Simple tricks to avoid the Dick

I am very pro sex. I don’t attach my emotions to every sexual encounter and I typically do with my vagina and other privater parts as I please. However there is a part of the female community that likes to withhold sex until they feel the person they are with is worth the effort, and after a few less than stellar encounters I completely understand why.  I have been trying to figure out what I can add this conversation and this is what I came up with.  So if you find yourself trying to hold out this one is for you.  If you can think of more please add them to the comment section.

1. GO OUT:  It does not have  to be some extravagant over the top activity every time.  It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge.  If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.

2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build.  I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.

3. Terrible Panties:  The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own.  Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs.   Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.

4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex.  OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???”  I say hold up.  I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.

5. Don’t focus on his sexy:  There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy,  I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.

A Few Simple Dating Tips….

 Don’t sell yourself short but don’t be ridiculous… You have know what you are willing to accept and what you’re not.  If you are casually dating this could mean a few ignored texts, or a couple flakes.  Whatever you do, don’t sell yourself short. But realize when you are being ridiculous.  When you meet someone new, respect the fact that you are a new addition and understand that they had a life before you.

Figuring out if you like someone may take more than one date… Sometimes you vibe with people from the beginning and other times it has to build up.  I think first dates are for you to simply see is if you like the person’s swag and vibe.  I feel this way because first dates are usually awkward for people who aren’t into  a) dating and b)  aren’t comfortable with strangers.  I am always leery of men who talk too fast and too smooth because they will tell you what they think you want to hear.

Don’t ignore the red flags…. Sometimes there are huge red flags like 4 children and 3 baby mothers.  Or never worked  a job for more than a few months at a time.  Both of these things scream irresponsible to me.  Sometimes there are more subtle ones like his phone continuously rings or he’s distracted. He seems in a rush or he asks questions that are too personal.  No matter how comfortable you feel, a person who doesn’t want to take their time to get to know is not worth your time.

Do your research…  I think social media is great, I don’t actually use it, but it is great.  If a person wants to put themselves out there for the world to see, it is your duty as part of the world to see them.  I think it’s ok to check facebook, twitter and instagram; as long as you’re not stalking their pages for updates and checking out their friends pages with malice intent.  They show a lot about a person’s character and with that said can tell you a lot.  But you can only take that stuff for face value because we can all be be whomever we choose on the internet; I know y’all watch Catfish.

Don’t get physical on the first date and don’t rush into the sex talk…. When you start to talk about sex the next step is usually sex.  If you like him make him; wait.  If you want to see if he is serious make him wait.  Now if you are not interested in being serious and are just trying to have fun why waste time dating?  I had a friend who I didn’t waste time dating, we hung out usually in the house with alcohol watching The Wire reruns.  We had ok conversation that was never too personal and great sex.  We didn’t dilute the situation with extravagant dates.  If we went to hang out it was at the strip club… You get the picture?

Know what you want...  So many of us, and by us I mean women but so many men too, don’t know what we want.  Are you looking for a serious relationship?  Are you dating for fun or marriage?  Do you just want to get your back blown out after the club or would you like to maybe take him or her home to your parents one day? If you know where you want to go then you know what kind of person you want to invest your time in. Don’t waste time on Mr “Girl like your fat ass” when you are looking for Boaz.

Have something else to occupy your mind or at least your time… I’ve done it, I think we all have.  You had a great date and you obsess about what happens next…. My advice is get a hobby that is not dating.  You should not be so wrapped up with your dating life that you have nothing else to look forward to. Mainly because if it is going to get serious it takes time and effort to incorporate another person in your life. Also because you don’t want to seem or feel pressed (i.e. Desperate).

Have fun and be Open Minded… Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. Just have fun with it and keep an open mind.  What you want may not come in the package you thought it would come in.  If someone wants to do something you’re not comfortable with because it’s unfamiliar, I say do it. If they want you to dress up as a Red Power Ranger; RUN.  Try new things, within reason.  It may work to your advantage. Just have fun and keep an open mind, you may surprise yourself.

