A few weeks back I wrote this post. For those of you who didn’t read it it was about a guy I am involved with and how I felt like a side chick but there was no evidence of being one. So a few things have transpired since I wrote that. I found out that he is older than I initially thought, making him 13 years my senior not the 8 years I originally believed. Honestly it didn’t bother me. His age did not affect who he is it adds to somethings but I’m not 21 anymore and haven’t been for a long time. He has been married and divorced; but he has no children.
Well We had the talk and it made me question what I am looking for. I am comfortable with my relationship with him but I think a title gives you security. It defines obligations and sets boundaries, but the thing about title is it also creates expectations. While we are in the nameless shapeless gray area we are responsible for our expectations. This meaning we are not obligated to each others expectations. It does not mean that they don’t exist simply means we are not held accountable for disappointments. I know that is a cop out, but I felt that at the time I didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s feelings or anything else for that matter; and what guy wouldn’t want the perks of a relationship without the burden of the obligation.
I guess the more I evaluated this arrangement the more I felt it was becoming a a little silly. While we are responsible for our own feelings that does not exempt us from guilt. When you begin to feel guilty for disappointment or missteps, you have to move into another phase in the relationship. I think that is imperative to understand that no matter how hard we try or how distant we try to be when you begin to feel guilt and you begin to miss someone then you have fallen and we are at that point. The feeling of being a side chick was me rationalizing the emotional distance I was beginning to feel.
A few things came up in our talk.
My independence and Ambitions
He said that he feels like he only adds companionship to my life because I don’t need him for anything else and while he very much likes that I am that way, he struggles to find where he would fit other than where he already has. Is independence threatening for a man? While I was beginning to consider it a strength, I can understand how it can be daunting to add something to a person who seemingly has everything handled. So how do I balance my ambitions and goals with my personal life? As a man what would be his role?
We both have ties to exes and that is hard to balance when bringing in someone new to the picture. It is safe to say that these things may or may not have completely ended.
If we were to embark on a relationship what would that mean for us? Our age difference makes it difficult to determine if we are dating for marriage or for kicks. The fact that he has been married in the past puts certain pressure on him to decide if he would want to do that again and me staring down 30 puts me on the fast track to children if that’s what we wanted to do together. I know that the age thing may seem like nothing to some and and everything to others.
What I truly want
He posed a question that made me hesitate. “Do you want a relationship or do you want a relationship with me?” I had to think on that. I felt that sometimes that can be a valid question. Some people just want relationships. I wanted a relationship with him. It wasn’t a question of do I just want a relationship. The question has been do I like this person enough to just be with him. I felt that it was him; it wasn’t driven my loneliness or some lack of control that I began to feel.
I never thought the “The Talk” would become a deep debate about life , I just thought that either he was into me or he wasn’t. I am black and white on things like that but there are so many gray areas to consider I backed off. So the conclusion I came to is that we should just give each other some space. I think that I was given a lot of things to consider and down the line if it happens I would be happy to have him around.