Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

BDSM: Why not jump on the band wagon.

While aimlessly surfing blog sites recently I’ve noticed a new trend; BDSM is a new movement.  For those of you who are new to this, as am I, BDSM means Bondage, Discipline, Submission and Masochism.  It is a way to describe your sexual preferences; and from the looks of this, these preferences fall within a wide range of activities from being tied up (who hasn’t done that), to being completely dominated and even humiliated.  In the wake of being bombarded with this new debate I begin to wonder if we are over sexed???  So much so, that regular sex doesn’t work for us anymore. Then I had an internal debate about what normal means, or perhaps we are so comfortable with our sexuality that we just put it all out there… I digress.

BDSM seems too trendy right now and while I am one for something rough here and there, as well as a firm grip on my hair; I hesitate to join this new movement. I guess the irony in that is a that I like to be dominated and I’ve detailed that here.  Trust me I am not knocking it because some of these activities seem basic,  even though some seem a little too far left for me. I guess my hesitation is that once you start to put labels on your behaviors you put yourself in this box.  I think my sexual desires, as with most people, vary from experience to experience and person to person.  If you declare that you like it only this way you close your self off to the possibilities. Another problem I have with it is, just because you have been tied up or spanked a few times doesn’t mean you are about that life; nor does reading  ”50 shades of Grey” qualify you to be a Dom. I mean what are you going to do when you say this to a person and they pull out a whip, a ball gag and then lead you to their soundproof basement?

I would like to end this by saying I respect everyone’s decision to live and enjoy their lives however they choose, this is a judgment free zone.  I would just like for us to be more conscious of the boxes we are trying to jump into.  It does a disservice to the people who are actually serious about certain lifestyles when we jump on the bandwagon and spread ignorant perspectives.  Some things are not to be taken lightly and while this may not be one of them, just be sure that when you put yourself in a box… you actually fit in it.

Tried and True Lusty Tips From Me to You

These are just a few tips that might make life more interesting for all of you who may be stuck in rut.

• Kiss. Gently bite his lip when kissing.  I’m not a big fan of tongue but some people are, so learn how to incorporate it correctly. All people aren’t good kissers and if your partner isn’t take the lead.
• When giving oral, swallow and after that keep going for about 30 seconds or longer. He will Love you for it.
• When having sex if it’s not working for you, start by making minor adjustments such as limb placement. The minor changes can make a big difference.
• Forget breakfast have MORNING SEX, start your day off right.
• In public flirt with him like you’ve been wanting him all day. When you get home take advantage of the willing.
• Lay down on your stomach with your legs together and let him enter you from behind. This drives him wild every time.
• Many women leave the condom choices to the man, change this.  Stroll down the condom aisle and buy some condoms that seem interesting to you.  Just be sure they are the right size for your partner.  I strongly suggest buying the thinnest condoms you can find.
• Do Kegels throughout the day. They are by far my most important form of exercise, to me. Tighten your pelvic floor muscles hold for 20 seconds, repeat 3-5 times.  I usually do this about 3 times a day.  If you have a lot of sex it helps keep you tight in all the right places.  No one knows I’m doing it and not only does it exercise your vaginal muscles but it helps your bladder too.
• Send a sexy pic of yourself when he least expects it.  Does he have a meeting or conference? Is he out drinking with friends? Send him a pic just to show him what’s on your mind.
• Sound like your enjoying it but try to avoid sounding like you’re being killed.  Have you ever watched porn on mute? Not the same effect, right? Well that’s because we like what we see to match what we hear.  Moaning is a turn on, screaming like you’re being stabbed, for the most part, is not.
• Figure him out… Watch for his reaction this will tell you when you’re pushing the right buttons.
• Think outside of your box you might like more things than you think.

Sex Changes Things so Talk About it

Is it to soon to talk about sex with a person you are trying to date or dating??? I think it depends.  How soon do you plan on having sex with the person?  Do you find yourself getting the urge to jump on top of them whenever you are together? If so, the you probably should probably sop reading this blog post, and talk about it.  If not then it depends.

Sex is one of those sticky subjects.  Should you be completely honest?  Are they going to judge you? You don’t want to set up these expectations that you’re easy or amazing in bed but you don’t want to seem like a prude.  More often than not we hint at the topic without having an open and honest conversation. You guys throw in a dirty joke here and there and then the next thing you know you are looking for your underwear in the dark trying to sneak out of someone’s house, and eventually you leave the underwear and get the heck out to avoid the awkward conversation that might follow. Don’t deny it, it’s OK  because this is a judgement free zone.  But all of this just happened and you have no idea what that person thinks about sex. Now I’m not suggesting that people start to talk about sex early on because I think early is changing in the minds of everyone; we are all moving at hyper speed.  With the availability of constant communication and social networking you can find out far too much too early, and without asking.

