Simple tricks to avoid the Dick

I am very pro sex. I don’t attach my emotions to every sexual encounter and I typically do with my vagina and other privater parts as I please. However there is a part of the female community that likes to withhold sex until they feel the person they are with is worth the effort, and after a few less than stellar encounters I completely understand why.  I have been trying to figure out what I can add this conversation and this is what I came up with.  So if you find yourself trying to hold out this one is for you.  If you can think of more please add them to the comment section.

1. GO OUT:  It does not have  to be some extravagant over the top activity every time.  It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge.  If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.

2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build.  I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.

3. Terrible Panties:  The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own.  Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs.   Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.

4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex.  OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???”  I say hold up.  I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.

5. Don’t focus on his sexy:  There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy,  I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.

Being upset is a side effect of giving a fuck.

I have  tendency to not be upset, I typically just move on to the next without questions or very much thought… Call it my flaw of indifference.  Typically I’m indifferent the early stages of things, I think that we should all be a little indifferent because everyone you meet is not going to like you. It is interesting that people get so wrapped so fast.  Typically I always have one foot out the door and a couple of players warmed up, just in case.

The way I know that I really like a guy is when I care about how he feels and I’m upset or disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do.  In that moment I think to myself “Damn it he’s got me”.  There is one person in particular that I try my damnedest to be great for.  Not because I’m not great anyway, but he brings out the best in me.  He makes me want to be everything I never thought I wanted to be.  So one time when he didn’t call me back, like he said he would, I was upset and then I knew I gave a more than a few fucks because I actually ran through all of the things he could be doing besides talking to me.  In reality he was asleep and I was wondering what he was doing but of course I didn’t call (I didn’t want to seem too pressed).  Under a normal circumstance I would have forgot he was supposed to call back or not thought twice about it.

In short, I try to only waste energy on people I like I don’t over analyze or agonize over the ones around for entertainment and company.  I like doing random things and I need people around who want to do it with me.  You have to decide when to care. With careful control over your impulsive emotions you too can seem not only heartless but can become indifferent too.  I know someone is reading this like what good is a chick who doesn’t get upset.  People think that women need to have emotions so men can have reactions.  So to you I say the fact that I’m single says a lot about how I treat these hoes…  Not saying that I haven’t been in a meaningful fulfilling relationship. I just try to put potential relationship energy into people who I could potentially be in a relationship with. So please be careful because being upset directly correlates to giving a fuck.

A Few Simple Dating Tips….

 Don’t sell yourself short but don’t be ridiculous… You have know what you are willing to accept and what you’re not.  If you are casually dating this could mean a few ignored texts, or a couple flakes.  Whatever you do, don’t sell yourself short. But realize when you are being ridiculous.  When you meet someone new, respect the fact that you are a new addition and understand that they had a life before you.

Figuring out if you like someone may take more than one date… Sometimes you vibe with people from the beginning and other times it has to build up.  I think first dates are for you to simply see is if you like the person’s swag and vibe.  I feel this way because first dates are usually awkward for people who aren’t into  a) dating and b)  aren’t comfortable with strangers.  I am always leery of men who talk too fast and too smooth because they will tell you what they think you want to hear.

Don’t ignore the red flags…. Sometimes there are huge red flags like 4 children and 3 baby mothers.  Or never worked  a job for more than a few months at a time.  Both of these things scream irresponsible to me.  Sometimes there are more subtle ones like his phone continuously rings or he’s distracted. He seems in a rush or he asks questions that are too personal.  No matter how comfortable you feel, a person who doesn’t want to take their time to get to know is not worth your time.

Do your research…  I think social media is great, I don’t actually use it, but it is great.  If a person wants to put themselves out there for the world to see, it is your duty as part of the world to see them.  I think it’s ok to check facebook, twitter and instagram; as long as you’re not stalking their pages for updates and checking out their friends pages with malice intent.  They show a lot about a person’s character and with that said can tell you a lot.  But you can only take that stuff for face value because we can all be be whomever we choose on the internet; I know y’all watch Catfish.

Don’t get physical on the first date and don’t rush into the sex talk…. When you start to talk about sex the next step is usually sex.  If you like him make him; wait.  If you want to see if he is serious make him wait.  Now if you are not interested in being serious and are just trying to have fun why waste time dating?  I had a friend who I didn’t waste time dating, we hung out usually in the house with alcohol watching The Wire reruns.  We had ok conversation that was never too personal and great sex.  We didn’t dilute the situation with extravagant dates.  If we went to hang out it was at the strip club… You get the picture?

Know what you want...  So many of us, and by us I mean women but so many men too, don’t know what we want.  Are you looking for a serious relationship?  Are you dating for fun or marriage?  Do you just want to get your back blown out after the club or would you like to maybe take him or her home to your parents one day? If you know where you want to go then you know what kind of person you want to invest your time in. Don’t waste time on Mr “Girl like your fat ass” when you are looking for Boaz.

