Simple tricks to avoid the Dick

I am very pro sex. I don’t attach my emotions to every sexual encounter and I typically do with my vagina and other privater parts as I please. However there is a part of the female community that likes to withhold sex until they feel the person they are with is worth the effort, and after a few less than stellar encounters I completely understand why.  I have been trying to figure out what I can add this conversation and this is what I came up with.  So if you find yourself trying to hold out this one is for you.  If you can think of more please add them to the comment section.

1. GO OUT:  It does not have  to be some extravagant over the top activity every time.  It could be as simple as going to a coffee shop and chilling out or smoking at a hookah lounge.  If you want to avoid having sex too soon don’t find yourself alone an apartment or house for too long.

2. Don’t go out too Often: If you spend a lot of time together initially you will feel a bond faster and the attraction will be build.  I suggest taking it slow and giving yourself time to process the feelings that you have. Sometimes time apart lets you determine how much you really like someone.

3. Terrible Panties:  The oldest trick I know is to wear your least attractive underwear you own.  Period panties, the ones my dog basically ate the crouch out so there are all this tiny teeth holes, umm the ones that were accidentally bleached, or maybe even buy a pair of high waist briefs.   Unsexy panties are embarrassing and that’s why they work.

4. Never invite him in or go to his place: at least not until you are ready to be alone and are ok with the likelihood of sex.  OK, so you have went out a couple times and there is this moment when you think should “I invite him in or go to his place and have a night cap???”  I say hold up.  I like sex but in due time so when then this dilemma happens I go with nay because if it was good idea I wouldn’t question myself.

5. Don’t focus on his sexy:  There have been guys when I’m like “man he is too sexy,  I just want to know what it be like” then I’m disappointed or obsessed; more than likely disappointed. I’ve learned that if I focus on his personality I can become more attracted to someone I’m not physically feeling or less attracted to someone who I drooled over. Personality affects sex appeal and whether we want to admit it or not the finest people have the worst personalities.

Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

Email Response:

What is Sex Positive and are you using that term to justify being a slut/hoe???

Oh wow….  I see you didn’t leave this in the comments so I am going to post this answer as well as email it to you.  Sex positive is an ideology.  There was a link in the original post but you can use this one.

Sex positivity does not dictate quantity, it does not suggest that in order to be sex positive you have to be promiscuous. Sex positivity is the idea that I choose to sexually express myself how I see fit without the constraints placed on my behavior by society.  To some that may mean promiscuity but to me it means quality.  But lets face it in order to know what you like you have to try things and people out.  I am open to trying new things and push my sexual boundaries, as long as I am comfortable with the person involved and the activity.  It’s does not mean that I must try everything with everyone but to simply push the limits of my idea of pleasure.  Let’s say for instance I am comfortable with BDSM with Guy A, but not so comfortable with Guy B, because Guy B takes a little too much pleasure in my pain (SM), while Guy A is more enticed by the control (BD).  I am not suggesting that that I don’t recognize how this can impact my reputation.  However being mature enough to understand the consequences of behaviors that society deems unacceptable is a part of everyone’s life.  I feel that  what I do with a partner(s) is not other people’s business; with that being said I do not consider myself a slut or hoe.  I hope that clears it up.

I am Sex Positive

I am sex positive. I do not acknowledge or bare the shame that has been associated with my sex.  I do not feel the pressure to repress any state of my being. I go after what I want, no matter what looks are given to me.  I am sex positive because as  a child I was called “fast” and “boy crazy”. I was lead to believe that there was something wrong with my sexuality, that it was a woman’s secret and a man’s right.  I am sex positive because my ancestors were seen as and labeled hyper sexual as a way to excuse inhumane treatment; as a way to bare the same of another cultures lust.  I feel that I have the right to express myself and my sex in whichever way I see fit. I do not believe in the slut and the walk of shame simply means that my night was better than yours.  I do not acknowledge those who see me as loose, because while my “morals” may be dissolute, my vagina is resilient.  I am sex positive because double standards are bullshit and I never divide my number by 2 and subtract 3. I am sex positive because you don’t have to be video vixen, stripper or groupie/jump-off to be sexual. There is nothing wrong with my sex. I am sex positive because bad girls have more fun, because there are so many things that you experience when you give less fucks about people’s opinions.  I am sex positive because I trust myself and I know myself enough to know that sex is only one small part of who I am; it does not mold me into something or someone that I am not. I am sex positive because the women’s movement happened, because I live in a country where being sexy is great, but a women having lots of sex is not.  Where we simultaneously frown on the veil and nudity.  Where the dichotomy of acceptable and unacceptable is fluid but is always more strict on women.   I am sex positive because above all else I am a women and not just a women, a black women who is sexy and smart enough to not be bound by the constraints placed on her sex.

