it’s so much to care about when you don’t it shows how immature you are.  When you choose not to care you choose to not be a part of the solution.

Miss me if you’re wasting time-  I am done wasting time.  It’s time to get to the point.  I want to be on the road to settle down with person I enjoy and Love. Miss me with the let’s hang out and see where it goes.  Miss me with the I’m not looking anything serious sentiments.  I am not here for any of it.


Miss me with the New Year New Me- 
The New Year may inspire you for a few months at best.  Let’s talk in the spring about your progress.

Homie, Lover, Friend: Loving him

This is an Ode to the person I have always felt my best self around, he calls me on my bullshit and I listen to him; he is one of my favorite people.  I Love you to pieces and if we were never together again I would be happy to revel in your happiness because that is what I want most for you.  To be joyful and live the fullest life possible, because the way that I Love you is more than romantic. It is intimate and unique and it makes us friends.  I often say that friendship is one of the most sacred relationships to have and if you can be friends with someone the possibilities of that relationship are endless.  You are my friend and one I hold in my heart and would give a piece of my soul.  I Love you in ways that I have never been able to explain because it is a Love that has more interest in your happiness than your romantic companionship.  It is a Love that does not beg to be by your side because that may not be my place in your life.  It is a free Love that somehow makes my heart smile at you and for you.  My Love for you is not interested in reciprocation, it has existed regardless of how you feel about me because it is pure and true.

You are the perfect a ending to a great book and you are my prototype. Although being that  I do not hold you selfishly close to me because my Love for you is not selfish.  It will not allow me to selfishly chase you because it respects your choices and  trusts your heart. It is in this that I recognize that we may never be more that we are right now and that is my friend.