Ok so what do I think… I think that it’s never too early to have the conversation and it’s never too early to do the deed.   Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to wait but if a person is genuinely interested in you they will want to know who you are, if you wait 5 days, 5 weeks, or 5 months.  I’ve asked the guys that I know and they all seem to think that they don’t view a woman any differently based on the amount of time she makes him wait, it has more to do with how he felt about her before and where the relationship will go after that.   The general consensus is that sex early will not hinder a relationship but it begs the question, “Do you do this with everyone?”. Of course there were variables like, was alcohol involved, how much time are we spending together, and when was the last time either of us had sex? But those questions didn’t change the ultimate answer.

It is very important to note that although I may have an “it’s just sex” attitude, I can recognize that sex does change things between people and we should respect that fact.  So if you are going to have sex be ready for the consequences. This person may judge you on your performance or they may judge you because you were easy and maybe even lose respect for you, even in 2012 with a new sexual revolution going on.  So be ready.

Protect Yourself

I would love to say that I’ve never had sex without a condom but damn it, I fucking hate condoms.  I will say that I am very particular about who I choose to disregard my overall health with and who is worthy of the awesomeness that is unprotected sex.  I don’t think anyone is worth my health or well being, but that’s not to implying that I don’t trust anyone enough to forgo the gift wrap.  I never argue condoms for birth control in the case of women because I feel that all women not ready to have children should be on some form of birth control. I’ve  also found that  birth control can actually be a deterrent for condom use because well pregnancy is way more immediate than HIV and other STI’s won’t kill you if detected early.

Those of us who were blessed with sex education we know that condoms not only protect against STI’s and pregnancy they make great water balloons and banana covers. On a serious note who is worth your life, if it is not the person you are with then wrap it up.  I have a friend who stashes condoms everywhere. I must say he is pretty clever too, never killing the mood to find one or fumbling to put it on; he has that shit down to a science.

• Guys be creative with the process put some fucking thought into it. Where are the possible places you might have sex and where can you stash the latex life rafts???  LOOK AT HER!!!! This is your only chance to not potentially end up on Maury.  Do you really want any or anymore mini me’s running around?

• Ladies figure out how you can make putting a condom on fun or quick and be able to know the difference between condom sex and raw sex.  His dick could have been anywhere, and by anywhere I mean everywhere but inside of you.

• Everyone we can’t blame other people for our actions or inactions at the end of the day we all decide our own fate one way or another.

Option #3: Looking into the Anal Abyss

Anal Sex…. I had to type just to be sure that I wanted to share this post.  I follow a gay blogger on tumblr who said something interesting about straight men and being competition for women because he believes that he can turn straight men, if not completely homosexual, at least bi;  to summarize he said,  women will get tatoos, all types of piercings, have cramps monthly and give natural childbirth but wont do anal because it hurts too much??? So of course I said to myself “unfortunately ladies he has a point”  Aside from the fact that I think what he said in terms of turning straight men gay is completely asinine, he did have a point. The thing is, I honestly believe that more women do it, or at least have tried it, then they will admit. I don’t think that the lure of anal sex can turn a straight man gay, he already had to be curious about being with a man, and even more than curious but completely open to the idea.  But what is it about anal that makes women cringe or not even open to try it???

The reason why I called this post Option 3 (not including hand jobs) is because women have options, the anus is not the only way we can be penetrated. It is one of only two ways for gay men (if oral is considered penetration); making the choice for women to try anal is a lot more of compromise. In my experience anal has always been this taboo subject that everyone is curious about, but either they are afraid of the judgment or the pain.  Another thing to point out is that the anus is not considered sexy for obvious reasons. I mean lets face it, none of us really know if it was intended for sexual pleasure or if it’s just one of those things that are happenstance; I guess if you think that homosexuality was created by God then you believe this his way of making it happen.  I have no thoughts on homosexuality simply because if it is a sin, no sin is greater than another and I am not one to judge.  So actually my only thought on homosexuality is that we should all be afforded that same rights under man-made laws; gay, straight, queer or otherwise.  Now back our originally scheduled programming….

Anal can be pleasurable for women, and although I’m not strapping on a dildo for my man in the near or far away future, for men as well. In men the anus provides prostate stimulation which supposedly provides the male equivalent to multiple orgasms. In women, the anus shares a wall with the vagina making it easier for some women to climax through anal penetration, not to mention the anus has more nerve ending then the vagina, so after the initial pain there is said to be pleasure.  The funny thing about the pain is that the first few times you have vaginal intercourse it hurts but we keep doing until it feels good. But of course straight men don’t know virginal pain so the idea of anal penetration and the pain associated with it may sound absurd.

There are several arguments for and against, but if you are curious about trying it, go for it, I mean what do you really have to lose your anal virginity?  Speaking of anal virginity, some women are staying vaginal virgins but practicing anal intercourse only, crazy I know…  But if you have no interest in it don’t feel bad about that either, it’s your body do what you’re comfortable with doing, with whom you’re comfortable doing it.   Whatever you decide be safe and use the proper protection. I am not going to give tips on anal sex in this post, if you want those you can google or watch this post by GLAMerotica.

What do you think about anal? Have you tried it? have you thought about it?

I may be BAD but I’m perfectly GOOD at it: 10 sex facts about me.

