Being upset is a side effect of giving a fuck.

I have  tendency to not be upset, I typically just move on to the next without questions or very much thought… Call it my flaw of indifference.  Typically I’m indifferent the early stages of things, I think that we should all be a little indifferent because everyone you meet is not going to like you. It is interesting that people get so wrapped so fast.  Typically I always have one foot out the door and a couple of players warmed up, just in case.

The way I know that I really like a guy is when I care about how he feels and I’m upset or disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do.  In that moment I think to myself “Damn it he’s got me”.  There is one person in particular that I try my damnedest to be great for.  Not because I’m not great anyway, but he brings out the best in me.  He makes me want to be everything I never thought I wanted to be.  So one time when he didn’t call me back, like he said he would, I was upset and then I knew I gave a more than a few fucks because I actually ran through all of the things he could be doing besides talking to me.  In reality he was asleep and I was wondering what he was doing but of course I didn’t call (I didn’t want to seem too pressed).  Under a normal circumstance I would have forgot he was supposed to call back or not thought twice about it.

In short, I try to only waste energy on people I like I don’t over analyze or agonize over the ones around for entertainment and company.  I like doing random things and I need people around who want to do it with me.  You have to decide when to care. With careful control over your impulsive emotions you too can seem not only heartless but can become indifferent too.  I know someone is reading this like what good is a chick who doesn’t get upset.  People think that women need to have emotions so men can have reactions.  So to you I say the fact that I’m single says a lot about how I treat these hoes…  Not saying that I haven’t been in a meaningful fulfilling relationship. I just try to put potential relationship energy into people who I could potentially be in a relationship with. So please be careful because being upset directly correlates to giving a fuck.

Popularity and Me

I am uncomfortable with popularity.  I never liked the popular guy because he seemed too exposed.  I guess I am uncomfortable with popularity because I don’t want to fall into the be seen not heard category, being an attractive women with a popular man that can happen and has happened. Amber Rose wasn’t heard until she broke up with Kanye . I think she is interesting person.  She has been quoted telling aspiring video hoes to sell an image not their bodies.  Also I always associated popularity with unnecessary drama and the rumor mill both of which I choose to not be a part of.

I guess this something I need to work on because at the end of the day,  I believe in enjoying the person I choose to be with no matter what; popularity shouldn’t bother me.  I guess I’m just leery.  I am the person who is not on fb for more than a day at a time per business quarter and who sporadically tweets.  I kept a very low profile for reasons but it has become a way of life for me and I like it that way… Kinda like being a phantom. I move seamlessly in an out of social groups without leaving anything more than memories.

I guess the funniest part about all of this is I’ve never felt more like myself than I do at this time in my life.  I am content with who I am becoming and where my life is headed.  So it’s not about insecurity; even the thought of me being insecure is crazy.  I’m working on it though so as he would say… Stay Tuned.

Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

2013: WoManifesto

2012 was a Basic Bitch to me…. I am so happy it is over.  2013 is a new year and I learned a lot over the last 12 months.  I had a few epic adventures but far more epic fails.  I felt as if things and people were passing me by and I got stuck so this is dedicated to 2013.

2013,

I promise that I will acknowledge my flaws and learn from my mistakes   I promise to make things happen and not wait for them.  I promise to write more and and think about what I write less. In all ways and in all things I will be a better person to myself and to other people.  I will never stop learning and never get comfortable.  My happiness is my own responsibility and I will think beyond momentary happiness and learn to focus on a happiness that can be sustained.  I will become more dependent on me and learn to be happy with that.

I am and will always be my own person not conforming to anyone else’s idea of who I should be.  I will take heed to the fact that character is far more important than reputation.  Reputation is what people think of you and it can be tainted by one action. Whereas character is who you have chosen to be, and is built over many actions.  I will be a better sister and friend. I’ve learned that I can be very selfish and it’s not always blatant and usually is some form of self preservation, it’s not necessary all the time. I’m done looking for Love, it’s out there and it will find me if it already hasn’t.  My guy doesn’t have to be perfect and I will never understand men.  I promise to not settle…

This year will be great and it’s really up to me to make it that way.

I am Sex Positive

I am sex positive. I do not acknowledge or bare the shame that has been associated with my sex.  I do not feel the pressure to repress any state of my being. I go after what I want, no matter what looks are given to me.  I am sex positive because as  a child I was called “fast” and “boy crazy”. I was lead to believe that there was something wrong with my sexuality, that it was a woman’s secret and a man’s right.  I am sex positive because my ancestors were seen as and labeled hyper sexual as a way to excuse inhumane treatment; as a way to bare the same of another cultures lust.  I feel that I have the right to express myself and my sex in whichever way I see fit. I do not believe in the slut and the walk of shame simply means that my night was better than yours.  I do not acknowledge those who see me as loose, because while my “morals” may be dissolute, my vagina is resilient.  I am sex positive because double standards are bullshit and I never divide my number by 2 and subtract 3. I am sex positive because you don’t have to be video vixen, stripper or groupie/jump-off to be sexual. There is nothing wrong with my sex. I am sex positive because bad girls have more fun, because there are so many things that you experience when you give less fucks about people’s opinions.  I am sex positive because I trust myself and I know myself enough to know that sex is only one small part of who I am; it does not mold me into something or someone that I am not. I am sex positive because the women’s movement happened, because I live in a country where being sexy is great, but a women having lots of sex is not.  Where we simultaneously frown on the veil and nudity.  Where the dichotomy of acceptable and unacceptable is fluid but is always more strict on women.   I am sex positive because above all else I am a women and not just a women, a black women who is sexy and smart enough to not be bound by the constraints placed on her sex.