My first E-mail Question YAY!!!

Everything L and L,

I enjoy reading your blog from time to and I would like to know your take on this.  I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and I want to have sex with him but I don’t want things to change between us.  Do you think there is a way to prevent this?

Umm sex is tricky.   At a month into something I would think that you have a pretty good feel for this guy and what he thinks about sex, especially if you are thinking about doing it. If you think it will change things then don’t have sex with him; unless you want things to change.  I am not a fan of 90 day rules or anything that places stringent terms on things like this because every situation is different.  However I think if you want things to get serious you have to be strategic with your panties.  I know it’s really messed up to say this but you make the guys you take  serious wait, and all the others it doesn’t really matter.

In reality you have to do what feels  right for you. Before having sex with anyone you should know their ideals in regards to protection,  birth control and what happens if you guys slip up. If you don’t know these things then you should  pump your brakes.  Communication is key in any relationship so you should have this talk first. If you think this guy genuinely likes you and takes you serious then go for it, but if there are still doubts don’t.

From the sounds of this e-mail you have your doubts and maybe it has something to do with past experiences, so let me address that.  If you have been wrong in the past about a man’s intentions then you need to have a serious conversation about that what his intentions are; guessing is never good for anyone.  When having sex with a person you are pursuing a serious relationship with, you have to keep your expectations high for him even after you guys have sex; don’t become dicknotized. It is ok to bask in the a newness of the relationship without getting physical because getting to know someone is part of the fun, it may not be easy but it might be worth it. Also you have to remember that if it’s all good now you could have sex with him and be completely turned off, because not all dick is good dick. My advice is proceed with caution.

69

This position isn’t about mutual pleasure and enjoyment, like people claim.  It is a competition.  This is a challenge between lovers.  If you’re winning, the other person won’t be able to focus well enough for you to enjoy the position.  If you’re enjoying it then chances are you’re losing.  If you’re both enjoying it then you both suck at oral.

BDSM: Why not jump on the band wagon.

While aimlessly surfing blog sites recently I’ve noticed a new trend; BDSM is a new movement.  For those of you who are new to this, as am I, BDSM means Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Masochism.  It is a way to describe your sexual preferences; and from the looks of this, these preferences fall within a wide range of activities from being tied up (who hasn’t done that), to being completely dominated and even humiliated.  In the wake of being bombarded with this new debate I begin to wonder if we are over sexed???  So much so, that regular sex doesn’t work for us anymore. Then I had an internal debate about what normal means, or perhaps we are so comfortable with our sexuality that we just put it all out there… I digress.

BDSM seems too trendy right now and while I am one for something rough here and there, as well as a firm grip on my hair; I hesitate to join this new movement. I guess the irony in that is a that I like to be dominated and I’ve detailed that here.  Trust me I am not knocking it because some of these activities seem basic,  even though some seem a little too far left for me. I guess my hesitation is that once you start to put labels on your behaviors you put yourself in this box.  I think my sexual desires, as with most people, vary from experience to experience and person to person.  If you declare that you like it only this way you close your self off to the possibilities. Another problem I have with it is, just because you have been tied up or spanked a few times doesn’t mean you are about that life; nor does reading  ”50 shades of Grey” qualify you to be a Dom. I mean what are you going to do when you say this to a person and they pull out a whip, a ball gag and then lead you to their soundproof basement?

I would like to end this by saying I respect everyone’s decision to live and enjoy their lives however they choose, this is a judgment free zone.  I would just like for us to be more conscious of the boxes we are trying to jump into.  It does a disservice to the people who are actually serious about certain lifestyles when we jump on the bandwagon and spread ignorant perspectives.  Some things are not to be taken lightly and while this may not be one of them, just be sure that when you put yourself in a box… you actually fit in it.

Tried and True Lusty Tips From Me to You

These are just a few tips that might make life more interesting for all of you who may be stuck in rut.