Because my blog is seemingly anonymous I feel comfortable getting a little personal with the sex talk so here we go:

1. I like dirty talk- I like to talk in general and dirty talk excites me. There is something special about saying things you only think to yourself to another person.
2. Missionary – is my favorite position, not because I’m a prude but because I climax the easiest from there.
3. I like to be spanked-  A good spanking is an art form and not everyone can do it right.
4. I am turned on by cocky men-  not arrogant but a little cocky. Have confidence in your abilities and the skills and equipment to back it up
5. I like my hair pulled when it’s long enough- The submissive in my loves it. Just as long as he is aware that the hair is also attached my scalp some way.
6. I like it rough-  There is nothing like pleasure with a little bit of pain.
7. I don’t like to have sex when I’m drunk.- When I was in college my brother told me that I can’t consent when I’m drunk and in my drunkenness I think about that.
8. I’ve never had sex in a pool and I don’t have a desire to-Something about it doesn’t appeal to me I really; don’t know why.
9. I like to be teased- the anticipation gets me warmed up
10. There is nothing better in this world than Multiple Orgasms- enough said

Cumstructive Critcism

This was meant to be Freaky Fridays, but I got lazy at some point on Friday then I thought it might not be a good idea for me to designate a day as I tend to like flexibility. Any who, on to the post.

Have you ever had sex with someone and every 2 seconds they were giving you instructions.  I don’t mean “oh don’t stop, harder, faster” I mean “Use both hands, and hold on to your ankles” kind of instructions.  I like instructions within reason; if what I’m doing is not working for you then by all means tell me what works.  But at some point you need to get out of your own head and comfort zone. Sex doesn’t only feel good one way so if you’re going to give instructions do so within reason.  I Love for a guy to guide me but I don’t want them to make demands. Seriously I start to think, “Do you want to have sex with me or do you just want me to masturbate for you?”;  if you’re constantly giving instructions, nobody is  really going to get off.

After talking to my guy friend the other day he told me not all head is good, and that’s usually when he gives guidance; I know all to well that mediocre oral can be skipped.  Then he went on to say that his ex was not good at giving head or taking instructions.  She got would get an attitude and eventually tell him to do it himself.   I know enough guys to know that if some could they would; but they can’t so they instruct. Which would not be a big deal if it seemed like they appreciated what you were doing in the first place.

Here are some ways that makes it easier for me to take instructions, outside of my S&M experiences.  Maybe they will help, maybe they won’t; I really don’t know.

• Guide me with your hands
• Don’t make demands; be subtle.
• Let me to do it my way first.
• Have an open mind.
• Be into it regardless. For the most part when the other person is aroused you will be too.
• Get me off I will be sure to return the favor

If you can think of any more ways please share.

Eye Candy of the Week

Devin Thomas

My views on the other woman/side-chick.

I’ve been reading a lot of post and articles about women on the side. After some consideration I decided to give my 3 1/2 cents.  Personally, I will not knowingly get involved with a person in a relationship.  I just think it’s in bad taste.  All the men out here I will not share one.  I am, to be blunt, selfish and I like to have the attention when I want it.  I don’t wish to compete or be second to anyone other than his family.  Having been cheated on in the past I do not blame the basic ass females doing this.  Only your significant other is obligated to care about your feelings.  The times that I have been cheated on I reacted in various ways.  The first time I was young and dumb, I befriended the other woman; to this day I don’t know why. The second time I blamed him.  (By the way these were two different men. ) I blamed him for everything. It was then I realized that only he could hurt me emotionally.

Having been the girlfriend I can honestly say that I despise woman who will settle for being the side chick.  I just don’t get. I guess I think I  deserve a hell of a lot.  I remember reading the message between them and thinking “Really?”.  If you always have to question where you stand with a person is it worth the energy?  She was questioning her place in his life and settling for attending his classes, seeing him at work and probably a meal or two.  I’m sorry but in all of my years in college I never attended anyones classes but my own. We lived together so it was a pretty clear to me what he did with his free time. I truly don’t know the full extent of their relationship but I know enough to know that, she was settling for less than I would have ever settled for. I just feel like you don’t take what you can get; you take what you feel like you are entitled to. I say that I despise them because I feel like it cheapens the value of women.  Like Erica Mena said on Love and Hip Hop ”You messing up my Money Bi$*h when you doing sh-t for free.”, she used it in a completely different context but it applies here. Why would a man put in the work when he can get all the perks with little effort.

I don’t know how this correlates to self-worth I actually don’t care.  I think that if you’re about that life go for it.  I, for one, am not here for that.  I like to feel needed and how can he need me when he goes home to someone else.  How can he really value me if he has someone who he gives more time and energy to? I don’t get what women get out of being the woman on the side.  It makes no sense to me. There is always the it’s just physical argument, well if that’s the case, it should not be a recurring situation; it should be once in a while without the constant communication and envy of the actual girlfriend.  If the woman on the side can say she doesn’t want the top spot more power to her, but I am not talking to her.  I’m talking about the women who are looking for love when they are getting leftovers.

All in all I don’t blame the women because they are clearly desperate heauxs getting it how ever they can.