I am sex positive. I do not acknowledge or bare the shame that has been associated with my sex. I do not feel the pressure to repress any state of my being. I go after what I want, no matter what looks are given to me. I am sex positive because as a child I was called “fast” and “boy crazy”. I was lead to believe that there was something wrong with my sexuality, that it was a woman’s secret and a man’s right. I am sex positive because my ancestors were seen as and labeled hyper sexual as a way to excuse inhumane treatment; as a way to bare the same of another cultures lust. I feel that I have the right to express myself and my sex in whichever way I see fit. I do not believe in the slut and the walk of shame simply means that my night was better than yours. I do not acknowledge those who see me as loose, because while my “morals” may be dissolute, my vagina is resilient. I am sex positive because double standards are bullshit and I never divide my number by 2 and subtract 3. I am sex positive because you don’t have to be video vixen, stripper or groupie/jump-off to be sexual. There is nothing wrong with my sex. I am sex positive because bad girls have more fun, because there are so many things that you experience when you give less fucks about people’s opinions. I am sex positive because I trust myself and I know myself enough to know that sex is only one small part of who I am; it does not mold me into something or someone that I am not. I am sex positive because the women’s movement happened, because I live in a country where being sexy is great, but a women having lots of sex is not. Where we simultaneously frown on the veil and nudity. Where the dichotomy of acceptable and unacceptable is fluid but is always more strict on women. I am sex positive because above all else I am a women and not just a women, a black women who is sexy and smart enough to not be bound by the constraints placed on her sex.
Archive for 2012|Yearly archive page
I Love ratchet rap music just like the next girl. But really can you at least find out my name. Has it gotten to the point where men are no longer held accountable for such a simple task? I recently moved to the city of thirst, Atlanta, GA. I’ve learned a few things since I’ve been here, but that will come in later post. As far as this post goes I’m going to refer to any man who approaches me from now on by some insignificant detail that may or may not make him stand out. Walking through a Wally World I was approached with the classic “Aye Shawty Wah Cho Name Iah?”, (translation: “Excuse me Ma’am, what’s your name?”). First off I’m from the mid-west so this whole accent thing is kinda new to me and second I’m not impressed. He went on to tell me that he was aspiring to be a rapper and knew TI. Which very well may be true, but the approach was terrible and after he asked my name he said can “Can I call you Caramel? Cause your caramel skin looks so sweet” I asked was he serious and he said well “I will remember you better if I give you a name that’s just for me?” I told him he was not 2Chainz and I was not interested, I’m involved . I was amused, but Wal-Mart of all paces with that approach? I guess its refreshing to know that there are men who don’t need a buzz to approach out there. So Red shirt will not be getting any first, let alone, second thoughts. But I do admire his confidence.
I had a crush on this guy for a lot of college and when he finally pays me attention as more than a friend I was so hung up on my ex at the time that I didn’t even notice, well I noticed but I didn’t care. A year or so later, after we had an awesome night at club and made some hilarious memories, he confronted about it and we are still friends. Looking back I think I did the right thing for me at the time. I was looking for an outlet and he provided one at the perfect time.
Knowing all that I know about him now I am happy that things worked out the way they did, he is an amazing friend. I’m not sure I could see him in any other capacity than that. In college we had some crazy club nights and it was fun. He was a friend when I needed one and proved that everything doesn’t turn out how you plan it. When I met him swore we would be married by now, lol. I can’t believe I ever thought that. I do think he was placed in my life to be there that night, if nothing else. He was my ultimate crush turned, even better friend.
Let me tell you guys a story about how good dick can make you reconsider if not lower some standards. So I was speaking with a good friend who has been dating a guy for awhile and she tells me after they have sex he always gets up and leaves According to him he doesn’t sleep well away from home. Me being the skeptical one jumps the conclusion that he has someone at home waiting. To me the only logical excuse to not sleep over the person’s house that you are dating and having sex with, is that you have to go home to someone else.
Now 2 weeks passes and he falls asleep laying next to her, she thinks that he is finally comfortable enough at her place to sleep there so she thinks it’s victory. She was seriously mistaking. The next morning she woke up to a soaked mattress, clearly confused because she was sleeping next to a grown man. When she wakes him, he explains to her that he never slept over because his bladder never fully developed as a child and he takes medication for that. However he cannot take the medication on days when he plans on drinking alcohol. Basically he occasionally wets the bed as an adult so he goes home and slips into some adult briefs just in case he has an accident.
I am trying to be polite and not condescending with this post because clearly this is a problem and it’s an embarrassing one at that, so no shade to him but I have to be honest….
