Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a FIt

My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way.  There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility.  The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall.  The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them.  Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction.   Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it.  The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them.  Your elevated hormone level have tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked  from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.

The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay.  It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone.  I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week .  It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years.  They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore.  I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe.  Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her.  He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce.  Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship.  I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.

The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way.  The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way.  I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be.  Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.

All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over.  We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so.  But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get  and You Don’t Throw a Fit.

30 Day Challenge Day 4

Day 4: Your Opinion Of Cheating in Relationships

It happens.  I think that there are times when you walk and times when you don’t.  I think that if you Love the person you forgive them, if they’ve earned it and if you think that you won’t become completely paranoid and can move on.  However if they cheat on you again you have to accept all responsibility for however you feel because you choose to stay in that situation.

Do all people cheat? NO.

Are all cheaters bad people? NO.

If someone cheats does that mean they don’t love the person they are with?  I think people do the most fucked up shit to the people they Love.

I do feel that cheating can be detrimental to any relationship, it completely changes the blind trust you have in someone but we all have to go through these things to learn and grow; whether you are cheating or being cheated on.

 

 

 

“I’m Not Here For That”: Things I’m Not here For When it comes to Men

For those of you who don’t know, not being here for something means: under these circumstances this is outside of your standard of behavior or normal activity.  Now that this is clear, I AM NOT HERE FOR…

Being a mother substitute- I Love to take care of the man I am with but, I want that man to be a man.  Not needing me but wanting me around. A man who Loves his Mama is great, but a man looking for someone to pick up where she left off is not.

The Run Around-  Say what it is.  I am a big girl I can handle it and if you don’t know, say that.  I hate situations where someone is giving me the run around because they can’t decide what they want or if they want it to continue. So instead of just being straight about it they start to give the run around.

Dirty Shoes-  Call me super shallow for this one but it is true.  I don’t give a man in dirty shoes second looks.  Sad but true.

Show offs- I Love a humble, yet arrogant, slightly cocky man; they are my truest weakness. However I’m not impressed by basic Bitch shit. As much as I love riding in a nice car with an attractive man, it doesn’t make and sometimes it breaks my image of him. Men who have to show off what they have bug me. Humility and being humble turn me on way more.

Braids-  If in 2012 you still have braids please don’t approach me.  Enough said.

Dead Beat Dads-  While I don’t usually go after men with children, I’m at the age where it becoming a more common thing.  What I am not here for is a man who says he has children and I never hear about them or see them.  Proud parents, fathers included, dote on their children and a man can only front on his level of involvement in his child’s life for so long.  So while I am no longer against a man with kids I am particular about it.

Men who don’t like dogs or animals for that matter-  I Love dogs, and I feel that there is something very human about tolerating animals.  So if a guy says he doesn’t like animals it sends me a red flag.  Actually I think he might be a serial killer.

Stupid Men- I am not talking about education level because I know plenty of stupid MBAs. I like to talk so being able to hold an intelligent conversation is a must.  Intelligent conversation means having an opinion and being able to logically back it up with some type of reasoning beyond,” that’s just my opinion”; even opinions can have fallacious reasoning.

Jealousy-  I am not a jealous person so I really don’t know if I understand this emotion.  When a man is jealous in any sense of the word it completely turns me off.  I Love a person who is happy for people around him and who is secure enough with himself to not compare himself to people in any way.  Whether this means being jealous of people’s success or the amount of attention he is being given.

Baggage-  We all have it but is in how we deal with it that counts.  If you have trust issues because the last chick slept with your roommate, that’s ok but don’t treat me like I am going to do the same.  I hate that people make it seem that only women carry these bags, when we all do.  So if I am willing to recognize and try to drop mine, then I feel that he should be willing to do the same.

What we can all learn from Kimye???

Any press is good press, lol.  For the record, I believe Kim and Kanye are in a real relationship, however the number of fucks I give about them and their situation might be somewhere between not many and negative 8.  I decided to write about them because people won’t stop talking about it so I am cant help jumping on this damned band wagon. See even more press.

