Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

Me, Us, Him and Them

I’ve been in 2 serious relationships in my short life.  The first one I felt like and still do feel like part of the family.  There was nothing I wouldn’t do for his family and friends.  I Loved his brothers like my brothers and they treated me the same way.  My present relationship has not be a smooth intergration of the people surrounding us.  I don’t feel like his family is my family and it is very evident that his friends certainly are not my friends.  Don’t get me wrong they are very nice people I just don’t consider them my people.

There is stark difference in the way that we were taught to interact with people and I think it has a lot to do with where we are from.  I am from a city where everyone was extended family if you were around long enough.  Friendships last forever,  as a matter of fact, if I call my friends from high school today we would talk as if no time has lapsed. I don’t know if people just like to gossip, but there were very few secrets; good and bad.  He on the other hand was not raised in a very open and inviting community. His family is very small and close knit,  it seems that in his family and with his friends you have to prove that you are worthy of their acceptance; and endure some ancient family ritual.  Whereas with my family once you cross the threshold you are one of us.   We are open books but we respect the fact that we are individuals living different lives.  It seems that with his friends and family the willingness to share their failures as well their success is absent.  

I understand that complete immersion into someone else’s inner circle is not always a good thing but when it feels as though you are on the outside looking in, it kind of sucks.  I think that it is very important that I make him feel like he is part of my family and that  there is no reason to shy away from them. In a serious relationship you will have to interact and constantly hear about these people.  The funny thing about his people is that they will secretly hate you and smile in your face.  I don’t know people close to me who are that nice.  Then again people around him feel like they have the right to voice concerns about our relationship.  Honestly I don’t think I make people that comfortable or I just don’t even give it a listening ear when advice or concern is unsolicited.

In relationships we have to deal with more than just or signifcant others and this can be very difficult when you are seen as the villian.  I am exactly that in the eyes of people around him and I don’t know what he does to change that now; I know what he has done in the past and it doesn’t exactly make me confident.  We are not attached at the hip, ir over the top affectionate couple that people like to see.  They hear about the downs far more than they hear about the ups and honestly I’m done defending myself or playing nice. Quite frankly it is not my place to check the people around him.  My people don’t have a vested interest in the demise of our relationship. 

Be Careful Where You Stick Your Nose: Friends and Relationships

Navigating friendships while in a relationship can be tricky.  Your social circles began to intersect, loyalty lines can blurred and you can begin to think that everyone is friends.  What people get twisted is the fact that just because everyone is cool, loyalty has to lie somewhere.  When dealing with your significant others friends, loyalty never lies with you. If your friends have significant others, then your friend will probably be loyal to them.  Honestly there is nothing anyone can tell me about my boyfriend that I will not check with him because that relationship is a very intimate one and I know and understand things about him that even his closest friends don’t know or understand.

My boyfriend and I have been together a long time, we party together and hang out with each other friends, sometimes even when we are not together.  His friends are cool with my friends and our social circles have almost completely intertwined.  Well… I have noticed that his friends watch me like hawk when he’s not around.  I will admit that I get a little loose when I drink, and by loose I mean, skanky; sprinkled with a little slut and dash of hoe. I exude all kinds of sexual energy; I haven’t  figured out a way to control it and I don’t know if I want to.While I don’t particularly care for his friends at times because of their nosey tendencies, I understand that they are his friends and I respect that fact.  What his friends don’t understand is that they will never know the dynamics of our relationship as well as we know them. And quite frankly they can’t tell him anything about me that he doesn’t already know. I tell him all kinds of things even when he doesn’t want to hear it or it might hurt.  I always tell him to do what he wants at the bar/club just don’t bring it home to me. Another important thing to point out is that I know what his friends think of me and in all honesty I don’t care, so I might act an extra fool just so they have something to talk about.

