You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a FIt

My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way.  There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility.  The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall.  The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them.  Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction.   Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it.  The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them.  Your elevated hormone level have tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked  from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.

The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay.  It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone.  I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week .  It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years.  They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore.  I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe.  Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her.  He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce.  Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship.  I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.

The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way.  The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way.  I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be.  Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.

All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over.  We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so.  But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get  and You Don’t Throw a Fit.

Don’t Let You Emotions Make You Their BITCH!!!!!

Emotions are tricky and women get so caught up in them... Record scratches silent stare given.  Excuse me, people get caught in them.  Usually thinking with our hearts gets us in a lot of trouble and when you add the new person scent it gets even more complex because it’s a mix between nostalgia, lust and blind trust.  In the beginning stages of meeting people we automatically trust them because what reasons would we have not to?? We are not invested and they have not given us any reasons not to. But there is always a point when you have to decide if you want to be rational or emotional.

The initial connection you have with some people can be blinding.  You feel as though have never met anyone like this person and it’s always true because no two people are the same.  But it’s when we decide to ride the wave of infatuation and nostalgia that we get hurt.  Some of us ride this wave for years because the person never really lets us in; only giving us glimpses of what things would be like with them. Through these glimpses we create an image of what it would be like full time with them.  Even thinking deep down inside that they might be the one.  Please, Please, Please Wake Up!!!!!!  Those are emotions talking.  The fact is, who you think they are and who they truly are, are two completely different people. You might be better off having an imaginary relationship with who you want them to be, rather than finding out who they really are.

There are times when you want to tell someone everything you have ever felt about them and those my dear are emotions.  a rational mind would tell you that pouring your heart out to someone who hasn’t opened theirs to you is a very big mistake, so get a grip.  The bottom line is if you have been talking to  and dating someone off and on for years, then I would think they weren’t intereted in you in that way; you simply provide an optional convenience. Don’t be an optional convenience.  Don’t think with you heart or your pants think with your head.

What we can all learn from Kimye???

Any press is good press, lol.  For the record, I believe Kim and Kanye are in a real relationship, however the number of fucks I give about them and their situation might be somewhere between not many and negative 8.  I decided to write about them because people won’t stop talking about it so I am cant help jumping on this damned band wagon. See even more press.

Birds of a feather might flock together after all.  Both Kim and Kanye seem to Love attention.  I don’t know them in real life so I may be wrong.  Aside from loving attention, they love fashion, their families, the paparazzi, leather pants, money and they both like to have relationships that overlap or happen concurrently.  I think that we attract people who we have things in common with.  It makes it easier to relate each other or at least be around each other for long periods of time.

Some people elevate you to another level.  It is a common belief that people date people of their own caliber or at least what they think their caliber is. That is not  always true, some women look for a higher status than their own or someone who can help them achieve a higher one eventually. Kim is gaining access to all types of things we would never see her at, ie the BET awards, with Beyonce, on the front row at fashion week fashion shows.  Kanye is is getting crazy props from all men everywhere, and she is his new muse. Kim is giving him all kinds of material for albums to come,  if it doesn’t work out the album will be even better.

Be who you are but embrace suggestions. Just because someone has clothing line, calls them self a designer and offers to buy you a new wardrobe doesn’t mean they should dress you. Kanye is apparently such a renown clothing designer that he has decided to style Kim and she actually agreed, even being seen in those ridiculous shoes.  While I understand supporting your man in all his endeavors I will never condone fixing things that aren’t broken.  Kim has a great sense of style and is a fool for letting him throw out her clothes.  However, I applaud her for being open to the idea that even she could step it up.

600 miles is a Large Void to Fill.

I am always in awe of people who can sustain a long distance relationship, for several reasons.  By long distance I mean more than 6 hours away. I think that any trip that is going to take more that 1/2 a days drive to and from needs more planning and preparation.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never had to do it? Maybe, I don’t think that I could? Maybe, I know that I may not be built for that type of situation; although that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t.  So in along distance relationship what does one do when he or she gets lonely and wants someone to keep them company???? I tend to think about these things, because I don’t believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  I’m not sure that in a relationship that didn’t start off as long distance that it would ever work, unless of course there was no temptation what so ever and here is why.

