I am the best chick you will ever find to complete you.  That will deal with your bullshit and understand that you are one flawed individual.  Please wake up.  When you find a chick better than me please invite me to the wedding.  I am not saying I am different from and other chick I am just your best match. I went through a lot for you and you still don’t want to deviate from your life’s ideal timetable.  So while you are still looking for the other half of your power couple or you wake up alone at 32, I will be sure to find someone who doesn’t give me half the excuses and a quarter of the BS. I am tired of the you are not ready speeches.  Please honey just stand over there and get your life.

xoxo,

Tired of waiting L & L

Dear Mr College Fling turned I have no idea what we are at this point,

We graduated years ago and you are about to graduate with your 3rd degree. WTF are we doing?  This is becoming ridiculous and until you can admit that this is more than sex, because we both know sex is easier to come by, the faster we can both Get our lives.  I could understand if this was about convenience but this stopped be convenient a very long time ago.  Probably around the time when you moved for hours away to another state…. I am tired of trying to cut you off and you not getting the hint, but that’s probably my fault. I am also tired of the charade of emotional distance that no longer exist. I Love you and I am the best you will ever have in that way, but it’s time for this to become a memory.  Please Please Please Get Your Life and allow me to finally get mine.

xoxo,

Never wanted anything more L&L

Dear Mr I don’t like gays DJ,

I’m pretty sure that you are gay, so please come out already.  You are entirely too awkward to continue to hide the fact that you are not interested in women in that way.  I’m no longer taking a it personal and I’m sure your mom will Love you anyway.  Your disdain for gay men but disinterest in women kind of gave you away.  If you want to continue the ploy of being straight, do yourself a favor and stay away from Lenox Mall and the Buckhead/Midtown area on the weekends. Besides everyone around you knows, Get Your Life and stop pretending,

xoxo,

It wasn’t me it was you L&L

A Mechanic:  If you have an older car this guy will always come in handy and if you have a newer car he will show you how to maintain it.  A Mechanic is a must have to the rooster if you don’t know much about cars.  This man will save you money in the long run by either doing repairs or not letting you get taken advantage of at a repair shop.  If you don’t know a mechanic meet or find someone who does and get to know the mechanic.  The trick with this relationship is that you should always pay him for his services if he does a repair and be very, very nice to him.  You don’t want to piss off the mechanic, because cars are unpredictable and always break down at inopportune times.  However if your dad or a family member is handy you may not need him.

A Tech Guy: Initially I thought a computer guy but I’m technology incompetent at times, so while I know the basics about computers, I know absolutely nothing about TVs, ipads, tablets, cameras or anything else that needs to be charged.  I only use my phone for the basic functions.  A tech guy comes in handy when your computer dies or tries to, when you want to buy a TV and hook it up, when you have questions or just to watch TV, because his TV and surround sound will be better than yours.

A Wallet:  This guy is who people would consider your bottom.  You may have been serious with him for a while but things didn’t work out but so when you need anything you can call him.  He is the guy with extra money who supports you when you need it.  I am not saying that you use him unnecessarily but he is a valuable resource so don’t abuse it.  This is the guy you have to keep happy while maintaining your freedom and depending on the man it’s a balancing act because you have history so feelings are involved at times.

I’ve neglected posting my email responses so here are the last few I answered.

Email #1:

Is sex better when you don’t give a fuck?

I don’t think so.  I think that you get to a point where you learn to enjoy sex regardless of your emotional connection.  I think that it may be better when you enjoy being with the other person because you guys have more chemistry and feel more responsible for the other person’s pleasure.  The number one rule to sex and not giving a fuck is being responsible for your own orgasm, meaning do what ever it is that you need to do to get off and be the first to get there. When you are with someone who you have an emotional connection to you feel somewhat responsible for that persons pleasure, there is something more there than the physical.  Some guys get off on pleasing but a lot of them don’t so, if you are not going to give a fuck and have emotionless sex get off don’t be there for his or her pleasure be there for yours.

You don’t have to not give fuck, it doesn’t work for everyone so just know who you are, what you’re comfortable with and go with that.

Email 2:

You seem to be a cool person why are you anonymous?

Because I choose to be.  I think there is something fun about reaching people who know nothing about me.   Because I am anonymous I try to be as honest about things as I can; although I’m anonymous this is a very real depiction of who I am in person.  I also think it gives me a certain level a freedom when discussing things on this blog.

Email 3:

Are you a feminist?

I am pro women , don’t identify as a feminist or anything else.

Email 4:

Where are you from?  Do you want to be Sex positive with and for me?

I am from Michigan currently living in Georgia.  Creepy internet man,  I don’t do the online thing and getting sex is easy just get advice form this guy.

1. GO OUT:  It does not have  to be some extravagant over the top activity every time.  It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge.  If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.

