Get Your Life!!!!!: Letters to my Whys, Nevers and I Should Have Done Betters

Dear Mr Impossible,

I am the best chick you will ever find to complete you.  That will deal with your bullshit and understand that you are one flawed individual.  Please wake up.  When you find a chick better than me please invite me to the wedding.  I am not saying I am different from and other chick I am just your best match. I went through a lot for you and you still don’t want to deviate from your life’s ideal timetable.  So while you are still looking for the other half of your power couple or you wake up alone at 32, I will be sure to find someone who doesn’t give me half the excuses and a quarter of the BS. I am tired of the you are not ready speeches.  Please honey just stand over there and get your life.

xoxo,

Tired of waiting L & L

Dear Mr College Fling turned I have no idea what we are at this point,

We graduated years ago and you are about to graduate with your 3rd degree. WTF are we doing?  This is becoming ridiculous and until you can admit that this is more than sex, because we both know sex is easier to come by, the faster we can both Get our lives.  I could understand if this was about convenience but this stopped be convenient a very long time ago.  Probably around the time when you moved for hours away to another state…. I am tired of trying to cut you off and you not getting the hint, but that’s probably my fault. I am also tired of the charade of emotional distance that no longer exist. I Love you and I am the best you will ever have in that way, but it’s time for this to become a memory.  Please Please Please Get Your Life and allow me to finally get mine.

xoxo,

Never wanted anything more L&L

Dear Mr I don’t like gays DJ,

I’m pretty sure that you are gay, so please come out already.  You are entirely too awkward to continue to hide the fact that you are not interested in women in that way.  I’m no longer taking a it personal and I’m sure your mom will Love you anyway.  Your disdain for gay men but disinterest in women kind of gave you away.  If you want to continue the ploy of being straight, do yourself a favor and stay away from Lenox Mall and the Buckhead/Midtown area on the weekends. Besides everyone around you knows, Get Your Life and stop pretending,

xoxo,

It wasn’t me it was you L&L

A Few Simple Dating Tips….

 Don’t sell yourself short but don’t be ridiculous… You have know what you are willing to accept and what you’re not.  If you are casually dating this could mean a few ignored texts, or a couple flakes.  Whatever you do, don’t sell yourself short. But realize when you are being ridiculous.  When you meet someone new, respect the fact that you are a new addition and understand that they had a life before you.

Figuring out if you like someone may take more than one date… Sometimes you vibe with people from the beginning and other times it has to build up.  I think first dates are for you to simply see is if you like the person’s swag and vibe.  I feel this way because first dates are usually awkward for people who aren’t into  a) dating and b)  aren’t comfortable with strangers.  I am always leery of men who talk too fast and too smooth because they will tell you what they think you want to hear.

Don’t ignore the red flags…. Sometimes there are huge red flags like 4 children and 3 baby mothers.  Or never worked  a job for more than a few months at a time.  Both of these things scream irresponsible to me.  Sometimes there are more subtle ones like his phone continuously rings or he’s distracted. He seems in a rush or he asks questions that are too personal.  No matter how comfortable you feel, a person who doesn’t want to take their time to get to know is not worth your time.

Do your research…  I think social media is great, I don’t actually use it, but it is great.  If a person wants to put themselves out there for the world to see, it is your duty as part of the world to see them.  I think it’s ok to check facebook, twitter and instagram; as long as you’re not stalking their pages for updates and checking out their friends pages with malice intent.  They show a lot about a person’s character and with that said can tell you a lot.  But you can only take that stuff for face value because we can all be be whomever we choose on the internet; I know y’all watch Catfish.

Don’t get physical on the first date and don’t rush into the sex talk…. When you start to talk about sex the next step is usually sex.  If you like him make him; wait.  If you want to see if he is serious make him wait.  Now if you are not interested in being serious and are just trying to have fun why waste time dating?  I had a friend who I didn’t waste time dating, we hung out usually in the house with alcohol watching The Wire reruns.  We had ok conversation that was never too personal and great sex.  We didn’t dilute the situation with extravagant dates.  If we went to hang out it was at the strip club… You get the picture?

Know what you want...  So many of us, and by us I mean women but so many men too, don’t know what we want.  Are you looking for a serious relationship?  Are you dating for fun or marriage?  Do you just want to get your back blown out after the club or would you like to maybe take him or her home to your parents one day? If you know where you want to go then you know what kind of person you want to invest your time in. Don’t waste time on Mr “Girl like your fat ass” when you are looking for Boaz.