Be Yourself… Don’t try to be anyone other than who you really are; if you fake it, it will not work. I once told a guy I was  into comics and I didn’t know anything about comic. It blew up in my face when I found out he actually had all of his comics from childhood and I asked him what was difference between Marvel and DC. If you pretend it will catch up with you.  Be who you are if he likes you, he likes you, if he doesn’t someone else will.

“I call him red shirt cause he wear a red shirt”

I Love ratchet rap music just like the next girl. But really can you at least find out my name. Has it gotten to the point where men are no longer held accountable for such a simple task?  I recently moved to the city of thirst, Atlanta, GA.  I’ve learned a few things since I’ve been here, but that will come in later post. As far as this post goes I’m going to refer to any man who approaches me from now on by some insignificant detail that may or may not make him stand out.  Walking through a Wally World I was approached with the classic “Aye Shawty Wah Cho Name Iah?”, (translation: “Excuse me Ma’am, what’s your name?”).  First off I’m from the mid-west so this whole accent thing is kinda new to me and second I’m not impressed.  He went on to tell me that he was aspiring to be a rapper and knew TI.  Which very well may be true, but the approach was terrible and after he asked my name he said can “Can I call you Caramel? Cause your caramel skin looks so sweet”  I asked was he serious and he said well “I will remember you better if I give you a name that’s just for me?” I told him he was not 2Chainz and I was not interested, I’m involved .  I was amused, but Wal-Mart of all paces with that approach?  I guess its refreshing to know that there are men who don’t need a buzz to approach out there. So Red shirt will not be getting any first, let alone, second thoughts.  But I do admire his confidence.

But the Dick was Good: Wet Beds and the Sex Deprived.

Let me tell you guys a story about how good dick can make you reconsider if not lower some standards.  So I was speaking with a good friend who has been dating a guy for awhile and she tells me after they have sex he always gets up and leaves According to him he doesn’t sleep well away from home.  Me being the skeptical one jumps the conclusion that he has someone at home waiting.  To me the only logical excuse to not sleep over the person’s house that you are dating and having sex with, is that you have to go home to someone else.

Now 2 weeks passes and he falls asleep laying next to her, she thinks that  he is finally comfortable enough at her place to sleep there so she thinks it’s victory.  She was seriously mistaking.  The next morning she woke up to a soaked mattress, clearly confused because she was sleeping next to a grown man.    When she wakes him, he explains to her that he never slept over because his bladder never fully developed as a child and he takes medication for that.  However he cannot take the medication on days when he plans on drinking alcohol.  Basically he occasionally wets the bed as an adult so he goes home and slips into some adult briefs just in case he has an accident.

I am trying to be polite and not condescending with this post because clearly this is a problem and it’s an embarrassing one at that, so no shade to him but I have to be honest….

So after laughing hysterically in disbelief, I asked was she going to continue seeing him because there is nothing sexy about sleeping next to a man in an adult sized pull-up and even less sexy is waking up in an adult sized urine puddle.  She hesitates to answer and that is when I begin to worry because clearly she is really struggling with breaking it off… She breaks out with “but the dick is good”.  0_0 Are you serious? The dick being good is not an adequate reason, to me anyway, to date man with a child’s bladder.  I understand that this is a real medical problem and maybe I am being too shallow but I like clean sheets and mattress that I have to steam clean only twice a year if I want.  I honestly don’t understand not breaking it off immediately.

Am I being too critical? Personally I’ve never had dick good enough to make me consider staying in this type of situation.

30 Day Challenge Day 4

Day 4: Your Opinion Of Cheating in Relationships

It happens.  I think that there are times when you walk and times when you don’t.  I think that if you Love the person you forgive them, if they’ve earned it and if you think that you won’t become completely paranoid and can move on.  However if they cheat on you again you have to accept all responsibility for however you feel because you choose to stay in that situation.

Do all people cheat? NO.

Are all cheaters bad people? NO.

If someone cheats does that mean they don’t love the person they are with?  I think people do the most fucked up shit to the people they Love.

I do feel that cheating can be detrimental to any relationship, it completely changes the blind trust you have in someone but we all have to go through these things to learn and grow; whether you are cheating or being cheated on.

 

 

 

My first E-mail Question YAY!!!