2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build.  I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.

3. Terrible Panties:  The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own.  Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs.   Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.

4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex.  OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???”  I say hold up.  I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.

5. Don’t focus on his sexy:  There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy,  I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.

The way I know that I really like a guy is when I care about how he feels and I’m upset or disappointed by something he does or doesn’t do.  In that moment I think to myself “Damn it he’s got me”.  There is one person in particular that I try my damnedest to be great for.  Not because I’m not great anyway, but he brings out the best in me.  He makes me want to be everything I never thought I wanted to be.  So one time when he didn’t call me back, like he said he would, I was upset and then I knew I gave a more than a few fucks because I actually ran through all of the things he could be doing besides talking to me.  In reality he was asleep and I was wondering what he was doing but of course I didn’t call (I didn’t want to seem too pressed).  Under a normal circumstance I would have forgot he was supposed to call back or not thought twice about it.

In short, I try to only waste energy on people I like I don’t over analyze or agonize over the ones around for entertainment and company.  I like doing random things and I need people around who want to do it with me.  You have to decide when to care. With careful control over your impulsive emotions you too can seem not only heartless but can become indifferent too.  I know someone is reading this like what good is a chick who doesn’t get upset.  People think that women need to have emotions so men can have reactions.  So to you I say the fact that I’m single says a lot about how I treat these hoes…  Not saying that I haven’t been in a meaningful fulfilling relationship. I just try to put potential relationship energy into people who I could potentially be in a relationship with. So please be careful because being upset directly correlates to giving a fuck.

I guess this something I need to work on because at the end of the day,  I believe in enjoying the person I choose to be with no matter what; popularity shouldn’t bother me.  I guess I’m just leery.  I am the person who is not on fb for more than a day at a time per business quarter and who sporadically tweets.  I kept a very low profile for reasons but it has become a way of life for me and I like it that way… Kinda like being a phantom. I move seamlessly in an out of social groups without leaving anything more than memories.

I guess the funniest part about all of this is I’ve never felt more like myself than I do at this time in my life.  I am content with who I am becoming and where my life is headed.  So it’s not about insecurity; even the thought of me being insecure is crazy.  I’m working on it though so as he would say… Stay Tuned.

 Don’t sell yourself short but don’t be ridiculous… You have know what you are willing to accept and what you’re not.  If you are casually dating this could mean a few ignored texts, or a couple flakes.  Whatever you do, don’t sell yourself short. But realize when you are being ridiculous.  When you meet someone new, respect the fact that you are a new addition and understand that they had a life before you.

Figuring out if you like someone may take more than one date… Sometimes you vibe with people from the beginning and other times it has to build up.  I think first dates are for you to simply see is if you like the person’s swag and vibe.  I feel this way because first dates are usually awkward for people who aren’t into  a) dating and b)  aren’t comfortable with strangers.  I am always leery of men who talk too fast and too smooth because they will tell you what they think you want to hear.

Don’t ignore the red flags…. Sometimes there are huge red flags like 4 children and 3 baby mothers.  Or never worked  a job for more than a few months at a time.  Both of these things scream irresponsible to me.  Sometimes there are more subtle ones like his phone continuously rings or he’s distracted. He seems in a rush or he asks questions that are too personal.  No matter how comfortable you feel, a person who doesn’t want to take their time to get to know is not worth your time.

Do your research…  I think social media is great, I don’t actually use it, but it is great.  If a person wants to put themselves out there for the world to see, it is your duty as part of the world to see them.  I think it’s ok to check facebook, twitter and instagram; as long as you’re not stalking their pages for updates and checking out their friends pages with malice intent.  They show a lot about a person’s character and with that said can tell you a lot.  But you can only take that stuff for face value because we can all be be whomever we choose on the internet; I know y’all watch Catfish.

Don’t get physical on the first date and don’t rush into the sex talk…. When you start to talk about sex the next step is usually sex.  If you like him make him; wait.  If you want to see if he is serious make him wait.  Now if you are not interested in being serious and are just trying to have fun why waste time dating?  I had a friend who I didn’t waste time dating, we hung out usually in the house with alcohol watching The Wire reruns.  We had ok conversation that was never too personal and great sex.  We didn’t dilute the situation with extravagant dates.  If we went to hang out it was at the strip club… You get the picture?

Know what you want...  So many of us, and by us I mean women but so many men too, don’t know what we want.  Are you looking for a serious relationship?  Are you dating for fun or marriage?  Do you just want to get your back blown out after the club or would you like to maybe take him or her home to your parents one day? If you know where you want to go then you know what kind of person you want to invest your time in. Don’t waste time on Mr “Girl like your fat ass” when you are looking for Boaz.