Relationships can ruin friendships and friendships can ruin relationships. With my friends the policy is: if I ask you for your opinion give it, but if I don’t keep your opinions to yourself.  I don’t think there is a place for a bunch or perspectives on my relationship from family, friends or otherwise.  Too many people stick their nose into business that is not theirs, if your friend or relative is happy; you should be happy for them.  Now of course I am not speaking of instances that can cause some kind of harm, in which cases of course you have to speak up. I am just pointing out that there are appropriate times for input, and more often than not, if your input is not sought out then it’s not needed. We should all learn to mind our own business when it comes to our friends’ relationships and be very aware of who your friends are if you are in a relationship.  My boyfriend’s friends are not, in any way shape or form, my friends; and my friends are not his friends.

Countdown 2012: What I going to do with the last 3 days of this 2011

I will be looking for a place to party as well as finding something to wear. I Love NYE it’s my favorite night of the year because no matter how much I plan it never goes how I want but I always have a good time because I’m surrounded by awesome people.  I figure it’s the last night of the year so do something memorable.  I like to wear sequins or metallic.  Usually people spend NYE with their significant other, but I’ve spent the night for the last 2 years with my bff, even though I’ve had the same boyfriend during that time.   I’m starting to wonder if that is a bad sign.  There have been reasons why things happened how they did but I honestly thought this year would be different.  My little sister will probably be around but I’m not sure she tends to be aloof.  Not matter what the sign says I think bringing in  the new year is special when you are with people who mean something to you.

Countdown to 2012: Most Memorable Moment of 2011

“It was the best of time, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness…” -Charles Dickens

Dickens could not have said it any better, 2011 started off with a bang literally.  I had an awesome NYE 2010 even with all the drama I was fly and in company of my bff and lost friends.  It wasn’t everything I imagined; it was so much more. Love makes you do crazy things and I witnessed that.  But I guess the reason why I feel it was the most memorable because I finally let go. I know you’re probably like, “I don’t know you and you aren’t saying what happened”. Well this one is for me sorry,I’m not disclosing details. Let’s just say some people don’t realize what they have until its gone.  

Were you Intimate???

I remember my first hard break up after a long relationship my day asked “Were you intimate with him???”  I was at first taken aback because it was my dad and the answer was of course. We had been together for years through the end of high school and the beginning of college so I didn’t think he needed to ask. I remember my Mom saying when you’re intimate the lost is greater.  In this context they were talking about sex.  I’m not sure I believe that sex solidifies an emotional connection as my parents implied.  I think vulnerability does

Intimacy is about being vulnerable. Trusting that the people you have deep connections to, outside of family, will always have your best interest and will never intentionally hurt you.  I believe that when you trust a person enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable you create intimacy.  It is human nature to protect oneself whether it emotionally or physically. Intimacy may not be long lasting and it may only happen for moments at a time, but as we all know moments turn into minutes, turn into hours, turn into days, etc.  Intimacy in my circle of friends seems to exist most in friendship not in relationships. It is amongst ourselves that we are completely ourselves without trying.   I think that is because we are the generation of overt sexuality, instant gratification, attention deficit and last but not least divorce. We have seen intimate relationships fall apart more than stay together and people who spend more time planning a wedding than they do staying married.

The parts of relationships that create intimacy have been blurred for us.  It seems that we spend more time trying to one up each other than we take getting to know each other. That we are so fond of the idea of intimacy, of being in Love, that we don’t know what it takes to have intimate connections with a significant other.  This is not totally our fault as we have been bombarded with conflicting images and ideals for most of our lives. Sex has at times become a substitute for real emotional connections.  Or we are so caught up in the physical that we don’t know how to be emotional. Partly because sex is instantly gratifying; no real work necessary. We are so guarded that we don’t know how to be vulnerable and we are plugged in that we don’t know how to just be…  It’s kind of like intimate relationships have to sneak up on us, and we don’t even recognize when they happen.

Sex does not equate intimacy for me but everyone is different.  Sex can be intimate but for the most part at this point in my life it’s just sex; no emotion necessary.