Have something else to occupy your mind or at least your time… I’ve done it, I think we all have.  You had a great date and you obsess about what happens next…. My advice is get a hobby that is not dating.  You should not be so wrapped up with your dating life that you have nothing else to look forward to. Mainly because if it is going to get serious it takes time and effort to incorporate another person in your life. Also because you don’t want to seem or feel pressed (i.e. Desperate).

Have fun and be Open Minded… Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously. Just have fun with it and keep an open mind.  What you want may not come in the package you thought it would come in.  If someone wants to do something you’re not comfortable with because it’s unfamiliar, I say do it. If they want you to dress up as a Red Power Ranger; RUN.  Try new things, within reason.  It may work to your advantage. Just have fun and keep an open mind, you may surprise yourself.

Be Yourself… Don’t try to be anyone other than who you really are; if you fake it, it will not work. I once told a guy I was  into comics and I didn’t know anything about comic. It blew up in my face when I found out he actually had all of his comics from childhood and I asked him what was difference between Marvel and DC. If you pretend it will catch up with you.  Be who you are if he likes you, he likes you, if he doesn’t someone else will.

Friends with Benefits Gone Awry

What do you when the person you crave looks pass you? Keep in mind this person is always around always a friend and always an outlet.  What do you do?  I really don’t have an answer for this.  This post is not a declaration it is simply a brainstorm. I don’t always know the answer to my questions and sometimes I never figure them out.

I know that friends with benefits can be beneficial in some instances.  I know that sometimes you actually become friends. You learn how to put a wall up and you just separate the sex from the friendship.  Honestly you can only spend so much  time being naked with someone without creating a certain level of comfort with them; and we know where that leads.

Friends with benefits should have an expiration date.  We all need to grow and learn to be emotional and open to the possibility of being hurt.  At some point friends with benefits has to progress or stop. Progression is what happens sometimes.  But how do you just stop???  It turns into your drug of choice only needing a fix every now and then.  But this fix fast becomes a habit and the next thing you know, you are thinking about forever and what that would mean if it was together.  But there is this wall…

The rules that you created to protect yourself in the beginning have become your worst enemy and what you forgot to do was get to know the person you have spent so much time with; naked.  All the time that was focused on the physical has become this emotional burden because the person you have seemingly become the closest to and care about on a more than basic level is actually a stranger that has built the same wall you built in the beginning and they have become very comfortable with it while you are ready to tear it down.

What you learn in trying to tear this wall down is that they continue to build it higher and with stronger material because the truth is, the only part you play in their life at this moment is the only part they ever want you play.  The friendship was an added bonus and they actually don’t value it much at all.

As much as it hurts you move on, you move on learning a very important lesson. What the lesson will be for you,  I really don’t know but we all have to live and learn.  My lesson was simply value the people who actually value you. If you come to point where you have to question your worth to another a person then its time to move on; be it friendships or relationships.

2013: WoManifesto

2012 was a Basic Bitch to me…. I am so happy it is over.  2013 is a new year and I learned a lot over the last 12 months.  I had a few epic adventures but far more epic fails.  I felt as if things and people were passing me by and I got stuck so this is dedicated to 2013.

2013,

I promise that I will acknowledge my flaws and learn from my mistakes   I promise to make things happen and not wait for them.  I promise to write more and and think about what I write less. In all ways and in all things I will be a better person to myself and to other people.  I will never stop learning and never get comfortable.  My happiness is my own responsibility and I will think beyond momentary happiness and learn to focus on a happiness that can be sustained.  I will become more dependent on me and learn to be happy with that.

I am and will always be my own person not conforming to anyone else’s idea of who I should be.  I will take heed to the fact that character is far more important than reputation.  Reputation is what people think of you and it can be tainted by one action. Whereas character is who you have chosen to be, and is built over many actions.  I will be a better sister and friend. I’ve learned that I can be very selfish and it’s not always blatant and usually is some form of self preservation, it’s not necessary all the time. I’m done looking for Love, it’s out there and it will find me if it already hasn’t.  My guy doesn’t have to be perfect and I will never understand men.  I promise to not settle…

This year will be great and it’s really up to me to make it that way.

30 things women should have and know by 30

I am fast approaching 30 and I am taking all the relevent advice I can get. I Love this book and thought it would be a good share. I copied the whole article from The Huffington Post and the original link is below.