Have something else to occupy your mind or at least your time… I’ve done it, I think we all have.  You had a great date and you obsess about what happens next…. My advice is get a hobby that is not dating.  You should not be so wrapped up with your dating life that you have nothing else to look forward to. Mainly because if it is going to get serious it takes time and effort to incorporate another person in your life. Also because you don’t want to seem or feel pressed (i.e. Desperate).

Have fun and be Open Minded… Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. Just have fun with it and keep an open mind.  What you want may not come in the package you thought it would come in.  If someone wants to do something you’re not comfortable with because it’s unfamiliar, I say do it. If they want you to dress up as a Red Power Ranger; RUN.  Try new things, within reason.  It may work to your advantage. Just have fun and keep an open mind, you may surprise yourself.

Be Yourself… Don’t try to be anyone other than who you really are; if you fake it, it will not work. I once told a guy I was  into comics and I didn’t know anything about comic. It blew up in my face when I found out he actually had all of his comics from childhood and I asked him what was difference between Marvel and DC. If you pretend it will catch up with you.  Be who you are if he likes you, he likes you, if he doesn’t someone else will.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

Tagged: friendship, lessons, life, love, lust, men, relationships, sex ]]> http://everythingloveandlust.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/friends-with-benefits-gone-awry/feed/ 6 everythingloveandlust http://everythingloveandlust.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/email-response/ http://everythingloveandlust.wordpress.com/2013/01/14/email-response/#comments Mon, 14 Jan 2013 23:15:17 +0000 everything L&L http://everythingloveandlust.wordpress.com/?p=1606 ]]> What is Sex Positive and are you using that term to justify being a slut/hoe???

Oh wow….  I see you didn’t leave this in the comments so I am going to post this answer as well as email it to you.  Sex positive is an ideology.  There was a link in the original post but you can use this one.

Sex positivity does not dictate quantity, it does not suggest that in order to be sex positive you have to be promiscuous. Sex positivity is the idea that I choose to sexually express myself how I see fit without the constraints placed on my behavior by society.  To some that may mean promiscuity but to me it means quality.  But lets face it in order to know what you like you have to try things and people out.  I am open to trying new things and push my sexual boundaries, as long as I am comfortable with the person involved and the activity.  It’s does not mean that I must try everything with everyone but to simply push the limits of my idea of pleasure.  Let’s say for instance I am comfortable with BDSM with Guy A, but not so comfortable with Guy B, because Guy B takes a little too much pleasure in my pain (SM), while Guy A is more enticed by the control (BD).  I am not suggesting that that I don’t recognize how this can impact my reputation.  However being mature enough to understand the consequences of behaviors that society deems unacceptable is a part of everyone’s life.  I feel that  what I do with a partner(s) is not other people’s business; with that being said I do not consider myself a slut or hoe.  I hope that clears it up.

Have you ever been with someone and thought this can’t be it… You can’t be it.  I Love you but I just feel it in my guts that this is not what my life is supposed to be.

I truly believe that the heart wants what the heart wants.  That there are people who come into your life for a short time and leave a lasting impression on your heart and spirit and people who will be around for a very long time and but will not do the same.  This is about the one, this is about fate.  The possibility that there is someone for everyone we just have to meet them.

I think that in relationships we get comfortable.  Comfortable with the life we create with one another and comfortable with familiarity, even when our entire being is suffocating in a relationship we stick it out.  I am not referring to the uncomfortable times when things just make us feel bad like, infidelity, jealousy and other things that come with relationships.  I am referring to the times when things are going perfectly but you can’t breathe, when you wake up in the middle of the night look over at the person and want to get away from them even though they’ve done nothing wrong.

I don’t understand why people feel as though things need to go wrong in order move on from a relationship.  Has society made complacency the norm in relationships, do we really believe that is will always get better and that it’s just a rough patch?

I don’t want to a feel as though the life is being sucked out of me because I am comfortable.  We should not settle for familiar when extraordinary is out there.  When you meet a person who makes you want to be better and makes you feel as though there is so much more to life and if there isn’t that’s OK,  because they are there with you; I think you’ve found your person.  The one person created just for you.

I choose to not be complacent in a relationship because I am the person who will leave in the middle of the night and not wait for the feeling to pass. I want the person who soothes my soul and makes my heart smile.  I want the person undoubtedly make me better and ultimately wants the best for me.  Someone who will support me when needed but will also roll over look me directly in the eyes and say you need to get your shit together; and not for himself but for me.  The one man who calls me on my bullshit but accepts that it comes with the territory.  Who will not always give me what I want but is more concerned with what I need.

If you can find that person you may have found the ONE.

]]> http://everythingloveandlust.wordpress.com/2013/01/05/if-loving-you-is-right-then-i-want-to-be-wrong/feed/ 7 everythingloveandlust suffocating