No Bed Checks:  You say you’re going to call it a night, but what you’re really doing is playing music and hanging out with friends, maybe you hit a club. The next morning when asked how your night was you say it was good.  After all it was good, but you didn’t exactly call it a night.

Distance Creates Distance:  Although you Love and care about this person you are not in close enough proximity to truly witness how your actions affect your partner.  Physical distance make it’s easier to create emotional distance between people.  Kinda like how we all know that there are starving children around the world, but seeing how they are not starving in our front yards we don’t exactly feel bad about it. Well we don’t feel bad about it for a prolonged period of time.

You no longer live in a Vin Diagram:  In any relationship you have overlapping circles.  You know who your partners friends are, you know where they hang out and you have things that overlap.   In a long distance relationship your circle completely does it’s own thing.  Your partner doesn’t relate to the things that are taking place in you life on a realistic level.  They don’t have the references needed to know how you met your new friend, at your new favorite bar.  This can make it difficult to maintain relatabilty.  Every city has it’s own thing going on and if you’re not in that city enough you get mentally lost in the shuffle.

Lonely but not alone: According to Wikipedia loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person feels a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationship.  In a long distance relationship it has less to do with the actual emotional relationship and more to do with the physical. Physically being alone sucks; especially when you know that someone would like to be with you, so  in the end you crave the physical closeness that is lacking in the emotional relationship.

These are the four main reasons I don’t think long distance relationships work.  I am not opposed to trying one if I needed to, but I am skeptical about the sustainability.  I think there is a certain amount of physical contact that is needed  to sustain any relationship.  Now this is all just my opinion and seeing how I have never been in one, you can’t exactly take this as law.  However I commend those that somehow make it work.  Those people who lets their Love prevail over all else.

Forgive and Forget: Not for them but For You

Forgiveness is giving up on the past that we thought we wanted. – Oprah

Forgiveness is about letting go of the Hope that the past could have been different. In relationships we have to a learn how to get past the hurt by not living in the past.  People make mistakes and it is in those moments we see who we are and what we can be capable of.  No matter how much you Love someone you have the ability to hurt them.  While this may not be your intention it can happen.  In Love and in Life we have to be forgiving of the people who hurt us by living in the that reality. The reality that we are not perfect and that things happen for a reason.  That everything we ever experience makes us who we are meant to be.

Forgiveness does not mean staying  in an unhappy relationship, it simply means not holding on to the pain and carrying it with you.  I know that everyone always says that we shouldn’t bring our past relationships into the current ones and I completely agree.  Actually you should thank your past for preparing you for your future.  Even if you decide to stay in a relationship after being hurt, it is imperative that you learn to move past it all.  After being hurt and staying and then being hurt again, I learned that I had to be just as accountable the second time around.  I had been hurt  but I had also choosen to stay.  I could not blame him for me staying, I could be disappointed that it happened again.

Forgiveness is not a gift to the other person but a gift to ourselves.  It says that we let the hurt and pain go and that we are better for it.  Forgiveness is a test a strength and courage.  In order to truly forgive someone who hurt you, you have to be strong enough to face the reality of what happened and courageous enough to allow yourself to grow because of it.  Just remember that everything that we go through shapes who we are. How we choose to deal with things and what we allow ourselves to learn determines who we ultimately become.

Loyal, Lazy, Afraid of being Lonely and Selling Yourself Short

Have you ever wondered why people stay in relationships when you know for a fact they can do better?  Have you stayed in relationship knowing that it was just good enough but you weren’t totally fulfilled?  I am going to address some of the issues I see with people in these relationships based on my observations of the people around me.