• Kiss. Gently bite his lip when kissing.  I’m not a big fan of tongue but some people are, so learn how to incorporate it correctly. All people aren’t good kissers and if your partner isn’t take the lead.
• When giving oral, swallow and after that keep going for about 30 seconds or longer. He will Love you for it.
• When having sex if it’s not working for you, start by making minor adjustments such as limb placement. The minor changes can make a big difference.
• Forget breakfast have MORNING SEX, start your day off right.
• In public flirt with him like you’ve been wanting him all day. When you get home take advantage of the willing.
• Lay down on your stomach with your legs together and let him enter you from behind. This drives him wild every time.
• Many women leave the condom choices to the man, change this.  Stroll down the condom aisle and buy some condoms that seem interesting to you.  Just be sure they are the right size for your partner.  I strongly suggest buying the thinnest condoms you can find.
• Do Kegels throughout the day. They are by far my most important form of exercise, to me. Tighten your pelvic floor muscles hold for 20 seconds, repeat 3-5 times.  I usually do this about 3 times a day.  If you have a lot of sex it helps keep you tight in all the right places.  No one knows I’m doing it and not only does it exercise your vaginal muscles but it helps your bladder too.
• Send a sexy pic of yourself when he least expects it.  Does he have a meeting or conference? Is he out drinking with friends? Send him a pic just to show him what’s on your mind.
• Sound like your enjoying it but try to avoid sounding like you’re being killed.  Have you ever watched porn on mute? Not the same effect, right? Well that’s because we like what we see to match what we hear.  Moaning is a turn on, screaming like you’re being stabbed, for the most part, is not.
• Figure him out… Watch for his reaction this will tell you when you’re pushing the right buttons.
• Think outside of your box you might like more things than you think.

Sex Changes Things so Talk About it

Is it to soon to talk about sex with a person you are trying to date or dating??? I think it depends.  How soon do you plan on having sex with the person?  Do you find yourself getting the urge to jump on top of them whenever you are together? If so, the you probably should probably sop reading this blog post, and talk about it.  If not then it depends.

Sex is one of those sticky subjects.  Should you be completely honest?  Are they going to judge you? You don’t want to set up these expectations that you’re easy or amazing in bed but you don’t want to seem like a prude.  More often than not we hint at the topic without having an open and honest conversation. You guys throw in a dirty joke here and there and then the next thing you know you are looking for your underwear in the dark trying to sneak out of someone’s house, and eventually you leave the underwear and get the heck out to avoid the awkward conversation that might follow. Don’t deny it, it’s OK  because this is a judgement free zone.  But all of this just happened and you have no idea what that person thinks about sex. Now I’m not suggesting that people start to talk about sex early on because I think early is changing in the minds of everyone; we are all moving at hyper speed.  With the availability of constant communication and social networking you can find out far too much too early, and without asking.

Ok so what do I think… I think that it’s never too early to have the conversation and it’s never too early to do the deed.   Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to wait but if a person is genuinely interested in you they will want to know who you are, if you wait 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months.  I’ve asked the guys that I know and they all seem to think that they don’t view a woman any differently based on the amount of time she makes him wait, it has more to do with how he felt about her before and where the relationship will go after that.   The general consensus is that sex early will not hinder a relationship but it begs the question, “Do you do this with everyone?”. Of course there were variables like, was alcohol involved, how much time are we spending together, and when was the last time either of us had sex? But those questions didn’t change the ultimate answer.

It is very important to note that although I may have an “it’s just sex” attitude, I can recognize that sex does change things between people and we should respect that fact.  So if you are going to have sex be ready for the consequences. This person may judge you on your performance or they may judge you because you were easy and maybe even lose respect for you, even in 2012 with a new sexual revolution going on.  So be ready.

Protect Yourself

I would love to say that I’ve never had sex without a condom but damn it, I fucking hate condoms.  I will say that I am very particular about who I choose to disregard my overall health with and who is worthy of the awesomeness that is unprotected sex.  I don’t think anyone is worth my health or well being, but that’s not to implying that I don’t trust anyone enough to forgo the gift wrap.  I never argue condoms for birth control in the case of women because I feel that all women not ready to have children should be on some form of birth control. I’ve  also found that  birth control can actually be a deterrent for condom use because well pregnancy is way more immediate than HIV and other STI’s won’t kill you if detected early.

Those of us who were blessed with sex education we know that condoms not only protect against STI’s and pregnancy they make great water balloons and banana covers. On a serious note who is worth your life, if it is not the person you are with then wrap it up.  I have a friend who stashes condoms everywhere. I must say he is pretty clever too, never killing the mood to find one or fumbling to put it on; he has that shit down to a science.

• Guys be creative with the process put some fucking thought into it. Where are the possible places you might have sex and where can you stash the latex life rafts???  LOOK AT HER!!!! This is your only chance to not potentially end up on Maury.  Do you really want any or anymore mini me’s running around?

• Ladies figure out how you can make putting a condom on fun or quick and be able to know the difference between condom sex and raw sex.  His dick could have been anywhere, and by anywhere I mean everywhere but inside of you.

• Everyone we can’t blame other people for our actions or inactions at the end of the day we all decide our own fate one way or another.