Have something else to occupy your mind or at least your time… I’ve done it, I think we all have.  You had a great date and you obsess about what happens next…. My advice is get a hobby that is not dating.  You should not be so wrapped up with your dating life that you have nothing else to look forward to. Mainly because if it is going to get serious it takes time and effort to incorporate another person in your life. Also because you don’t want to seem or feel pressed (i.e. Desperate).

Have fun and be Open Minded… Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. Just have fun with it and keep an open mind.  What you want may not come in the package you thought it would come in.  If someone wants to do something you’re not comfortable with because it’s unfamiliar, I say do it. If they want you to dress up as a Red Power Ranger; RUN.  Try new things, within reason.  It may work to your advantage. Just have fun and keep an open mind, you may surprise yourself.

Be Yourself… Don’t try to be anyone other than who you really are; if you fake it, it will not work. I once told a guy I was  into comics and I didn’t know anything about comic. It blew up in my face when I found out he actually had all of his comics from childhood and I asked him what was difference between Marvel and DC. If you pretend it will catch up with you.  Be who you are if he likes you, he likes you, if he doesn’t someone else will.

Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

But the Dick was Good: Wet Beds and the Sex Deprived.

Let me tell you guys a story about how good dick can make you reconsider if not lower some standards.  So I was speaking with a good friend who has been dating a guy for awhile and she tells me after they have sex he always gets up and leaves According to him he doesn’t sleep well away from home.  Me being the skeptical one jumps the conclusion that he has someone at home waiting.  To me the only logical excuse to not sleep over the person’s house that you are dating and having sex with, is that you have to go home to someone else.

Now 2 weeks passes and he falls asleep laying next to her, she thinks that  he is finally comfortable enough at her place to sleep there so she thinks it’s victory.  She was seriously mistaking.  The next morning she woke up to a soaked mattress, clearly confused because she was sleeping next to a grown man.    When she wakes him, he explains to her that he never slept over because his bladder never fully developed as a child and he takes medication for that.  However he cannot take the medication on days when he plans on drinking alcohol.  Basically he occasionally wets the bed as an adult so he goes home and slips into some adult briefs just in case he has an accident.

I am trying to be polite and not condescending with this post because clearly this is a problem and it’s an embarrassing one at that, so no shade to him but I have to be honest….

So after laughing hysterically in disbelief, I asked was she going to continue seeing him because there is nothing sexy about sleeping next to a man in an adult sized pull-up and even less sexy is waking up in an adult sized urine puddle.  She hesitates to answer and that is when I begin to worry because clearly she is really struggling with breaking it off… She breaks out with “but the dick is good”.  0_0 Are you serious? The dick being good is not an adequate reason, to me anyway, to date man with a child’s bladder.  I understand that this is a real medical problem and maybe I am being too shallow but I like clean sheets and mattress that I have to steam clean only twice a year if I want.  I honestly don’t understand not breaking it off immediately.

Am I being too critical? Personally I’ve never had dick good enough to make me consider staying in this type of situation.

You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a FIt

My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way.  There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility.  The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall.  The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them.  Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction.   Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it.  The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them.  Your elevated hormone level have tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked  from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.

The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay.  It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone.  I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week .  It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years.  They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore.  I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe.  Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her.  He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce.  Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship.  I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.

The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way.  The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way.  I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be.  Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.

All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over.  We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so.  But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get  and You Don’t Throw a Fit.

30 Day Challenge Day 4

Day 4: Your Opinion Of Cheating in Relationships

It happens.  I think that there are times when you walk and times when you don’t.  I think that if you Love the person you forgive them, if they’ve earned it and if you think that you won’t become completely paranoid and can move on.  However if they cheat on you again you have to accept all responsibility for however you feel because you choose to stay in that situation.

Do all people cheat? NO.

Are all cheaters bad people? NO.

If someone cheats does that mean they don’t love the person they are with?  I think people do the most fucked up shit to the people they Love.

I do feel that cheating can be detrimental to any relationship, it completely changes the blind trust you have in someone but we all have to go through these things to learn and grow; whether you are cheating or being cheated on.

 

 

 

30 Day Challenge Day 3

Day 3: Describe how you deal with relationships.

 

Communicate, understand, be myself and forgive.  I do these things.

Communication is an important aspect of any relationship. Communicating clearly and effectively is the key to making a relationship work unfortunately men  and women communicate differently, as well as, individuals communicating differently.  I think if you can find your rhythm in terms of communication, you might be half way there in any relationship.

Understanding is simply being empathetic.  If you can understand where your partner is coming from you can settle a lot of things a lot faster.  Understanding a persons history and why they are the way they are is very important.  The thing is sometimes we get so caught up in trying to be right and prove points that we forget to be empathetic so I try to always be understanding.  However there are times when I fail miserably.

