Rules and Realities

There is no such thing a s friends with benefits- Once you have sex with someone its all benefits, friendship is completely dead.  DON’T kid yourself by thinking you’re friends.  If he does extra things besides blow your back out it’s because he likes you, or he may even be a good person who gives a shit.  But friendship is non existent.

You may not have to be a self starter but it imperative to be self finisher- If you are having random casual sex you learn that it is an Olympic race to the finish and by finish I mean cum…  The person who cums first wins. At the end of the day my orgasm is my concern his is his.

The guy you’re fucking wants to thinks he’s the only guy you’re fucking- I think that is self explanatory.

Disappointed??? Ithappens- As in all areas of life your reality may not match your expectations. Just because he is sexy from across the room does not mean he will live up to your fantasy.  Sometimes even after his best efforts and fancy tricks you will be less than satisfied.

If you let him he will treat you like a heaux- Pussy is POWER.  How you  allow someone to treat you after you have sex with them is the basis of your relationship.  I don’t subscribe to the heaux mentality but I know guys who think that because I felt like having sex with them once I am now their booty call girl.  The easiest way to change this is to not be available. If he calls don’t answer and if he texts don’t respond.  Sex happens on my terms when I feel like it. Unless I am receiving an actual paycheck from a person I not on call for anyone.  Most of all feel no shame, if you are shamed of doing something you shouldn’t do it.

Size matters, but not really- Ok so size matters to a point but I have had better sex with a smaller dicked man than ones with very memorable sized cock.  I am not suggesting that I wasn’t satisfied with both but chemistry and skill is much more valuable than size.

Be a freak but know your boundaries- I like different things with different guys. however one may know me as a straight freak and another may know me as just a good fuck.  That is because everyone can’t handle everything.  I do what I feel comfortable with who I feel comfortable doing.

I’m not one for fetish shit-  So I push my boundaries but I don’t like too much of any given thing.  Fetish guys are fun but when he asks you if he can jack off while you model shoes in an Elsa costume it gets a little weird.

If you deal with ain’t shit guy you will get ain’t shit results-  Choose who you fuck wisely. I know there are some people who believe in this double standard that I choose to completely ignore in every way so I date and fuck guys who are open minded enough to do the same. Being a woman who has had A LOT of casual sex has not hindered my ability to find people who want to be in a serious committed relationships with me.

Morals and values are important- I joke about having loose morals when it comes to sex, but I and very comfortable with  who I am.  I have boundaries I will never cross and values that I don’t compromise under any circumstance.  Who you choose to have sex with and the reason behind it are you business, and it does not define who you are. Only you can choose to be the type of person you want to be.

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Opinions are like orgasms…. What I’ve learned from having Loose Morals.

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For the most part this has been my motto since I was smart enough to not give a shit about people’s opinions, especially when their opinion pertains to my vagina and what I choose to do with it.  I always simultaneously cringe and evil laugh when people insist that every sexual experience you have is a spiritual and emotional mixing of souls.  Because my morals are loose and my pussy is always tight there have been some hard learned lessons along the way; the biggest lesson has been about other people’s opinions.

Who I have sex with is my business and it’s best to keep it that way.  Unfortunately not everyone will give less fucks than I do, and the thing is, although I don’t have many to give about other peoples opinions. However eventually they will be encountered so I had to learn how to deal with them and not be ashamed or feel belittled.

There is a certain level of freedom that comes with being self realized.  I have learned to not hold on to people too tightly, people who genuinely like will do so regardless.  True friends will tell YOU when you’re wrong or sloppy, they will not tell everyone else you’re wrong or sloppy.  Being able to have friends around is very good and keeps you grounded as well as balanced.  You have to be able to be a popular acquaintance and a rare friend, many people will know of you and few will actually know you.

Sex is, to some people, a very intimate experience which is true some of the time.  I think that is important to be comfortable with the people you sleep with and comfortable with your decision after.  My best friend is not a person who can have detached sex for pleasure and she doesn’t, but that doesn’t make every experience for her a spiritual one. I do not think that she is any less liberated than me I just think that she mentally responds to things differently.  There are guys who have these same feelings and I know for a fact women have more sex than guys. Which is part of the reasons guys are so judgmental about body count… Oh yea if someone asks for a body count RUN.  It’s very immature to even care about that at this point, we should be more worried about protection and testing frequency.