So after laughing hysterically in disbelief, I asked was she going to continue seeing him because there is nothing sexy about sleeping next to a man in an adult sized pull-up and even less sexy is waking up in an adult sized urine puddle. She hesitates to answer and that is when I begin to worry because clearly she is really struggling with breaking it off… She breaks out with “but the dick is good”. 0_0 Are you serious? The dick being good is not an adequate reason, to me anyway, to date man with a child’s bladder. I understand that this is a real medical problem and maybe I am being too shallow but I like clean sheets and mattress that I have to steam clean only twice a year if I want. I honestly don’t understand not breaking it off immediately.
Am I being too critical? Personally I’ve never had dick good enough to make me consider staying in this type of situation.
My five year old niece said this to me and it stuck, no one had ever put it that way. There are times in our lives when we don’t want to accept our part of the responsibility. The times you could have done some things better or just been a better person overall. The times when you were or are in situations and you complain about them even though you don’t have to be in them. Or how about the times when things start on one one path and then takes a sharp turn in another direction. Here are few situations when you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.
The all sex relationship that never goes anywhere- Most of the times these relationship stay about sex, because you haven’t actually invested much more in it. The amount of Oxytocin that flood the brain with each orgasm may lead you to believe that you truly have feelings for this person, but in all actuality you don’t really know them. Your elevated hormone level have tricked you into thinking it could work it but doesn’t because of the things you weren’t privy to or simply overlooked from the beginning. Don’t pysch yourself out; try to have a conversation that doesn’t include a back being blown out and make a sound decision whether it will or should go anywhere.
The passionless relationship- This a result of people not willing to move on so they choose to stay. It’s not that they don’t Love the person but they are no longer in Love will them and the possibility of falling in Love again is gone. I have a friend whom I spoke to about this last week . It was a case where he and his girlfriend have been together since high school, so for about 10 years. They have been together through various ups and downs and although they have talked about marriage he doesn’t think he wants to be with her forever anymore. I think that this is one of those situations where you just end up doing what has been familiar and what feels most safe. Though you can see he no longer gets excited about her he will never leave her. He will probably end up marrying her and it will end in a terrible hurtful divorce. Although I hope they live happily ever after I don’t think they will; 10 years no engagement. Don’t be afraid to move on and to find the joy in your relationship. I choose the word Joy because I think that being joyful is more fulfilling than happy.
The one sided relationship- If you are the person who carries the relationship on your back you are losing; but this is a situation you like in some sick way. The purpose of a relationship is to find some person that makes you better in some way. I don’t think it should be one sided. If you feel like the person’s effort level is -2 and yours is 10 then you probably are taking what you can get. At some point you have to decide what level of effort you are willing to put in, and what do you expect your return to on that investment to be. Don’t break your back for someone who is not breaking theirs for you.
All of this situations are fluid and dependent upon what you choose to be a part of you can’t constantly complain about situation that you have control over. We can all decide to change things about our lives we just have to have the courage to do so. But until then in the words a very wise 5 year old. You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a Fit.
Day 4: Your Opinion Of Cheating in Relationships
It happens. I think that there are times when you walk and times when you don’t. I think that if you Love the person you forgive them, if they’ve earned it and if you think that you won’t become completely paranoid and can move on. However if they cheat on you again you have to accept all responsibility for however you feel because you choose to stay in that situation.
Do all people cheat? NO.
Are all cheaters bad people? NO.
If someone cheats does that mean they don’t love the person they are with? I think people do the most fucked up shit to the people they Love.
I do feel that cheating can be detrimental to any relationship, it completely changes the blind trust you have in someone but we all have to go through these things to learn and grow; whether you are cheating or being cheated on.
I read Social Kenny’s Random Thought of the Day Post and had, as Oprah would say, and Ah Ha moment. I have more random thoughts than wise ones and thought these would be interesting topics of discussions instead of full on post. Thank you SK for the inspiration I am indebted to you for as long as I continue this column. So on to my first random thought of the day.
Some guys are pushy and not in a good way. Pushiness should be strategic and covert, at least when dealing with a women like me. There are very few people especially men that I let control any aspect of my life so to be ordered around is a turn off for me; unless you are him and in that case I will do whatever you tell me to do. And I digress, I think that men should be smarter than me I should not know if you only want to know what I feel like, at least pretend to be interested or be up front. I would much rather you be up front and honest or disappear afterwards, than to feel like you’re pushing me into bed; geez have a little finesse. Am I being unrealistic, maybe; but you can steal more kids with candy instead of pickles.
- The profound moment when you just know.
- Gas prices to drop
- Lauryn Hill to make another album and a Destiny’s Child Reunion
- The perfect job- Very few of us get the privilege to do what we love. Many of us learn to love what we end up doing; or despising it.
- Things to happen for us- You have to make them happen
- Happiness to find us- You are responsible for your own personal happiness so you need to figure out how to be happy
- To have enough money to start saving- my step mom always says pay yourself first.
- The right moment to break up- it will always be awkward and the more time that passes the more unhappy you will become.
- The Apocalypse- I’ve survived way too many for any future predictions to be trusted.
- The ONE