I am always myself and I never apologize for it. unfortunately not all people can deal with this but for those who can it will be one hell of a ride. I think that you can never be happy in a relationship if you try to change the essence of who you are; you have to Love you. Never being sorry for doing things that make you, you.

I believe in forgiveness,  and by forgiveness I don’t think you can ever truly think that whatever hurt you in the past will not happen again and be done by the same person.  I think you have to be accepting of a person’s shortcomings and thus forgive them.  You can’t carry the hurt with you.  To me forgiveness is about being able to look past the hurt and find the joy again. It’s about loving someone in spite of and letting go of the hope that the past could be any different.  The experience shapes us into the people we are meant to become so you have to able to forgive; even if the relationship falls apart.

My first E-mail Question YAY!!!

Everything L and L,

I enjoy reading your blog from time to and I would like to know your take on this.  I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and I want to have sex with him but I don’t want things to change between us.  Do you think there is a way to prevent this?

Umm sex is tricky.   At a month into something I would think that you have a pretty good feel for this guy and what he thinks about sex, especially if you are thinking about doing it. If you think it will change things then don’t have sex with him; unless you want things to change.  I am not a fan of 90 day rules or anything that places stringent terms on things like this because every situation is different.  However I think if you want things to get serious you have to be strategic with your panties.  I know it’s really messed up to say this but you make the guys you take  serious wait, and all the others it doesn’t really matter.

In reality you have to do what feels  right for you. Before having sex with anyone you should know their ideals in regards to protection,  birth control and what happens if you guys slip up. If you don’t know these things then you should  pump your brakes.  Communication is key in any relationship so you should have this talk first. If you think this guy genuinely likes you and takes you serious then go for it, but if there are still doubts don’t.

From the sounds of this e-mail you have your doubts and maybe it has something to do with past experiences, so let me address that.  If you have been wrong in the past about a man’s intentions then you need to have a serious conversation about that what his intentions are; guessing is never good for anyone.  When having sex with a person you are pursuing a serious relationship with, you have to keep your expectations high for him even after you guys have sex; don’t become dicknotized. It is ok to bask in the a newness of the relationship without getting physical because getting to know someone is part of the fun, it may not be easy but it might be worth it. Also you have to remember that if it’s all good now you could have sex with him and be completely turned off, because not all dick is good dick. My advice is proceed with caution.

“I’m Not Here For That”: Things I’m Not here For When it comes to Men

For those of you who don’t know, not being here for something means: under these circumstances this is outside of your standard of behavior or normal activity.  Now that this is clear, I AM NOT HERE FOR…

Being a mother substitute- I Love to take care of the man I am with but, I want that man to be a man.  Not needing me but wanting me around. A man who Loves his Mama is great, but a man looking for someone to pick up where she left off is not.

The Run Around-  Say what it is.  I am a big girl I can handle it and if you don’t know, say that.  I hate situations where someone is giving me the run around because they can’t decide what they want or if they want it to continue. So instead of just being straight about it they start to give the run around.

Dirty Shoes-  Call me super shallow for this one but it is true.  I don’t give a man in dirty shoes second looks.  Sad but true.

Show offs- I Love a humble, yet arrogant, slightly cocky man; they are my truest weakness. However I’m not impressed by basic Bitch shit. As much as I love riding in a nice car with an attractive man, it doesn’t make and sometimes it breaks my image of him. Men who have to show off what they have bug me. Humility and being humble turn me on way more.

Braids-  If in 2012 you still have braids please don’t approach me.  Enough said.

Dead Beat Dads-  While I don’t usually go after men with children, I’m at the age where it becoming a more common thing.  What I am not here for is a man who says he has children and I never hear about them or see them.  Proud parents, fathers included, dote on their children and a man can only front on his level of involvement in his child’s life for so long.  So while I am no longer against a man with kids I am particular about it.

Men who don’t like dogs or animals for that matter-  I Love dogs, and I feel that there is something very human about tolerating animals.  So if a guy says he doesn’t like animals it sends me a red flag.  Actually I think he might be a serial killer.

Stupid Men- I am not talking about education level because I know plenty of stupid MBAs. I like to talk so being able to hold an intelligent conversation is a must.  Intelligent conversation means having an opinion and being able to logically back it up with some type of reasoning beyond,” that’s just my opinion”; even opinions can have fallacious reasoning.

Jealousy-  I am not a jealous person so I really don’t know if I understand this emotion.  When a man is jealous in any sense of the word it completely turns me off.  I Love a person who is happy for people around him and who is secure enough with himself to not compare himself to people in any way.  Whether this means being jealous of people’s success or the amount of attention he is being given.

Baggage-  We all have it but is in how we deal with it that counts.  If you have trust issues because the last chick slept with your roommate, that’s ok but don’t treat me like I am going to do the same.  I hate that people make it seem that only women carry these bags, when we all do.  So if I am willing to recognize and try to drop mine, then I feel that he should be willing to do the same.