The double standard is real but people will only treat you how you allow them to.  I have run into some sticky situations in group settings but I have never once felt that I am less than anyone or that I had done something wrong.  Carrying shame for things you have done that don’t negatively affect people is wrong.  Letting people treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable is wrong; demanding that people respect you is not.  I have ran into guys I slept with while out with a new guy and I speak and keep moving because I am not easy nor am I doing anything wrong.  I am proud to say that I am cordial to majority of the people I’ve dealt with and they respect each other. Being around more than one guy you’ve been with in the same place at the same time is taboo,  I don’t really know why but being shameful brings shame.

Test the merchandise.  The worst thing you can have is buyers remorse.  If you’re not into it leave.  I do it for fun even, just get up and leave.  Before clothes come off if you’re not into it don’t go through with it. If you straddle him and don’e feel anything through his clothes, TRUST ME get up and leave; unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Do your thing, respect yourself, and demand other people respect you.

Sexpectations: Questionable morals and high standards

When seeing someone I am not a picky chick.  Actually I am more of the the “respect  my space” type.  I enjoy being alone and being in my own little world however I do expect sex on demand and not lazy sex either; I want to be satisfied every time.  Dodging relationships has even become somewhat of an art form for me.  My sexpectations have become quite high as I get older; there is no need to waste time on bad sex I don’t care how great of a catch you seem to be.  Guys with the best stats have the biggest egos to stroke.  The funny thing is I think women are having more sex than men or at the very least women are settling for bad sex with good guys.

I tend to have a 3 time rule.  If I’m just trying to get off and we just met, if it’s bad I’m immediately done.  If I semi like him and want to know him better there will be a round deux, however if it is mediocre and I lose interest after that’s it.  Round 3 is reserved for the guys who have earned it.  I like them and although they are not laying it down how I like, maybe we can work on it. Round three is the last ditch effort to find the rhythm that should be there.   It is the hail Mary for me, but as with all hail Mary’s performance is key.  There are no do over’s, it’s him and the odds that are seeming to stacking against him.

So what are my expectations?

1.) Be thoughtful- Don’t be so caught up in your pleasure you forget about mine. I have walked out on people for this before. Yes he was mid stroke when I got up and went home.

2.) Be open minded- I once slept with a guy who wanted to have sex in the same positions in the bed all the time.  I didn’t get it, we would start on the couch and end up in the bed.  If I tried to have sex with in one position somehow he would want to get in the same old position. When I asked him WTF he responded that’s what he liked.  I was done.  I understand having tried and true things, but you have to willing and comfortable with trying other stuff.

3.) Know your stroke- Every man has different stroke but we are at the age where I think you should know what works for you. Stroke is just as, if not more, important than size. Know how to work what you got.

4.) Know your strengths- I blame women for this men not knowing their strengths because women tend to laugh about weaknesses with their bff’s while letting this man form terrible habits.  I know that what works for one doesn’t work for everyone but there are general rules. Like don’t use your teeth.  The difference between nibbles and bites.

5.) Don’t expect me to be a porn star-  I have been known to do porn staresque things and have a try anything once attitude.  I have limits respect them.

Ending up on Maury is Easier Than You Think

TV Maury Povich

****Disclaimer: Always practice Safe Sex.  Nobody will protect you better than you****

When you have 3 amazing sex partners that you vibe with, trust, and don’t have easy access to, the rules of overlap go out the window because you don’t know when you will get the opportunity to have some for the best sex of your life. Sex the way God himself intended it to be. This is a post about how my carefree reckless almost ended in  a classic Maury episode.

There are 3 men well maybe 4 now I have on again off again, complicated by distance, and simple realities relationships with.  Although I could possibly be with any of these men in a healthy meaningful relationship for one reason or another I enjoy a safe emotional distance and physical distance from all of them.

The biggest reason for the aforementioned dysfunctional relations is distance non of them live in my city.  I live in Atlanta but finding a person you want to entertain let alone have sex with here, is like seeing an invisible unicorn. So with that being said when I get to experience the familiar I take full advantage of the occasion.

Week 1: Best Lover/Friend

OMG he is at the airport getting a car to my place.  “Surprise I wanted to see you and you said you weren’t doing shit this weekend.”  Of course I oblige this is the man who told me to get the hell out of my old city and try something new.  The guy who saw my potential and continues to.  We talk about everything and spend hours on the phone once every other week. So two bottles of wine, one very stimulating conversation later he says the condom broke…. “Why would you buy Durex you remember what happened last year?” I ask in a panic “That’s what they had in the airport.”  We both laugh and don’t really think twice about it.