You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a FIt

My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way.  There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility.  The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall.  The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them.  Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction.   Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it.  The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them.  Your elevated hormone level have tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked  from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.

The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay.  It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone.  I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week .  It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years.  They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore.  I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe.  Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her.  He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce.  Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship.  I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.

The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way.  The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way.  I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be.  Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.

All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over.  We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so.  But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get  and You Don’t Throw a Fit.

Let Go, Move on, Grow the Hell UP

Every relationship is not supposed to last forever, actually most relationships won’t last forever.  People perpetually try to make it work. If you have to make it work, then it is clearly not working.  I find it crazy that people, especially women, put themselves in these situations where they want to wait around on a person to become who they want them to be. FYI ladies  they should already be that.  I like for people to be who they are, if we grow together it is a beautiful thing and if we grow apart, it’s on to the next. I know people who feel like they invest time in men to only have things fall apart every time.  To them I say don’t hold onto one man so tight, unless of course you’re married.  I would also say it fell apart for reason everyone isn’t going to be the one.  Chase your dreams not a man, and eventually you will find the one for you.

Break ups hurt, but sometimes relationships are  a part of the stepping-stones to the rest of your life.  Why would you want to stunt your growth waiting for someone or something to happen? We all have to grow at our own pace and we can’t fight it by staying in the same situations. We do this because we are always afraid to leave the ONE, but what I know about the ONE is deep down we know when a person is not it. The problem is we are so jaded by the fact that a lot things don’t work out, that we try to make them, and when it falls through it hurts. In the end you have to be open to get hurt and open to Love again. Remember that Love is one of the most amazing feelings and it is OK to try again.  But in the mean time enjoy being you, love yourself more for once and take this opportunity to Let Go, Move on and Grow up.

Regrets

Regrets are for the birds. Own whatever you choose to do. By own I don’t mean share it all with world, I mean don’t wish you could change things. I think that hindsight is 20/20 so looking back you may think another action may have been better, and more than likely it would have been, but I always look at the circumstances and mindset behind the action. We will all do young and dumb, or just plain dumb shit; it’s part of life. Regrets in my opinion are a waste of time. I suggest we own every action or inaction with some sort of appreciation for either the fact that we were bold, growing, or already mature. You can’t change the past but you can learn from it and you can’t tell the future but you are writing it everyday.

30 things women should have and know by 30

I am fast approaching 30 and I am taking all the relevent advice I can get. I Love this book and thought it would be a good share. I copied the whole article from The Huffington Post and the original link is below.

In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled “30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30.” The list, written by Pamela Redmond Satran, was so popular that women started emailing it around, misattributing it to various female luminaries including Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton. Noting what a phenomenon it had become, the editors of Glamour created a book around it, featuring essays from (mostly) famous women on each of the items on the list. The book, released today, includes meditations from Katie Couric on work and love, Portia de Rossi on accepting your body, and one from the list’s original author, who is also aHuffington Post blogger, on how to live alone.

Because the list still makes us so, so happy, we asked Glamour‘s permission to reprint it here:

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know …

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30

What’s on your personal list of things to have and know — and possibly do — before turning 30?

List excerpted from Glamour‘s “Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know By The Time She’s 30.”

Read and excerpt from the book here.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/24/turning-30-30-things-every-woman-should-have-and-should-know_n_1447368.html

Life Lessons from the Birthday Girl!!

So a certain amount of years ago on this date at 2:07 pm I popped into the world and apparently shocked my mom because I was supposed to be a boy.  That however is neither here nor there, and while I have thought so hard about what I was going to write on this glorious day I figured since this blog is dedicated to Love and Lust and I would write about that.

It’s my Birthday y’all, and while I’m usually super excited about this day I feel some sort of quarter life crisis coming on, I giggled at the thought of me having a quarter life crisis but it seems to be happening lol.  On my birthday I like to reflect on life thus far, be thankful for everything and think about how I can be better.  So in the spirit of reflection I am doing a list post about what I’ve learned about Love and Lust.

Six things I’ve learned and about Lust and Sex:

•  Sex does complicate things
• Lust is the initial attraction but it fades and you can’t sustain a relationship based off of that.
• Good sex can make you stay in a bad situation, just don’t be that stupid.
• Size matters, unfortunately
• Don’t be afraid to try new things; within your comfort zone
• Don’t use sex as a weapon or bargaining chip.

12 things I’ve learned about Love and Relationships:

• Be with someone who makes you happy, but be aware that other people’s opinions actually matter.
• Don’t get to serious too fast; take your time.
• Don’t get lost in someone else;  be who you are no matter what.
• Every relationship isn’t meant to last forever, but we can learn from them all.
• Love can’t be forced nor can it always be avoided
• There is a difference between Loving and being in Love
• Relationships are a lot of work so you have to to be willing to work at it
• Communication is important and more so it’s knowing how to communicate
• Don’t talk about your relationship to everyone
• Love is complex
• Women and men have two completely different ideas about a lot of stuff
• The stomach is not the only way to a mans heart but it might be the fastest way