Loyal:

Loyalty is a very good quality to have. It is always good to have your significant others back no matter what.  Loyalty is a key part of commitment and it is what creates trust in relationships.  However the greatest loyalty one can have before marriage and children is to one’s self.  If you tell me that you are in a relationship because you feel like you are the most positive part of the person’s life, I have to ask what effect are they having on your life? Loyalty will look at the potential of the person instead if where they are now.  In some instances this is a good thing but in others not so much.  Sometimes we are so focused on what a person can be we don’t look at who they are now.  Loyalty can blind to the fact that this person has no work ethic even though they have the necessary skills to work. Loyalty can make us think that our unwavering commitment is more important than any other aspects of the relationship.

Tired of being Lonely and Lazy:

Some things about being single are awesome and some are not.  There comes a point when you are surrounded by couples and even excluded for not being in a relationship. Sometimes when this happens we settle.  We get into a relationship with the first person interested in being in one with us.  We have the satisfaction of being with someone.  We are no longer lonely and when we start to figure out that this was not the best idea. We are too lazy to find someone new and too afraid of being lonely again. I completely understand that if the puzzle piece doesn’t fit we can trim to make sure that it does; but in the end it will mess up the puzzle’s intended picture. Afraid of being lonely, and being lazy, is settling there is no other was to slice that cake. At this point, not only are we afraid of loneliness and lazy, but now we are loyal to this person who is seemingly ok for us but not the best fit.

Selling yourself short:

In the past I thought that people date according to who they were surrounded by and who they were approached by. The older and more experienced in this dating scenario I get, the more I find that is only somewhat true.  People in my age group, frequent the same places, no matter what their occupation and social standing.  As a matter of fact, I have a friend who is approached by all types of guys, but in my opinion, she always to seem to go for the lower caliber guys.  I am starting to think that she doesn’t think that she is good enough. Maybe she wants to prove that she is still down.  What ever the case is I always think she is selling herself short. When I compare who she chooses to date, to who she could potentially date I am baffled. I refuse to sell myself short in terms of dating. I have just as much to offer  if not more than my competition; but that may just be the cocky me talking.  I don’t think you should ever sell yourself short when dating.  You just end up wasting time.

Fitting into a box, to be put on a shelf.

I Love to see my friends happy but I hate to see them settle.  If you want something go for it.  Don’t take what you can get, unless you have some kind of strategy and even then you should be careful with that course of action.  When you take what you can get you set yourself up for potential failure.  How can someone ever truly value who you completely are when you fit yourself into a box for them?  Eventually they will put the box on the shelf and find new entertainment.  It has happened to me, and trust me it hurts.  When the person you see yourself with, who truly lights up your world, places you  in the box on a shelf of conquests; instead of in the picture frame by their bed. The worst part is there is nothing you can do.  You played the position so well that they didn’t see a place for you anywhere else. But what can you do… you live and you learn.

When someone says what they don’t want believe them and believe that, most importantly,  they don’t want it with you.  The feelings are not always mutual, no matter how hard you try you to make it seem that way.  My advice to any person who wants to pursue someone who is seemingly uninterested in them no matter how much time they spend together…

MOVE ON!!!!

Make sure you know who you’re doing this for

Relationships can be difficult and some of us go through so many things, and sometimes we look back and can’t even figure out why.  Some say Love and others say naivety but whatever the case make sure that you are doing it for you..  At the end of the day and your life you don’t have to live anyone else’s life but your own and staying in an unhappy relationship, and by unhappy I don’t mean an unhappy moment, will do you no good.  If you are staying because you feel indebted to him or her or you think they need you, that is the wrong reason.  In most relationships we form some co-dependence and there is nothing wrong with that.  My point is, if the reason you come up with is more about what you do for them, than what they do for you then you need to think long and hard about who you are doing this for.

The person you  are with should ignite some passion in you about something.  There should be something about this person that you don’t think another person does  better.  With my him I don’t think  there is anyone who will take the time to understand me as completely and just let me be the person that I am not asking me to change any of my ways. The reason will be different for everyone but the reasons should always include how the person adds to  your life.