Week 2.5:  Possible Love of my life/Possible future Fiance

He makes a planned well in advance visit to see me for the weekend.  This man could has the most potential to be my future husband and he is actually open to the idea.  We haven’t used condoms in years.  The sex was great and the Morning After Pill was bought.  However I am not sure if I took that pill fast enough or if it would even matter because of the week before.

Week 3: Never going away college fling

This man has been dicking me down longer than the other two and we have always been at each other’s beck and call. So when he invites me on a business trip I go; like I have any other time I was available to do so. I pack a bag, catch the flight and have an amazing time wherever we end up.  We always use condoms since there was that whole chlamydia thing in college; we learned our lessons so no worries, we don’t take those chances.  But somehow in the middle of all the passion, fun, dancing and vodka somehow we ran out of condoms. First of all, we both brought condoms so how is this possible???? Second, when they say alcohol lowers your inhibitions, please believe them.  As we continued our weekend together we choose to employ the pull out method; which by the the way is very effective when done correctly. But this is a true gamble for me given my recent sexcapades. But the sex was just A-MAZ-ING.

Two weeks and one ovulation later I am 2 days late… No biggie Plan B does that.

Three and four days late was a breeze life carried on a usual.

By day seven I was worried. In my naivety I had questioned all the women looking for their babies fathers on Maury. You should always know, or at least I thought… My life and my very own Maury episode was on repeat in my daydreams and nightmares,  I could only imagine trying to explain this to anyone; after all I am not seeing anyone seriously and now I have 3 possible baby daddies. My future Love of my life and 2 non committal dysfunctional on again off agains.  I couldn’t be pregnant by any of these men, a baby is not in my life plan and my mom told me to slow down a long time ago.  I finally took a test and it was negative. I wish that were a sign but I don’t feel any normal symptoms of a cycle. I make an appointment at the OBGYN.  I need answers.

On the 10th day a sigh of relief my Aunt Flow decided to finally make a visit.  I was so happy to have a cycle I didn’t want to put in a tampon… but I did.  Now this doesn’t void out the doctor I need different type of test results.

Simple tricks to avoid the Dick

I am very pro sex. I don’t attach my emotions to every sexual encounter and I typically do with my vagina and other privater parts as I please. However there is a part of the female community that likes to withhold sex until they feel the person they are with is worth the effort, and after a few less than stellar encounters I completely understand why.  I have been trying to figure out what I can add this conversation and this is what I came up with.  So if you find yourself trying to hold out this one is for you.  If you can think of more please add them to the comment section.

1. GO OUT:  It does not have  to be some extravagant over the top activity every time.  It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge.  If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.

2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build.  I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.

3. Terrible Panties:  The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own.  Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs.   Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.

4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex.  OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???”  I say hold up.  I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.

5. Don’t focus on his sexy:  There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy,  I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.

Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

Email Response:

What is Sex Positive and are you using that term to justify being a slut/hoe???

Oh wow….  I see you didn’t leave this in the comments so I am going to post this answer as well as email it to you.  Sex positive is an ideology.  There was a link in the original post but you can use this one.

Sex positivity does not dictate quantity, it does not suggest that in order to be sex positive you have to be promiscuous. Sex positivity is the idea that I choose to sexually express myself how I see fit without the constraints placed on my behavior by society.  To some that may mean promiscuity but to me it means quality.  But lets face it in order to know what you like you have to try things and people out.  I am open to trying new things and push my sexual boundaries, as long as I am comfortable with the person involved and the activity.  It’s does not mean that I must try everything with everyone but to simply push the limits of my idea of pleasure.  Let’s say for instance I am comfortable with BDSM with Guy A, but not so comfortable with Guy B, because Guy B takes a little too much pleasure in my pain (SM), while Guy A is more enticed by the control (BD).  I am not suggesting that that I don’t recognize how this can impact my reputation.  However being mature enough to understand the consequences of behaviors that society deems unacceptable is a part of everyone’s life.  I feel that  what I do with a partner(s) is not other people’s business; with that being said I do not consider myself a slut or hoe.  I hope that clears it up.