For the most part this has been my motto since I was smart enough to not give a shit about people’s opinions, especially when their opinion pertains to my vagina and what I choose to do with it. I always simultaneously cringe and evil laugh when people insist that every sexual experience you have is a spiritual and emotional mixing of souls. Because my morals are loose and my pussy is always tight there have been some hard learned lessons along the way; the biggest lesson has been about other people’s opinions.
Who I have sex with is my business and it’s best to keep it that way. Unfortunately not everyone will give less fucks than I do, and the thing is, although I don’t have many to give about other peoples opinions. However eventually they will be encountered so I had to learn how to deal with them and not be ashamed or feel belittled.
There is a certain level of freedom that comes with being self realized. I have learned to not hold on to people too tightly, people who genuinely like will do so regardless. True friends will tell YOU when you’re wrong or sloppy, they will not tell everyone else you’re wrong or sloppy. Being able to have friends around is very good and keeps you grounded as well as balanced. You have to be able to be a popular acquaintance and a rare friend, many people will know of you and few will actually know you.
Sex is, to some people, a very intimate experience which is true some of the time. I think that is important to be comfortable with the people you sleep with and comfortable with your decision after. My best friend is not a person who can have detached sex for pleasure and she doesn’t, but that doesn’t make every experience for her a spiritual one. I do not think that she is any less liberated than me I just think that she mentally responds to things differently. There are guys who have these same feelings and I know for a fact women have more sex than guys. Which is part of the reasons guys are so judgmental about body count… Oh yea if someone asks for a body count RUN. It’s very immature to even care about that at this point, we should be more worried about protection and testing frequency.
The double standard is real but people will only treat you how you allow them to. I have run into some sticky situations in group settings but I have never once felt that I am less than anyone or that I had done something wrong. Carrying shame for things you have done that don’t negatively affect people is wrong. Letting people treat you in a way that makes you uncomfortable is wrong; demanding that people respect you is not. I have ran into guys I slept with while out with a new guy and I speak and keep moving because I am not easy nor am I doing anything wrong. I am proud to say that I am cordial to majority of the people I’ve dealt with and they respect each other. Being around more than one guy you’ve been with in the same place at the same time is taboo, I don’t really know why but being shameful brings shame.
Test the merchandise. The worst thing you can have is buyers remorse. If you’re not into it leave. I do it for fun even, just get up and leave. Before clothes come off if you’re not into it don’t go through with it. If you straddle him and don’e feel anything through his clothes, TRUST ME get up and leave; unless you’re into that sort of thing.
Do your thing, respect yourself, and demand other people respect you.
I know I’ve been a terrible blogger this year life happened please forgive me…
I am the first to admit that I play up my sex appeal on a fairly regular basis and at times it gets me into sticky situations (mind out of the gutter, not that kind of sticky, or at least not always). Funny thing is growing up I never felt sexy or particularly attractive. I knew that I wasn’t ugly and that I could flirt any guy into submission but I never thought much about it. I attributed it to being charming and smarter than most guys I came across.
During college I discovered that there is something about the promise of sex; even if it’s not guaranteed I learned that the art flirting was not only fun but it was gift that not every women possessed, but you have to be careful with the illusion; knowing who to play this game with was key. But now that I am in my late 20’s (OMG late 20’s), living the young professional single black women life, I am still learning it’s like the rules change with every life milestone.
I know people who date for marriage but I find myself less interested in marriage and more interested in the thrill of getting to know someone new. I live alone in the city of Atlanta and meeting men has become somewhat of hobby.I don’t know if it’s because I have this independence and very few fucks to give or it’s the fact that I, the defender of true Love, has a put true love on the back burner and decided to toy with lust for a while.
What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet. What do you do? I really don’t have an answer for this. This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.
I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances. I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship. Honestly you can only spend so much time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.
Friends with benefits should have an expiration date. We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt. At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes. But how do you just stop??? It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then. But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together. But there is this wall…
The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked. All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.
What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play. The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.
As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you, I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn. My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.
While aimlessly surfing blog sites recently I’ve noticed a new trend; BDSM is a new movement. For those of you who are new to this, as am I, BDSM means Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Masochism. It is a way to describe your sexual preferences; and from the looks of this, these preferences fall within a wide range of activities from being tied up (who hasn’t done that), to being completely dominated and even humiliated. In the wake of being bombarded with this new debate I begin to wonder if we are over sexed??? So much so, that regular sex doesn’t work for us anymore. Then I had an internal debate about what normal means, or perhaps we are so comfortable with our sexuality that we just put it all out there… I digress.
BDSM seems too trendy right now and while I am one for something rough here and there, as well as a firm grip on my hair; I hesitate to join this new movement. I guess the irony in that is a that I like to be dominated and I’ve detailed that here. Trust me I am not knocking it because some of these activities seem basic, even though some seem a little too far left for me. I guess my hesitation is that once you start to put labels on your behaviors you put yourself in this box. I think my sexual desires, as with most people, vary from experience to experience and person to person. If you declare that you like it only this way you close your self off to the possibilities. Another problem I have with it is, just because you have been tied up or spanked a few times doesn’t mean you are about that life; nor does reading “50 shades of Grey” qualify you to be a Dom. I mean what are you going to do when you say this to a person and they pull out a whip, a ball gag and then lead you to their soundproof basement?