Everything L and L,

I enjoy reading your blog from time to and I would like to know your take on this.  I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and I want to have sex with him but I don’t want things to change between us.  Do you think there is a way to prevent this?

Umm sex is tricky.   At a month into something I would think that you have a pretty good feel for this guy and what he thinks about sex, especially if you are thinking about doing it. If you think it will change things then don’t have sex with him; unless you want things to change.  I am not a fan of 90 day rules or anything that places stringent terms on things like this because every situation is different.  However I think if you want things to get serious you have to be strategic with your panties.  I know it’s really messed up to say this but you make the guys you take  serious wait, and all the others it doesn’t really matter.

In reality you have to do what feels  right for you. Before having sex with anyone you should know their ideals in regards to protection,  birth control and what happens if you guys slip up. If you don’t know these things then you should  pump your brakes.  Communication is key in any relationship so you should have this talk first. If you think this guy genuinely likes you and takes you serious then go for it, but if there are still doubts don’t.

From the sounds of this e-mail you have your doubts and maybe it has something to do with past experiences, so let me address that.  If you have been wrong in the past about a man’s intentions then you need to have a serious conversation about that what his intentions are; guessing is never good for anyone.  When having sex with a person you are pursuing a serious relationship with, you have to keep your expectations high for him even after you guys have sex; don’t become dicknotized. It is ok to bask in the a newness of the relationship without getting physical because getting to know someone is part of the fun, it may not be easy but it might be worth it. Also you have to remember that if it’s all good now you could have sex with him and be completely turned off, because not all dick is good dick. My advice is proceed with caution.

“I’m Not Here For That”: Things I’m Not here For When it comes to Men

For those of you who don’t know, not being here for something means: under these circumstances this is outside of your standard of behavior or normal activity.  Now that this is clear, I AM NOT HERE FOR…

Being a mother substitute- I Love to take care of the man I am with but, I want that man to be a man.  Not needing me but wanting me around. A man who Loves his Mama is great, but a man looking for someone to pick up where she left off is not.

The Run Around-  Say what it is.  I am a big girl I can handle it and if you don’t know, say that.  I hate situations where someone is giving me the run around because they can’t decide what they want or if they want it to continue. So instead of just being straight about it they start to give the run around.

Dirty Shoes-  Call me super shallow for this one but it is true.  I don’t give a man in dirty shoes second looks.  Sad but true.

Show offs- I Love a humble, yet arrogant, slightly cocky man; they are my truest weakness. However I’m not impressed by basic Bitch shit. As much as I love riding in a nice car with an attractive man, it doesn’t make and sometimes it breaks my image of him. Men who have to show off what they have bug me. Humility and being humble turn me on way more.

Braids-  If in 2012 you still have braids please don’t approach me.  Enough said.

Dead Beat Dads-  While I don’t usually go after men with children, I’m at the age where it becoming a more common thing.  What I am not here for is a man who says he has children and I never hear about them or see them.  Proud parents, fathers included, dote on their children and a man can only front on his level of involvement in his child’s life for so long.  So while I am no longer against a man with kids I am particular about it.

Men who don’t like dogs or animals for that matter-  I Love dogs, and I feel that there is something very human about tolerating animals.  So if a guy says he doesn’t like animals it sends me a red flag.  Actually I think he might be a serial killer.

Stupid Men- I am not talking about education level because I know plenty of stupid MBAs. I like to talk so being able to hold an intelligent conversation is a must.  Intelligent conversation means having an opinion and being able to logically back it up with some type of reasoning beyond,” that’s just my opinion”; even opinions can have fallacious reasoning.

Jealousy-  I am not a jealous person so I really don’t know if I understand this emotion.  When a man is jealous in any sense of the word it completely turns me off.  I Love a person who is happy for people around him and who is secure enough with himself to not compare himself to people in any way.  Whether this means being jealous of people’s success or the amount of attention he is being given.

Baggage-  We all have it but is in how we deal with it that counts.  If you have trust issues because the last chick slept with your roommate, that’s ok but don’t treat me like I am going to do the same.  I hate that people make it seem that only women carry these bags, when we all do.  So if I am willing to recognize and try to drop mine, then I feel that he should be willing to do the same.