In 1997, Glamour magazine published a story titled “30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the Time She’s 30.” The list, written by Pamela Redmond Satran, was so popular that women started emailing it around, misattributing it to various female luminaries including Maya Angelou and Hillary Clinton. Noting what a phenomenon it had become, the editors of Glamour created a book around it, featuring essays from (mostly) famous women on each of the items on the list. The book, released today, includes meditations from Katie Couric on work and love, Portia de Rossi on accepting your body, and one from the list’s original author, who is also aHuffington Post blogger, on how to live alone.

Because the list still makes us so, so happy, we asked Glamour‘s permission to reprint it here:

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it.

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

13. The belief that you deserve it.

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know …

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

2. How you feel about having kids.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

15. Why they say life begins at 30

What’s on your personal list of things to have and know — and possibly do — before turning 30?

List excerpted from Glamour‘s “Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know By The Time She’s 30.”

Read and excerpt from the book here.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/24/turning-30-30-things-every-woman-should-have-and-should-know_n_1447368.html

Forgive and Forget: Not for them but For You

Forgiveness is giving up on the past that we thought we wanted. – Oprah

Forgiveness is about letting go of the Hope that the past could have been different. In relationships we have to a learn how to get past the hurt by not living in the past.  People make mistakes and it is in those moments we see who we are and what we can be capable of.  No matter how much you Love someone you have the ability to hurt them.  While this may not be your intention it can happen.  In Love and in Life we have to be forgiving of the people who hurt us by living in the that reality. The reality that we are not perfect and that things happen for a reason.  That everything we ever experience makes us who we are meant to be.

Forgiveness does not mean staying  in an unhappy relationship, it simply means not holding on to the pain and carrying it with you.  I know that everyone always says that we shouldn’t bring our past relationships into the current ones and I completely agree.  Actually you should thank your past for preparing you for your future.  Even if you decide to stay in a relationship after being hurt, it is imperative that you learn to move past it all.  After being hurt and staying and then being hurt again, I learned that I had to be just as accountable the second time around.  I had been hurt  but I had also choosen to stay.  I could not blame him for me staying, I could be disappointed that it happened again.

Forgiveness is not a gift to the other person but a gift to ourselves.  It says that we let the hurt and pain go and that we are better for it.  Forgiveness is a test a strength and courage.  In order to truly forgive someone who hurt you, you have to be strong enough to face the reality of what happened and courageous enough to allow yourself to grow because of it.  Just remember that everything that we go through shapes who we are. How we choose to deal with things and what we allow ourselves to learn determines who we ultimately become.

Alpha Female seeks Alpha Male: Please Apply Within

Funny conversation happened to me this weekend.  I was sitting at a local bar with my bff and as usual we turned a few heads.  I was approached by a interesting character, whom I will call Memphis, I think that’s where he was from.  Memphis and I started having a conversation about family and children.  How we got on this subject I have no idea.  But I explained that I wanted 3 children not too far apart in age and I didn’t want to work until they were of school age.  He laughed and asked if I wanted to be taken care of.  I said no I am very capable and willing to work and my work ethic was impeccable.  But with my current salary would cover a little more than childcare cost for 3 children.  Then he asked if I was looking for an Alpha male or someone who makes enough to make it happen. This is a loaded question.

I explained that my taste in men has always leaned toward the Alpha male types, my dad is that way.  I like men who know what they want and go after it with nothing stopping them.  I am also attracted to men who take the lead instead of those who follow. The problem with these men is the ability to keep their attention   takes skill and at times it is not worth the effort.  They tend to be so focused on their goals that you turn into more of a distraction than a partner. I prefer a strong partnership above all else.  So while I am most attracted to this type of man I don’t usually date them.

Memphis brought up a good point.  If you want that type, you have to be that type.  Strong men are attracted to strong women.  Men want you to bring just as much to the table as they do, because there are women lined up around the block for successful men. I agreed and I noticed that the difference between me and those women is that he was talking to me and not them, but the options were limited that night some I’m not patting myself too hard on the back.

In my dealings with driven men I’ve found that they all want a good balance of someone who will understand that they are not available and be willing to handle that, as well as, play a supporting role to them.  But on the other hand they want you to be available because they are not so understanding.  At times I think these men don’t know what they want. Above all they want to spread their seed.  So… until the Alpha man can bring a uterus and another set of genetics I will always bring more lol, at least in my opinion.

Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Fitting into a box, to be put on a shelf.