Birds of a feather might flock together after all.  Both Kim and Kanye seem to Love attention.  I don’t know them in real life so I may be wrong.  Aside from loving attention, they love fashion, their families, the paparazzi, leather pants, money and they both like to have relationships that overlap or happen concurrently.  I think that we attract people who we have things in common with.  It makes it easier to relate each other or at least be around each other for long periods of time.

Some people elevate you to another level.  It is a common belief that people date people of their own caliber or at least what they think their caliber is. That is not  always true, some women look for a higher status than their own or someone who can help them achieve a higher one eventually. Kim is gaining access to all types of things we would never see her at, ie the BET awards, with Beyonce, on the front row at fashion week fashion shows.  Kanye is is getting crazy props from all men everywhere, and she is his new muse. Kim is giving him all kinds of material for albums to come,  if it doesn’t work out the album will be even better.

Be who you are but embrace suggestions. Just because someone has clothing line, calls them self a designer and offers to buy you a new wardrobe doesn’t mean they should dress you. Kanye is apparently such a renown clothing designer that he has decided to style Kim and she actually agreed, even being seen in those ridiculous shoes.  While I understand supporting your man in all his endeavors I will never condone fixing things that aren’t broken.  Kim has a great sense of style and is a fool for letting him throw out her clothes.  However, I applaud her for being open to the idea that even she could step it up.

Let Go, Move on, Grow the Hell UP

Every relationship is not supposed to last forever, actually most relationships won’t last forever.  People perpetually try to make it work. If you have to make it work, then it is clearly not working.  I find it crazy that people, especially women, put themselves in these situations where they want to wait around on a person to become who they want them to be. FYI ladies  they should already be that.  I like for people to be who they are, if we grow together it is a beautiful thing and if we grow apart, it’s on to the next. I know people who feel like they invest time in men to only have things fall apart every time.  To them I say don’t hold onto one man so tight, unless of course you’re married.  I would also say it fell apart for reason everyone isn’t going to be the one.  Chase your dreams not a man, and eventually you will find the one for you.

Break ups hurt, but sometimes relationships are  a part of the stepping-stones to the rest of your life.  Why would you want to stunt your growth waiting for someone or something to happen? We all have to grow at our own pace and we can’t fight it by staying in the same situations. We do this because we are always afraid to leave the ONE, but what I know about the ONE is deep down we know when a person is not it. The problem is we are so jaded by the fact that a lot things don’t work out, that we try to make them, and when it falls through it hurts. In the end you have to be open to get hurt and open to Love again. Remember that Love is one of the most amazing feelings and it is OK to try again.  But in the mean time enjoy being you, love yourself more for once and take this opportunity to Let Go, Move on and Grow up.

Go Forth and Touch

This post is about being affectionate.  I am a very affectionate person when it comes to the person I am involved with. I think that it is a key part of any healthy relationship.  It is in those simple touches, kisses, hugs, etc that we create strong  bonds with other people, we create intimacy.  Have you ever noticed when two people are having sex with each other they can not help but touch, even if its just a graze?  I think that is very important to show people how you feel not just tell them.  And this does not mean that I think that making out in a public places is ok; but I am not one to judge, been there done that.  But there is nothing wrong with PDA; PDA is a very right within reason of course.  In my non professional opinion if you are not touching there is something wrong,  If you don’t kiss or hug at least once a day maybe you should reevaluate some things, or try to get the spark back.  Part of the upside to being bothered with someone else is to have someone you can touch on a regular basis among other things.  So go on touch someone; show them how you feel

Life Lessons from the Birthday Girl!!

So a certain amount of years ago on this date at 2:07 pm I popped into the world and apparently shocked my mom because I was supposed to be a boy.  That however is neither here nor there, and while I have thought so hard about what I was going to write on this glorious day I figured since this blog is dedicated to Love and Lust and I would write about that.

