My friends and I continuously have a conversation about the guys we keep around or need to find and have narrowed the list down to these guys who either have skills or resources. Being single does not mean you don’t entertain the idea of men being around; to me it means the men that are around serve a purpose. I guess the trick with this is which one are you going to sleep with, if any? I think that every single woman needs 3 men in her life that she can call on when needed a these are the guys you try not piss off because they can be hard to come by.
A Mechanic:If you have an older car this guy will always come in handy and if you have a newer car he will show you how to maintain it. A Mechanic is a must have to the rooster if you don’t know much about cars. This man will save you money in the long run by either doing repairs or not letting you get taken advantage of at a repair shop. If you don’t know a mechanic meet or find someone who does and get to know the mechanic. The trick with this relationship is that you should always pay him for his services if he does a repair and be very, very nice to him. You don’t want to piss off the mechanic, because cars are unpredictable and always break down at inopportune times. However if your dad or a family member is handy you may not need him.
Sleep with him? NO, you can’t mess this up with sex. Mechanics are like polar bears these days; hard to find. Besides you will probably wonder if his hands are clean..
A Tech Guy: Initially I thought a computer guy but I’m technology incompetent at times, so while I know the basics about computers, I know absolutely nothing about TVs, ipads, tablets, cameras or anything else that needs to be charged. I only use my phone for the basic functions. A tech guy comes in handy when your computer dies or tries to, when you want to buy a TV and hook it up, when you have questions or just to watch TV, because his TV and surround sound will be better than yours.
Sleep with him? Maybe. These guys are becoming more common if they don’t have an extensive knowledge of techy things they may know enough to be useful but not enough to be irreplaceable.
A Wallet:This guy is who people would consider your bottom. You may have been serious with him for a while but things didn’t work out but so when you need anything you can call him. He is the guy with extra money who supports you when you need it. I am not saying that you use him unnecessarily but he is a valuable resource so don’t abuse it. This is the guy you have to keep happy while maintaining your freedom and depending on the man it’s a balancing act because you have history so feelings are involved at times.
Sleep with him?You already have… If it doesn’t complicate things more, carry on. However you have to be mindful that more sex can make it messier than it probably already is. You need to keep him happy because he will be the one paying the mechanic and he may also serve as your tech guy.
I am very pro sex. I don’t attach my emotions to every sexual encounter and I typically do with my vagina and other privater parts as I please. However there is a part of the female community that likes to withhold sex until they feel the person they are with is worth the effort, and after a few less than stellar encounters I completely understand why. I have been trying to figure out what I can add this conversation and this is what I came up with. So if you find yourself trying to hold out this one is for you. If you can think of more please add them to the comment section.
1. GO OUT: It does not have to be some extravagant over the top activity every time. It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge. If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.
2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build. I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.
3. Terrible Panties: The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own. Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs. Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.
4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex. OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???” I say hold up. I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.
5. Don’t focus on his sexy: There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy, I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.
What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet. What do you do? I really don’t have an answer for this. This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.
I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances. I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship. Honestly you can only spend so much time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.
Friends with benefits should have an expiration date. We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt. At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes. But how do you just stop??? It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then. But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together. But there is this wall…
The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked. All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.
What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play. The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.
As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you, I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn. My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.
I am sex positive. I do not acknowledge or bare the shame that has been associated with my sex. I do not feel the pressure to repress any state of my being. I go after what I want, no matter what looks are given to me. I am sex positive because as a child I was called “fast” and “boy crazy”. I was lead to believe that there was something wrong with my sexuality, that it was a woman’s secret and a man’s right. I am sex positive because my ancestors were seen as and labeled hyper sexual as a way to excuse inhumane treatment; as a way to bare the same of another cultures lust. I feel that I have the right to express myself and my sex in whichever way I see fit. I do not believe in the slut and the walk of shame simply means that my night was better than yours. I do not acknowledge those who see me as loose, because while my “morals” may be dissolute, my vagina is resilient. I am sex positive because double standards are bullshit and I never divide my number by 2 and subtract 3. I am sex positive because you don’t have to be video vixen, stripper or groupie/jump-off to be sexual. There is nothing wrong with my sex. I am sex positive because bad girls have more fun, because there are so many things that you experience when you give less fucks about people’s opinions. I am sex positive because I trust myself and I know myself enough to know that sex is only one small part of who I am; it does not mold me into something or someone that I am not. I am sex positive because the women’s movement happened, because I live in a country where being sexy is great, but a women having lots of sex is not. Where we simultaneously frown on the veil and nudity. Where the dichotomy of acceptable and unacceptable is fluid but is always more strict on women. I am sex positive because above all else I am a women and not just a women, a black women who is sexy and smart enough to not be bound by the constraints placed on her sex.
Let me tell you guys a story about how good dick can make you reconsider if not lower some standards. So I was speaking with a good friend who has been dating a guy for awhile and she tells me after they have sex he always gets up and leaves According to him he doesn’t sleep well away from home. Me being the skeptical one jumps the conclusion that he has someone at home waiting. To me the only logical excuse to not sleep over the person’s house that you are dating and having sex with, is that you have to go home to someone else.
Now 2 weeks passes and he falls asleep laying next to her, she thinks that he is finally comfortable enough at her place to sleep there so she thinks it’s victory. She was seriously mistaking. The next morning she woke up to a soaked mattress, clearly confused because she was sleeping next to a grown man. When she wakes him, he explains to her that he never slept over because his bladder never fully developed as a child and he takes medication for that. However he cannot take the medication on days when he plans on drinking alcohol. Basically he occasionally wets the bed as an adult so he goes home and slips into some adult briefs just in case he has an accident.