Don’t Let You Emotions Make You Their BITCH!!!!!

Emotions are tricky and women get so caught up in them... Record scratches silent stare given.  Excuse me, people get caught in them.  Usually thinking with our hearts gets us in a lot of trouble and when you add the new person scent it gets even more complex because it’s a mix between nostalgia, lust and blind trust.  In the beginning stages of meeting people we automatically trust them because what reasons would we have not to?? We are not invested and they have not given us any reasons not to. But there is always a point when you have to decide if you want to be rational or emotional.

The initial connection you have with some people can be blinding.  You feel as though have never met anyone like this person and it’s always true because no two people are the same.  But it’s when we decide to ride the wave of infatuation and nostalgia that we get hurt.  Some of us ride this wave for years because the person never really lets us in; only giving us glimpses of what things would be like with them. Through these glimpses we create an image of what it would be like full time with them.  Even thinking deep down inside that they might be the one.  Please, Please, Please Wake Up!!!!!!  Those are emotions talking.  The fact is, who you think they are and who they truly are, are two completely different people. You might be better off having an imaginary relationship with who you want them to be, rather than finding out who they really are.

There are times when you want to tell someone everything you have ever felt about them and those my dear are emotions.  a rational mind would tell you that pouring your heart out to someone who hasn’t opened theirs to you is a very big mistake, so get a grip.  The bottom line is if you have been talking to  and dating someone off and on for years, then I would think they weren’t intereted in you in that way; you simply provide an optional convenience. Don’t be an optional convenience.  Don’t think with you heart or your pants think with your head.

Go Forth and Touch

This post is about being affectionate.  I am a very affectionate person when it comes to the person I am involved with. I think that it is a key part of any healthy relationship.  It is in those simple touches, kisses, hugs, etc that we create strong  bonds with other people, we create intimacy.  Have you ever noticed when two people are having sex with each other they can not help but touch, even if its just a graze?  I think that is very important to show people how you feel not just tell them.  And this does not mean that I think that making out in a public places is ok; but I am not one to judge, been there done that.  But there is nothing wrong with PDA; PDA is a very right within reason of course.  In my non professional opinion if you are not touching there is something wrong,  If you don’t kiss or hug at least once a day maybe you should reevaluate some things, or try to get the spark back.  Part of the upside to being bothered with someone else is to have someone you can touch on a regular basis among other things.  So go on touch someone; show them how you feel

Life Lessons from the Birthday Girl!!

So a certain amount of years ago on this date at 2:07 pm I popped into the world and apparently shocked my mom because I was supposed to be a boy.  That however is neither here nor there, and while I have thought so hard about what I was going to write on this glorious day I figured since this blog is dedicated to Love and Lust and I would write about that.

It’s my Birthday y’all, and while I’m usually super excited about this day I feel some sort of quarter life crisis coming on, I giggled at the thought of me having a quarter life crisis but it seems to be happening lol.  On my birthday I like to reflect on life thus far, be thankful for everything and think about how I can be better.  So in the spirit of reflection I am doing a list post about what I’ve learned about Love and Lust.

Six things I’ve learned and about Lust and Sex:

•  Sex does complicate things
• Lust is the initial attraction but it fades and you can’t sustain a relationship based off of that.
• Good sex can make you stay in a bad situation, just don’t be that stupid.
• Size matters, unfortunately
• Don’t be afraid to try new things; within your comfort zone
• Don’t use sex as a weapon or bargaining chip.

12 things I’ve learned about Love and Relationships:

• Be with someone who makes you happy, but be aware that other people’s opinions actually matter.
• Don’t get to serious too fast; take your time.
• Don’t get lost in someone else;  be who you are no matter what.
• Every relationship isn’t meant to last forever, but we can learn from them all.
• Love can’t be forced nor can it always be avoided
• There is a difference between Loving and being in Love
• Relationships are a lot of work so you have to to be willing to work at it
• Communication is important and more so it’s knowing how to communicate
• Don’t talk about your relationship to everyone
• Love is complex
• Women and men have two completely different ideas about a lot of stuff
• The stomach is not the only way to a mans heart but it might be the fastest way