I’ve been trying to figure out how to incorporate Black history month into this blog without it seeming random and I finally figured it out. Black history ansdculture is a passsion of mine, so much so, that I studied it extensively in college, so I knew that I had to do something; but I didn’t want to lose the direction in which my blog is going. I weighed options like profiles of black beauties, black relationship woes, etc. Well none of that would interest me enough to think of make it a recurring topic so I finally settled on Forbidden Love, which will be weekly. I have no idea where this will take us. Please read and enjoy. The first post will be coming soon; maybe even later today.
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I recently read a tweet that made me pause, it read:
”Gotta love an ambitious woman who puts up a front, patiently waiting for that dark knight in shining armor, you WILL get your man, hopefully”
First off I think women, especially successful women are caught in a catch 22. Today we all have to be able to bring something to relationships, but I find it very interesting that if you are successful and ambitious you are waiting on a knight in shining armor, because you want someone equally, if not more, successful. If you are less successful you are a gold digger wanting to be saved.
I was raised with old school values and new school rules. My Dad made it very clear that men should want to provide for the women that they love and his families. But he also made it clear that you don’t depend on a man to provide those things, you have to want to provide them for yourself. My Dad taught me that a relationship is not 50/50 in every aspect. Someone is always going to out perform the other in some way, either financially or on the home front; it’s a balancing act. The man not willing to, or more importantly wanting to, provide for his woman and family is not worth a woman’s time or energy.
The independent woman model has been shoved down our throats for the last two or three decades. I do not believe there is anything wrong with women being independent or successful. I have a problem with the fact that independent women are portrayed as not needing a man and successful men are portrayed as being taken advantage of. At what point did it stop being ok for men to make more money and to want to take care of the woman in his life?
I am not saying that men should always make more money, but in actuality it is shown that there are disparities in salaries for identical careers between the sexes. So by nature of the beast it is very likely that at the same level of success, the man will in fact make more money. The idea that ambitious women are waiting for someone to rescue them from the lives they have built for themselves is ridiculous. I do not speak for all women but I tend to be an equal opportunist. How you treat me is far more important than how much money you make. I know that in the long run if you choose a person solely based on the ability to provide, you are selling yourself short. And the funny thing is because you already have a pretty good work ethic you don’t need a man to save you.
I just want the man in my life to want to provide for me regardless of his ability to do so. I want a man who will work as hard as I do. I don’t feel it necessary to find someone more successful I just want someone with the same work ethic. This front that was mentioned in this tweet is silly, if he hasn’t noticed somone has to play the part of the knight.
I’ve been reading a lot of post and articles about women on the side. After some consideration I decided to give my 3 1/2 cents. Personally, I will not knowingly get involved with a person in a relationship. I just think it’s in bad taste. All the men out here I will not share one. I am, to be blunt, selfish and I like to have the attention when I want it. I don’t wish to compete or be second to anyone other than his family. Having been cheated on in the past I do not blame the basic ass females doing this. Only your significant other is obligated to care about your feelings. The times that I have been cheated on I reacted in various ways. The first time I was young and dumb, I befriended the other woman; to this day I don’t know why. The second time I blamed him. (By the way these were two different men. ) I blamed him for everything. It was then I realized that only he could hurt me emotionally.
Having been the girlfriend I can honestly say that I despise woman who will settle for being the side chick. I just don’t get. I guess I think I deserve a hell of a lot. I remember reading the message between them and thinking “Really?”. If you always have to question where you stand with a person is it worth the energy? She was questioning her place in his life and settling for attending his classes, seeing him at work and probably a meal or two. I’m sorry but in all of my years in college I never attended anyones classes but my own. We lived together so it was a pretty clear to me what he did with his free time. I truly don’t know the full extent of their relationship but I know enough to know that, she was settling for less than I would have ever settled for. I just feel like you don’t take what you can get; you take what you feel like you are entitled to. I say that I despise them because I feel like it cheapens the value of women. Like Erica Mena said on Love and Hip Hop ”You messing up my Money Bi$*h when you doing sh-t for free.”, she used it in a completely different context but it applies here. Why would a man put in the work when he can get all the perks with little effort.
I don’t know how this correlates to self-worth I actually don’t care. I think that if you’re about that life go for it. I, for one, am not here for that. I like to feel needed and how can he need me when he goes home to someone else. How can he really value me if he has someone who he gives more time and energy to? I don’t get what women get out of being the woman on the side. It makes no sense to me. There is always the it’s just physical argument, well if that’s the case, it should not be a recurring situation; it should be once in a while without the constant communication and envy of the actual girlfriend. If the woman on the side can say she doesn’t want the top spot more power to her, but I am not talking to her. I’m talking about the women who are looking for love when they are getting leftovers.