It’s my Birthday y’all, and while I’m usually super excited about this day I feel some sort of quarter life crisis coming on, I giggled at the thought of me having a quarter life crisis but it seems to be happening lol.  On my birthday I like to reflect on life thus far, be thankful for everything and think about how I can be better.  So in the spirit of reflection I am doing a list post about what I’ve learned about Love and Lust.

Six things I’ve learned and about Lust and Sex:

•  Sex does complicate things
• Lust is the initial attraction but it fades and you can’t sustain a relationship based off of that.
• Good sex can make you stay in a bad situation, just don’t be that stupid.
• Size matters, unfortunately
• Don’t be afraid to try new things; within your comfort zone
• Don’t use sex as a weapon or bargaining chip.

12 things I’ve learned about Love and Relationships:

• Be with someone who makes you happy, but be aware that other people’s opinions actually matter.
• Don’t get to serious too fast; take your time.
• Don’t get lost in someone else;  be who you are no matter what.
• Every relationship isn’t meant to last forever, but we can learn from them all.
• Love can’t be forced nor can it always be avoided
• There is a difference between Loving and being in Love
• Relationships are a lot of work so you have to to be willing to work at it
• Communication is important and more so it’s knowing how to communicate
• Don’t talk about your relationship to everyone
• Love is complex
• Women and men have two completely different ideas about a lot of stuff
• The stomach is not the only way to a mans heart but it might be the fastest way

600 miles is a Large Void to Fill.

I am always in awe of people who can sustain a long distance relationship, for several reasons.  By long distance I mean more than 6 hours away. I think that any trip that is going to take more that 1/2 a days drive to and from needs more planning and preparation.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never had to do it? Maybe, I don’t think that I could? Maybe, I know that I may not be built for that type of situation; although that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t.  So in along distance relationship what does one do when he or she gets lonely and wants someone to keep them company???? I tend to think about these things, because I don’t believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  I’m not sure that in a relationship that didn’t start off as long distance that it would ever work, unless of course there was no temptation what so ever and here is why.

No Bed Checks:  You say you’re going to call it a night, but what you’re really doing is playing music and hanging out with friends, maybe you hit a club. The next morning when asked how your night was you say it was good.  After all it was good, but you didn’t exactly call it a night.

Distance Creates Distance:  Although you Love and care about this person you are not in close enough proximity to truly witness how your actions affect your partner.  Physical distance make it’s easier to create emotional distance between people.  Kinda like how we all know that there are starving children around the world, but seeing how they are not starving in our front yards we don’t exactly feel bad about it. Well we don’t feel bad about it for a prolonged period of time.

You no longer live in a Vin Diagram:  In any relationship you have overlapping circles.  You know who your partners friends are, you know where they hang out and you have things that overlap.   In a long distance relationship your circle completely does it’s own thing.  Your partner doesn’t relate to the things that are taking place in you life on a realistic level.  They don’t have the references needed to know how you met your new friend, at your new favorite bar.  This can make it difficult to maintain relatabilty.  Every city has it’s own thing going on and if you’re not in that city enough you get mentally lost in the shuffle.

Lonely but not alone: According to Wikipedia loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person feels a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationship.  In a long distance relationship it has less to do with the actual emotional relationship and more to do with the physical. Physically being alone sucks; especially when you know that someone would like to be with you, so  in the end you crave the physical closeness that is lacking in the emotional relationship.

These are the four main reasons I don’t think long distance relationships work.  I am not opposed to trying one if I needed to, but I am skeptical about the sustainability.  I think there is a certain amount of physical contact that is needed  to sustain any relationship.  Now this is all just my opinion and seeing how I have never been in one, you can’t exactly take this as law.  However I commend those that somehow make it work.  Those people who lets their Love prevail over all else.

30 Days of Honesty: Day 27

I have an inner voice, and if a friend spoke to me the way my inner voice does at times, I would…

Ignore them like I ignore my inner voice on very regular occasions.  I really need to stop doing that because because for the most part my inner voice is always right. The inner voice is a very strong force and I really need to give it more credit.  The last time I didn’t listen to it, I didn’t lock my car doors because it was too cold to turn around and later that night my car was stolen.