I am trying to be polite and not condescending with this post because clearly this is a problem and it’s an embarrassing one at that, so no shade to him but I have to be honest….
So after laughing hysterically in disbelief, I asked was she going to continue seeing him because there is nothing sexy about sleeping next to a man in an adult sized pull-up and even less sexy is waking up in an adult sized urine puddle. She hesitates to answer and that is when I begin to worry because clearly she is really struggling with breaking it off… She breaks out with “but the dick is good”. 0_0 Are you serious? The dick being good is not an adequate reason, to me anyway, to date man with a child’s bladder. I understand that this is a real medical problem and maybe I am being too shallow but I like clean sheets and mattress that I have to steam clean only twice a year if I want. I honestly don’t understand not breaking it off immediately.
Am I being too critical? Personally I’ve never had dick good enough to make me consider staying in this type of situation.
My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way. There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility. The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall. The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them. Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction. Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it. The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them. Your elevated hormone level have tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.
The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay. It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone. I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week . It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years. They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore. I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe. Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her. He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce. Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship. I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.
The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way. The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way. I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be. Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.
All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over. We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so. But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a Fit.
I read Social Kenny’s Random Thought of the Day Post and had, as Oprah would say, and Ah Ha moment. I have more random thoughts than wise ones and thought these would be interesting topics of discussions instead of full on post. Thank you SK for the inspiration I am indebted to you for as long as I continue this column. So on to my first random thought of the day.
Some guys are pushy and not in a good way. Pushiness should be strategic and covert, at least when dealing with a women like me. There are very few people especially men that I let control any aspect of my life so to be ordered around is a turn off for me; unless you are him and in that case I will do whatever you tell me to do. And I digress, I think that men should be smarter than me I should not know if you only want to know what I feel like, at least pretend to be interested or be up front. I would much rather you be up front and honest or disappear afterwards, than to feel like you’re pushing me into bed; geez have a little finesse. Am I being unrealistic, maybe; but you can steal more kids with candy instead of pickles.
I enjoy reading your blog from time to and I would like to know your take on this. I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and I want to have sex with him but I don’t want things to change between us. Do you think there is a way to prevent this?
Umm sex is tricky. At a month into something I would think that you have a pretty good feel for this guy and what he thinks about sex, especially if you are thinking about doing it. If you think it will change things then don’t have sex with him; unless you want things to change. I am not a fan of 90 day rules or anything that places stringent terms on things like this because every situation is different. However I think if you want things to get serious you have to be strategic with your panties. I know it’s really messed up to say this but you make the guys you take serious wait, and all the others it doesn’t really matter.
In reality you have to do what feels right for you. Before having sex with anyone you should know their ideals in regards to protection, birth control and what happens if you guys slip up. If you don’t know these things then you should pump your brakes. Communication is key in any relationship so you should have this talk first. If you think this guy genuinely likes you and takes you serious then go for it, but if there are still doubts don’t.
From the sounds of this e-mail you have your doubts and maybe it has something to do with past experiences, so let me address that. If you have been wrong in the past about a man’s intentions then you need to have a serious conversation about that what his intentions are; guessing is never good for anyone. When having sex with a person you are pursuing a serious relationship with, you have to keep your expectations high for him even after you guys have sex; don’t become dicknotized. It is ok to bask in the a newness of the relationship without getting physical because getting to know someone is part of the fun, it may not be easy but it might be worth it. Also you have to remember that if it’s all good now you could have sex with him and be completely turned off, because not all dick is good dick. My advice is proceed with caution.
This position isn’t about mutual pleasure and enjoyment, like people claim. It is a competition. This is a challenge between lovers. If you’re winning, the other person won’t be able to focus well enough for you to enjoy the position. If you’re enjoying it then chances are you’re losing. If you’re both enjoying it then you both suck at oral.
While aimlessly surfing blog sites recently I’ve noticed a new trend; BDSM is a new movement. For those of you who are new to this, as am I, BDSM means Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Masochism. It is a way to describe your sexual preferences; and from the looks of this, these preferences fall within a wide range of activities from being tied up (who hasn’t done that), to being completely dominated and even humiliated. In the wake of being bombarded with this new debate I begin to wonder if we are over sexed??? So much so, that regular sex doesn’t work for us anymore. Then I had an internal debate about what normal means, or perhaps we are so comfortable with our sexuality that we just put it all out there… I digress.
BDSM seems too trendy right now and while I am one for something rough here and there, as well as a firm grip on my hair; I hesitate to join this new movement. I guess the irony in that is a that I like to be dominated and I’ve detailed that here. Trust me I am not knocking it because some of these activities seem basic, even though some seem a little too far left for me. I guess my hesitation is that once you start to put labels on your behaviors you put yourself in this box. I think my sexual desires, as with most people, vary from experience to experience and person to person. If you declare that you like it only this way you close your self off to the possibilities. Another problem I have with it is, just because you have been tied up or spanked a few times doesn’t mean you are about that life; nor does reading ”50 shades of Grey” qualify you to be a Dom. I mean what are you going to do when you say this to a person and they pull out a whip, a ball gag and then lead you to their soundproof basement?
I would like to end this by saying I respect everyone’s decision to live and enjoy their lives however they choose, this is a judgment free zone. I would just like for us to be more conscious of the boxes we are trying to jump into. It does a disservice to the people who are actually serious about certain lifestyles when we jump on the bandwagon and spread ignorant perspectives. Some things are not to be taken lightly and while this may not be one of them, just be sure that when you put yourself in a box… you actually fit in it.
I am a 20-something African American women; living a non married life with no children. Two things in life I haven’t quite figured out; where I want to go or how I’m getting there. But I know who I am and will have a lot of fun along the way.
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