All in all I don’t blame the women because they are clearly desperate heauxs getting it how ever they can.
Do people really know what’s it’s like to fall in Love with someone anymore? I find myself struggling with this on a regular basis. I look at people who have been married for decades and I think that won’t happen in my generation. It will not happen to me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to give myself completely to someone. To truly believe that they are not looking for the next best thing.
With all of the social networking, we are bombarded with other people’s lives and I feel that makes its harder for us to live our own. Defining Love for myself has become increasing difficult to grasp; my abstract ideas are constantly under attack. On twitter @happilyme0784 rants about how Love consistently does her wrong. On Facebook Joe Blow asks “Where the hoes at?” right after he asks “Why do nice guys always finish last?”. Then Tumblr hits me with the never-ending stream of moving on quotes, “Sometimes it’s moving on, not giving up”. Where does it end??? Seriously people come on.
Our relationships have no road maps anymore. We are so jaded by our own and other people’s experiences, we’re finding it hard to believe that Love exist in anything other than a dysfunctional relationship. Being in Love can not be taught; we are told that it just happens. However we can’t sustain healthy relationships that foster enough trust to get to the Love part. While the relationship part is taught, and I hate to say it but, a lot us have not seen a healthy relationship or our parents have a very successful marriage and we have no clue how they did it.
I am starting to feel that we are lost when it comes to Love. In the age of casual internet hookups and constant images of past Loves on our computer screens everyday things get even more complicated. We not only have a lot to digest, we have a hard time letting go. We have to realize that Love will only give as much as we can take. We can’t be loved into submission, even though Hollywood would like to us to believe that we can. We have to learn to accept it and focus on the potential Love not the potential heartache. Ranting about our relationship successes and being wise enough to know when to stay or when to walk away.
“Sticks and stones can break bones but words will break a heart.” -Me
Watch what you say… Words Hurt!
In my relationship I have learned to watch what I say this simply because emotions don’t always bring out the best in me, as a matter of fact, sometimes it brings out the worst. I use to, and still do, get irritated with my man because he takes so long to think about what he is going to say when we are mid argument. Seriously his life flashed before my eyes because I was 3 seconds from ripping the words out of his mouth. He always takes his time which makes arguments extremely difficult for me. I am the type of person who can argue for hours non stop because, well I like to think that in a past life I was some hot shot lawyer, but really because I don’t have to be right I just have to prove that there is a possibility that he is wrong. In doing this I sometimes alienate him, when we should be working on problems together. I would be so focused on winning the argument that I would lose sight of finding a solution. I have said things in the heat of an argument not because I felt those things overall but I felt that way in the moment.
When he takes his time and is thoughtful and careful I’ve been forced to think about what I am going to say as well as listen to what he’s saying. He forces me to calm down a little after each point, so that my words are not so explosive and hurtful. He takes his time to think because he doesn’t want to be misinterpreted and he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings unnecessarily. I don’t always have that kind of forethought. Words hurt and they hurt because we don’t think about what we say. We don’t consider the lasting affects this may have on our relationships. Be thoughtful and watch what you say a 2 min argument could leave bruises or even wounds that can take a long time, or that will never heal.
My PMS has been out of control recently. It’s funny that I’m writing this post. For a very long time I thought PMS was yet a another naturally occurring condition that was used to control women through propaganda. I am a skeptic when it comes to treating certain conditions that are thought to afflict women. Things such as menopause, PMS, heavy periods, and even childbirth don’t necessarily need treatment. I do acknowledge that there are times when treatment is necessary but I, more often than not, choose to trust my body. Enough of my feminist rant before I further go into the medicalization of being a woman argument.
PMS is real, and can be extreme. While I am not one to blame PMS just because it’s my God-given right as a woman to do so, at times there is no other explanation. The last few months have been bad but this last month was the worst. I was the most emotional person in the world. I took everything personal and I was more angry than I ever am. I found myself crying about the most meaningless things. For example, I couldn’t find my makeup primer, it was as if my dog died in my arms on the way to the vet. The extreme emotions I felt were almost unreal. I was a walking PMS commercial complete with cramps, bloating and chocolate, 10 seconds from pushing an elderly woman down because she was walking too slow and wouldn’t allow me to pass. I even found my self asking “Whose child is this?”, because a 5-year-old was running rampant in my local Wal-Mart, but looking back on it no more than a regular 5-year-old does. The next time I turn into the wicked witch of the west I will stay indoors like vampire on a sunny day and wait for it to pass. I couldn’t get a handle on my emotions and nothing I could say to myself made me more rational, even though I recognized that I was irritable and angry for no reason other than my monthly reminder of womanhood.