I would like to end this by saying I respect everyone’s decision to live and enjoy their lives however they choose, this is a judgment free zone. I would just like for us to be more conscious of the boxes we are trying to jump into. It does a disservice to the people who are actually serious about certain lifestyles when we jump on the bandwagon and spread ignorant perspectives. Some things are not to be taken lightly and while this may not be one of them, just be sure that when you put yourself in a box… you actually fit in it.
These are just a few tips that might make life more interesting for all of you who may be stuck in rut.
- Kiss. Gently bite his lip when kissing. I’m not a big fan of tongue but some people are, so learn how to incorporate it correctly. All people aren’t good kissers and if your partner isn’t take the lead.
- When giving oral, swallow and after that keep going for about 30 seconds or longer. He will Love you for it.
- When having sex if it’s not working for you, start by making minor adjustments such as limb placement. The minor changes can make a big difference.
- Forget breakfast have MORNING SEX, start your day off right.
- In public flirt with him like you’ve been wanting him all day. When you get home take advantage of the willing.
- Lay down on your stomach with your legs together and let him enter you from behind. This drives him wild every time.
- Many women leave the condom choices to the man, change this. Stroll down the condom aisle and buy some condoms that seem interesting to you. Just be sure they are the right size for your partner. I strongly suggest buying the thinnest condoms you can find.
- Do Kegels throughout the day. They are by far my most important form of exercise, to me. Tighten your pelvic floor muscles hold for 20 seconds, repeat 3-5 times. I usually do this about 3 times a day. If you have a lot of sex it helps keep you tight in all the right places. No one knows I’m doing it and not only does it exercise your vaginal muscles but it helps your bladder too.
- Send a sexy pic of yourself when he least expects it. Does he have a meeting or conference? Is he out drinking with friends? Send him a pic just to show him what’s on your mind.
- Sound like your enjoying it but try to avoid sounding like you’re being killed. Have you ever watched porn on mute? Not the same effect, right? Well that’s because we like what we see to match what we hear. Moaning is a turn on, screaming like you’re being stabbed, for the most part, is not.
- Figure him out… Watch for his reaction this will tell you when you’re pushing the right buttons.
- Think outside of your box you might like more things than you think.
Is it to soon to talk about sex with a person you are trying to date or dating??? I think it depends. How soon do you plan on having sex with the person? Do you find yourself getting the urge to jump on top of them whenever you are together? If so, the you probably should probably sop reading this blog post, and talk about it. If not then it depends.
Sex is one of those sticky subjects. Should you be completely honest? Are they going to judge you? You don’t want to set up these expectations that you’re easy or amazing in bed but you don’t want to seem like a prude. More often than not we hint at the topic without having an open and honest conversation. You guys throw in a dirty joke here and there and then the next thing you know you are looking for your underwear in the dark trying to sneak out of someone’s house, and eventually you leave the underwear and get the heck out to avoid the awkward conversation that might follow. Don’t deny it, it’s OK because this is a judgement free zone. But all of this just happened and you have no idea what that person thinks about sex. Now I’m not suggesting that people start to talk about sex early on because I think early is changing in the minds of everyone; we are all moving at hyper speed. With the availability of constant communication and social networking you can find out far too much too early, and without asking.
Ok so what do I think… I think that it’s never too early to have the conversation and it’s never too early to do the deed. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to wait but if a person is genuinely interested in you they will want to know who you are, if you wait 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months. I’ve asked the guys that I know and they all seem to think that they don’t view a woman any differently based on the amount of time she makes him wait, it has more to do with how he felt about her before and where the relationship will go after that. The general consensus is that sex early will not hinder a relationship but it begs the question, “Do you do this with everyone?”. Of course there were variables like, was alcohol involved, how much time are we spending together, and when was the last time either of us had sex? But those questions didn’t change the ultimate answer.
It is very important to note that although I may have an “it’s just sex” attitude, I can recognize that sex does change things between people and we should respect that fact. So if you are going to have sex be ready for the consequences. This person may judge you on your performance or they may judge you because you were easy and maybe even lose respect for you, even in 2012 with a new sexual revolution going on. So be ready.
I would love to say that I’ve never had sex without a condom but damn it, I fucking hate condoms. I will say that I am very particular about who I choose to disregard my overall health with and who is worthy of the awesomeness that is unprotected sex. I don’t think anyone is worth my health or well being, but that’s not to implying that I don’t trust anyone enough to forgo the gift wrap. I never argue condoms for birth control in the case of women because I feel that all women not ready to have children should be on some form of birth control. I’ve also found that birth control can actually be a deterrent for condom use because well pregnancy is way more immediate than HIV and other STI’s won’t kill you if detected early.
Those of us who were blessed with sex education we know that condoms not only protect against STI’s and pregnancy they make great water balloons and banana covers. On a serious note who is worth your life, if it is not the person you are with then wrap it up. I have a friend who stashes condoms everywhere. I must say he is pretty clever too, never killing the mood to find one or fumbling to put it on; he has that shit down to a science.
- Guys be creative with the process put some fucking thought into it. Where are the possible places you might have sex and where can you stash the latex life rafts??? LOOK AT HER!!!! This is your only chance to not potentially end up on Maury. Do you really want any or anymore mini me’s running around?
- Ladies figure out how you can make putting a condom on fun or quick and be able to know the difference between condom sex and raw sex. His dick could have been anywhere, and by anywhere I mean everywhere but inside of you.
- Everyone we can’t blame other people for our actions or inactions at the end of the day we all decide our own fate one way or another.