I Love to see my friends happy but I hate to see them settle.  If you want something go for it.  Don’t take what you can get, unless you have some kind of strategy and even then you should be careful with that course of action.  When you take what you can get you set yourself up for potential failure.  How can someone ever truly value who you completely are when you fit yourself into a box for them?  Eventually they will put the box on the shelf and find new entertainment.  It has happened to me, and trust me it hurts.  When the person you see yourself with, who truly lights up your world, places you  in the box on a shelf of conquests; instead of in the picture frame by their bed. The worst part is there is nothing you can do.  You played the position so well that they didn’t see a place for you anywhere else. But what can you do… you live and you learn.

When someone says what they don’t want believe them and believe that, most importantly,  they don’t want it with you.  The feelings are not always mutual, no matter how hard you try you to make it seem that way.  My advice to any person who wants to pursue someone who is seemingly uninterested in them no matter how much time they spend together…

MOVE ON!!!!

Nappy or straight, still the only black woman in the room.

Unfortunately I do not understand the Natural Hair movement. As far as I knew some people had relaxers, some didn’t.  There was no statement to be made in either.  For God Sakes It’s Just Hair.  I know someone is reading this and thinking I am ignorant and in denial about the ramifications that are attached to Ethnic hair and to you I give a blank stare and copy of the essay I wrote on this subject in undergrad. I am well versed in the plight of black women, being that I am one, probably more so than others.

For so many people natural hair is statement about blackness.  Well I would like for you too wake up; my hair being relaxed, natural, dyed, permed, shaved, straight, curly, weaved or anything else for that matter makes me no less black and no less in touch with my blackness.  I don’t think that how I choose to  process my hair defines anything about my personhood, it may define how I feel during that time but nothing more.  I am disheartened by the fact that we judge each other based on how someone wants to wear their hair. I have been natural and relaxed, short and long, weaved and un weaved, as matter of fact, you can tell how my life is going by how my hair was during that time.  My younger sister is natural and my best friend only relaxes once a year, I don’t think that this makes either more in touch with their racial identity.  In my opinion it is just another thing that we are using to divide ourselves.

Having been in heated, let’s say discussions, with natural people it is apparent that some of them take it very serious, while I, on the other hand, am not really bothered by my hair; or anyone else’s, one way or another. I can deal with it under any condition at this point.  If your natural hair is about health, more power to you, but I ‘ve seen many people go natural and end up with the same damaged hair they were trying to avoid.

My hair being one way or another does not negate the fact that I am a black woman.  My hair for me is, a display of emotions and a part of me that I can change at the drop of a hat, not worrying about the consequences because if all else fails I will cut it off. At the end of the day I am  still the only black woman in most rooms.

Rant #314

So yeah… my blog recently turned more into a journal but I promise to get back to my usually fuckery soon. I’m restless lately and it has everything to do with the fact that I feel a little stuck.  In my defense I have my reasons.  This is not my usual post type but what the heck. 

I was raised in a little city in Michigan, where you might get pregnant from slow dancing.  I Love my city and it comes out most when I’m intoxicated.   My bff and I say that our type of fun can be described as overtly sexual, extremely intoxicated, including bouts of hood and ratchetness, with a touch of class.  This rings true.  I like my heels high, my dresses short, my hair and makeup laid for the easy breezy beautiful bad bitch that I am.  However lately I have been going to work, coming home, and looking for a restful weekend like the rest of the world.  Maybe this is considered growing up and if it is I don’t want to participate. A week from Friday we will embark on an incredible journey that I am sure will have us telling our stories for the next year.  I know it will be epic and I can’t wait to get some alone time with my friends.  And the fact that there is a strong possibility that the weather will be amazing makes me . There is something to be said about great friends and I have  two of the very best.  I LOVE them so much.

Lately  I’ve felt rather off-balance in my life and I think I need to start going to church again.  Ever since I was a child I always had an issues with morality; my sense of right and wrong is flawed at times.  I am not struggling with this so much anymore because my mom has pounded into me; right is what you would like someone to do to, or for you.  I think that is pretty simple way to go about life. But I have been struggling in other areas of my life and maybe church will do for me now what it has in the past. I’ve started to work out at 6 am and I actually enjoy being in the gym that early just me and the guys who run every other day, and the man who works out in a skull-cap a hoodie as if he’s training for a fight.  Most people would have a problem getting up that early but I don’t and I enjoy the active solitude.  I wanted to start this meditation class at the buddhist temple however, it would have cut into my together time, but I felt and still do feel like I need it.   I don’t really know if I have to be interested in becoming a buddhist to participate, I am not interested in the religion, just the meditation. But then I found out that it is 30 mins from my house and I will try to meditate closer to home. I was told I should find a church and pray instead which is a viable option.