You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a FIt

My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way.  There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility.  The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall.  The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them.  Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction.   Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it.  The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them.  Your elevated hormone level have tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked  from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.

The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay.  It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone.  I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week .  It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years.  They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore.  I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe.  Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her.  He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce.  Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship.  I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.

The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way.  The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way.  I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be.  Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.

All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over.  We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so.  But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get  and You Don’t Throw a Fit.

Alpha Female seeks Alpha Male: Please Apply Within

Funny conversation happened to me this weekend.  I was sitting at a local bar with my bff and as usual we turned a few heads.  I was approached by a interesting character, whom I will call Memphis, I think that’s where he was from.  Memphis and I started having a conversation about family and children.  How we got on this subject I have no idea.  But I explained that I wanted 3 children not too far apart in age and I didn’t want to work until they were of school age.  He laughed and asked if I wanted to be taken care of.  I said no I am very capable and willing to work and my work ethic was impeccable.  But with my current salary would cover a little more than childcare cost for 3 children.  Then he asked if I was looking for an Alpha male or someone who makes enough to make it happen. This is a loaded question.

I explained that my taste in men has always leaned toward the Alpha male types, my dad is that way.  I like men who know what they want and go after it with nothing stopping them.  I am also attracted to men who take the lead instead of those who follow. The problem with these men is the ability to keep their attention   takes skill and at times it is not worth the effort.  They tend to be so focused on their goals that you turn into more of a distraction than a partner. I prefer a strong partnership above all else.  So while I am most attracted to this type of man I don’t usually date them.

Memphis brought up a good point.  If you want that type, you have to be that type.  Strong men are attracted to strong women.  Men want you to bring just as much to the table as they do, because there are women lined up around the block for successful men. I agreed and I noticed that the difference between me and those women is that he was talking to me and not them, but the options were limited that night some I’m not patting myself too hard on the back.

In my dealings with driven men I’ve found that they all want a good balance of someone who will understand that they are not available and be willing to handle that, as well as, play a supporting role to them.  But on the other hand they want you to be available because they are not so understanding.  At times I think these men don’t know what they want. Above all they want to spread their seed.  So… until the Alpha man can bring a uterus and another set of genetics I will always bring more lol, at least in my opinion.

Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Forbidden Love: Interracial Relationships

*************This post will contain all kinds of contradictions **************

I can not believe that in 2012 this is still a relevant topic but sadly it is.  I honestly don’t know how I feel about interracial couples.  On the one hand I would like to say that as a black woman it doesn’t sting a little when you see a black man happy with a woman of a different race; but it does.  But the flip side of that is, that little sting doesn’t trump the fact that people should and can fall for whomever they want. I don’t think that I, or anyone else, have the right to impose anti miscegenation on anyone.  This does not take away from the fact that it does sting, and at times it even feels like a gut punch. I know this sounds crazy to some of you but I feel as though being a black woman trying to a find a man we have the slimmest pickings imaginable.  Our options outside of our race are limited at best and it does not help that our biggest critics are black men.  There are various reasons societally why this has happened and I believe that it’s not going to change anytime soon.

Why does it sting? It stings because there are times when my fly, semi successful, black self, looks around realizes that no one is checking for me.  Not the guy in blue tie or the red tie.  Not the white guy or the black guy.  It truly makes you question your worth; I am attractive, educated and very well spoken, yet I get no looks.  Not even one.  It’s kind of like being the last on picked for a team in middle school but you don’t get picked. It stings because you have to wonder what is wrong with you, or what is wrong with the world.  At the end of the day a lot of the successful black men are taken by women who don’t like me.  And while we like to believe that, people date in their social circles; these negroes don’t have any white friends, and wouldn’t give a black women the time of day.

So if it stings so badly why do I feel like its ok.  A close friend of mine who chooses not to date out side of his race said that he chooses not to because not one can understand his plight like a black women.  While fundamentally this may be true.  I feel as though he discounts the power of Love and while a person of another race may not firsthand understand what it is that we go through; they can learn and become more aware of the challenges we face.  I think that Love is blind and you can’t help who you Love, and if a white man came along and can Love me for all that I am I would give it shot. There is so much embedded in a racial identity that we all have to fight some of the things that we have been taught and the things that we believe about ourselves and others.  Interracial relationships bring out a lot of these beliefs.

There is much more that I can say about this but the bottom line is the stings don’t trump the fact that Love is blind and we should embrace that.

A Strong Man cannot be Strong-Armed: A Lesson From Love and Hip Hop

 ”I was fortunate enough to end up with Chrissy as my lady. That’s like the princess kissing the frog. I got my own fairytale” – Jim Jones

Let me start this off by saying I LOVE Chrissy but I cannot condone that pony tail. Watching Love and Hip Hop I learned something about relationships.  Jim Jones proposed to Chrissy and I dropped a tear because I was starting to doubt Love.  I believe that as a women you set the standard, it’s up to him to reach them and what you accept is what you get.  You can’t strong-arm someone into changing or make a grown man who is comfortable with his decisions do what you want him to do. Men like to do things in their own time and when it feels right. With that said, Jim Jones was not at all strong armed.  When a man Loves you and cares for you he will do things to make you happy.  He will step up to the plate if he feels like it’s necessary.

Do I think Jim Jones was ok with everything before he asked her hand in marriage?  Yes of course he was.  He had the best woman he felt he ever had by his side cheering him on.  He took care of her like he felt his Lady should be taken care of.   But he knew that Chrissy, the women he Loved, was not content and after all they had done together, and she had done for him, he was comfortable taking the next step.  He was comfortable before but only as comfortable and happy as he felt his Lady to be.  He was willing to put his ego and reservations about marriage aside as well as not take the situation lightly by shoving a ring her in face but making sure that it was a special moment for the both of them. He was ready to make her as happy as she made him. From this show Jim has given me a little more insight into men; real men step up not because you make them but because they want to.