When you stay with a person because you feel needed in some way and you don’t feel like they bring anything to the table, you’re never going to be happy.  Inevitably you will not able to sustain a healthy relationship because you will be unfulfilled.  I think that when you are unfulfilled in a relationship you tend to look elsewhere for that fulfillment.  In the end you are not doing anyone any favors by doing this as a matter of fact you will be holding you and your partner back.

In life we have to make hard decisions and most of those dilemmas involve how our actions will affect those we Love.  But when you Love someone you want the best for them and if ending a relationship because you are unhappy it’s not exactly selfish. But that’s just my opinion.

Me, Us, Him and Them

I’ve been in 2 serious relationships in my short life.  The first one I felt like and still do feel like part of the family.  There was nothing I wouldn’t do for his family and friends.  I Loved his brothers like my brothers and they treated me the same way.  My present relationship has not be a smooth intergration of the people surrounding us.  I don’t feel like his family is my family and it is very evident that his friends certainly are not my friends.  Don’t get me wrong they are very nice people I just don’t consider them my people.

There is stark difference in the way that we were taught to interact with people and I think it has a lot to do with where we are from.  I am from a city where everyone was extended family if you were around long enough.  Friendships last forever,  as a matter of fact, if I call my friends from high school today we would talk as if no time has lapsed. I don’t know if people just like to gossip, but there were very few secrets; good and bad.  He on the other hand was not raised in a very open and inviting community. His family is very small and close knit,  it seems that in his family and with his friends you have to prove that you are worthy of their acceptance; and endure some ancient family ritual.  Whereas with my family once you cross the threshold you are one of us.   We are open books but we respect the fact that we are individuals living different lives.  It seems that with his friends and family the willingness to share their failures as well their success is absent.  

I understand that complete immersion into someone else’s inner circle is not always a good thing but when it feels as though you are on the outside looking in, it kind of sucks.  I think that it is very important that I make him feel like he is part of my family and that  there is no reason to shy away from them. In a serious relationship you will have to interact and constantly hear about these people.  The funny thing about his people is that they will secretly hate you and smile in your face.  I don’t know people close to me who are that nice.  Then again people around him feel like they have the right to voice concerns about our relationship.  Honestly I don’t think I make people that comfortable or I just don’t even give it a listening ear when advice or concern is unsolicited.

In relationships we have to deal with more than just or signifcant others and this can be very difficult when you are seen as the villian.  I am exactly that in the eyes of people around him and I don’t know what he does to change that now; I know what he has done in the past and it doesn’t exactly make me confident.  We are not attached at the hip, ir over the top affectionate couple that people like to see.  They hear about the downs far more than they hear about the ups and honestly I’m done defending myself or playing nice. Quite frankly it is not my place to check the people around him.  My people don’t have a vested interest in the demise of our relationship. 

Dick Flashers Unite

In the recent past I have been dick flashed and not by little boys, but by grown ass men.  I am starting to think that maybe I look like someone who wants to randomly see dicks, but I’m sure that’s not it. I am convinced that there is an epidemic of thirsty dudes pulling out their dicks.  If you have no shame in your game more power to you but there are rules to pulling out your dick.

1. Make sure she’s interested- Don’t just whip out your dick because you Think that he or she Might be feelin you like that.
2. Know the type of person you’re dealing with-  If your package is sub standard then you might get laughed at if you’re dealing with someone who couldn’t care less about your feelings.
3. Be sure it’s worth pulling out- If you have ever doubted how you measured up then you probably don’t. I will bet she or he is going to tell everyone that you don’t and exaggerate it as well.
4. Please know him or her for more than 2 mins or even 2 weeks-  I know some are going to say I can smash in 2 weeks… While this may be true, it will  have you come off as thirsty; when you do this use some finesse.
5. If you want don’t want to be known as “Pull Out Man” leave you dick in you pants- that’s self explanatory.
6. Don’t do this in public- I was at a club a dude pulled his dick out on the dance floor. If we had been anywhere else he would have been considered a sex offender for being stupid; which is never a good look.

That’s all I can think of but it’s  problem out here so please

watch out for dick flashes because it might happen when you least expect it.